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saw a sad thing at Home Depot the other night....

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by DrStranglove, Nov 5, 2003.

  1. DrStranglove

    DrStranglove FChat Assassin
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    there I was 8:30 PM,trying to grab a sink trap with an intact bar code ,to get out of the store and back over to my friends house and fix the frigging sink.......

    there was this poor frazzled woman with a half conscious 5 year old, vainly querrying an under-qualified employee about PVC pipe and fittings...trying to etch into his one, firing braincell the kernel of an idea she had for this poor kids costume for Halloween....

    she wanted to make a rocket pack ,like on a little posable
    toy of his, it looked really simple to do...

    she had the vinyl clad half of a D-ring binder for the back board (a good start) but she was trying to make the actual rocket tubes out of sink drain pipes.(not good)

    she was tired and half out of her mind, the super-mom routine obviously wearing her down, the single mom routine isn't for everyone (no ring-and a hardware project? got to be no man around)

    I saw and heard her dealing with the employee of the month and tried to not make eye contact...the sink was important and time was short...

    I was just starting to hit my stride (damn these short legs) when I heard "can you help me?" I was caught!

    I turned around, hoping I could somehow teleport out or gate away....but there she was, all forlorn and defeated....

    she looked so sad in those low slung hip hugger jeans and that tight vee top Tee-shirt, how could I say no?

    "could you help me?", again with the sad eyes....I edged the ship closer to the jagged rocks as she sang to me....

    "Uhm, sure. what is it you need?" WHAP! she set the hook!
    she blurted out her well rehearsed speech like a time/life operator, so fast I hardly had time to look down her shirt as she held up the little figurine she hoped to copy.( yes, I AM A PIG)
    actually ,I was impressed...by her plans! she had a good start, but she was mislead by the doofus in the red vest.

    I asked her if she had a hacksaw and a drill and luckily she said yes. I asked her if she knew how to use them and she snapped back "of course!" (I was beginning to see why she was single)
    so then I began to tell her of the wonders of PVC pipe (not that skinny cast sink trap crud, the schedule 40! thats the REAL DEAL) I explained that the pipe could be sawn with a hacksaw and it doesn't need to be perfect, then either glued or screwed together.
    and that they could be screwed to the book cover and the same screws could hold shoulder straps in place too (she hadn't give any thought to that).

    She changed before my eyes...her back straightened and her sad eyes began to twinkle. She was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel! she shoveled up her child (ever seen an octopus out of water? same thing)and actually smiled at me.

    I began to sweat, she was just standing there, staring at me....My brain began to race...did I volunteer to do this while I was babbling on? had my penis got a word in edgewise and sold my soul to this woman? my mouth opened but nothing would come out......then it happened...I began to say "If you need help doing all..", when suddenly,a shrill cry from my friends wife came rolling down the isle, "JOHN! JOHN! WHAT'S TAKING SO !!#&$! LONG!"
    she turned the corner, rumbling towards me like a Tiger tank rumbling down a french lane.....I felt like a sherman tank with a broken track. (I hoped the first shell would finish me, no lingering inferno)...
    "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I WAS WAITING AT THE REGISTER!"
    It as like fingernails on a chalkboard. my neck twitched like a horses back when a fly alights on it.
    I turned back to the single mom. she had just pulled the red rings and the blast cover was sliding over her face as the canopy blew away and she quickly punched clear of the fireball....I could just see the ejection seat fall clear of her beatiful little backside as her chute opened....a full canopy, she was gonna be alright.....

    THE TIGER TANK RUMBLED TO A HALT....I waited for the impact...I didn't turn , I had no need to see it coming..
    WHHHHEEEEEEEEEE......I could hear the turrent wheeling towards me....KACHINK-KATHUNK....a fresh 88 in the barrel....

    "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I HELD UP THE LINE FOREVER! IT WAS SO EMBARASSING! WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?!?!"

    I turned and flicked the offending piece of plumbing in her general direction, making sure she couldn't catch it.
    just before she gave that final grunt before trying to bend over far enough to pick it up, she glanced over at me, probably loading another volley. she must have noticed the less than happy expression on my face ,because she actually shut up until we got all the way back to the house.

    To that pretty lady at the Homey Depot...I hope you get it done in time. I hope you shop there alot more too, you owe me dinner at least!

    oh, and today I stopped by my friend's house, his wife was standing in the hall in her granny bloomers and bra from hell, with human feces and other flotsam all over her shins.....seems the sewer tile is clogged and the floor drain backed up all over the basement bathroom floor...she looked a bit unhappy....

    There is a god
     
  2. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ

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    :::standing up, clapping:::

    Doc, that was a very awesome story... Very awesome...
     
  3. Jay GT4

    Jay GT4 F1 Rookie

    Oct 16, 2001
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    e sempre incinta
    Are you a writer? LOL
     
  4. redhead

    redhead F1 Rookie
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    Ditto!
     
  5. Auraraptor

    Auraraptor F1 World Champ
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    :) This is too good.
     
  6. thecarreaper

    thecarreaper F1 World Champ
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    DR........ thats was great. LMAO!!!!!!!!
     
  7. wax

    wax Four Time F1 World Champ
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    The Day of Reckoning came quick.
     
  8. Allen S.

    Allen S. Formula Junior
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    Good Man!!
     
  9. Evolved

    Evolved F1 Veteran
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    Great Story DrS

    Even historically accurate down to the 88mm gun on the Tiger tank.

    Bravo!
     
  10. BigTex

    BigTex Seven Time F1 World Champ
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    You should have followed the rocket pack project man!

    I was wiring in a trailer home for a disadvantanged mom once.

    After watching me cut a piece of 2" rigid steel conduit by hand with a dull blade, she looked me in the eye and said "I see why you look for a younger woman!" LOL

    As I tell the youngsters at work, "use a FULL stroke on that blade, man,
    the ends are sharp, too."
     
  11. Tyler

    Tyler F1 Rookie

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    Great Story DrS!
     
  12. DrStranglove

    DrStranglove FChat Assassin
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    Thanks guys, I thought you would like it. I just need to go to Home Depot more now on the week before Halloween!!!!


    DrS
     
  13. West777

    West777 Formula Junior

    Aug 28, 2003
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    haha, yeah, that was a great story! if your not a write by profession, maybe you should consider it.
     

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