six laws of italian sports cars

OK, what are the six laws of italian sports cars?

 

never heard of the laws or the poster

 

As posted in an earlier thread by Enjoythemusic

A condensed version is below:

As the owner of an Italian vehicle, you have undoubtedly found that,
from time to time, the thing defies all known laws of Physics.
Distinguished researchers from all over the world have spent entire
lives trying to understand such phenomena. Recently, the Six Laws of
Italian Sports Cars were discovered, thus reducing most owners'
dependency on sorcerers and prayer, to keep such cars running.

Careless application of these laws to any individual auto may fix the
problems of the moment, but cause hives or allergies in said owners.


1) THE LAW OF PLEASING DESIGN WHERE IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER
"The inside of cam covers or other relatively innocuous areas, shall
be laced with buttresses, cross-bracing and all manner of esoteric
stiffness-with-lightness design, while something like connecting rods
shall self-destruct at redline plus 1.0 rpm due to a basic lack of
strength." An example of this Law is the stunningly beautiful
Lamborghini or Ferrari V-12's of the late '60's. They were famous for
wearing out all four camshafts in 10,000 miles or less. The cam's
metal appeared to be recycled coat hangers, which coincidentally are
still in short supply in Italy.


2) THE LAW OF NON-FUNCTIONAL APPARATUS
"All Italian Sports Cars, regardless of age, shall have at least one
system or component which does not work, and cannot be repaired. Such
a part shall never be mentioned in the Official Shop Manual, although
there may be an out-of-focus picture shown." It goes without saying
that such parts should never under any circumstances be removed, lest
the natural balance of the car be upset.


3)THE LAW OF ELECTRICAL CHAOS
"All Italian Sports Cars shall be wired at the Factory by a
cross-eyed, color-blind worker, using whatever supplies are within
reach. All wires shall change color-code at least once between energy
source and component. all grounds shall be partially insulated." This
tends to guarantee that the owner of such vehicles will eventually be
intimately familiar with its electrical system, since he will need to
trace out each wire, then rewrite his Official Schematic, which will
differ from all others in at least one area.


4)THE LAW OF PERSONAL ABUSE
"The more an Italian auto breaks down, the more endearing it becomes
to its increasingly irrational owner." For example, you purchase an
Italian Sports car, for all the money you ever hoped to earn, and
receive a ticket for air pollution on the way home from the dealer due
to the vast clouds of smoke that follow you. Several return trips to
said dealer, accompanied by your rapidly dwindling cash reserves,
cures the smoking. But now, the engine sounds like a food processor
full of ball-bearings. After replacing every component in the car,
including the radio speakers, the noise vanishes and is replaced by an
odor reminiscent of a major fire in a goat-hair mattress factory. You
still keep trying, God help you.


5)THE LAW OF UNAVAILABLE PARTS
"All parts of an Italian sports car shall be made of a material that
is available in inverse proportion to its operating half-life." Thus,
the speedometer hold-down screws are made of grade 8 cold rolled
steel, while the valves are of fabricated Unobtanium, made only at
midnight by an old man with a pointy hat covered with moons and stars.
Such parts will be backordered during the design phase of the car, and
will remain so forever. Bribes, pleading and threats will be ignored.


6)THE LAW OF CRYPTIC INSTRUCTIONS
"Any official publications dealing with repair, maintenance or
operations of an Italian sports car, shall be written such that every
fourth word is incomprehensible to the average American. In the event
that a random sentence is understandable, its information shall be
wrong." This is also known as flat-tire English, where a sentence
flows along nicely, then-Kaboom!

 

...thats pretty funny. It would be a good poster for the bathroom in the shop!

Kurt


There is nothing like a Ferrari, there never has been and never will be!

 

That is too true!!

 

Unfortunately...the laughter fades only to be replaced by the harsh reality that the humor is based on fact.

 

Oh so true...

 

Hahahahahaha. When I finally drove my 308, it went through 3 quarts of oil in about 12 miles, all being blown into the aircleaner to be consumed by the engine and burned. Were talking incredible smoking here. Hopefully #4 will be remedied shortly and all will be corrected in the universe for one half second, until I, or someone we know, upsets the balance to keep things on an uneven keel. I think thats another Italian law written somewhere

 

This will be printed and prominently posted in the shop garage, shop, office, etc. Should really put a copy in the checkbook as a reminder as well, as if one was needed.
John

 

But, it just sounds so cool...

 

This came from Dr. Ken Rentiers of Ferrarilist fame:

> I know there are a lot of lurkers on the board who dream of someday
> getting a Ferrari. If so read these rules, I have been through the
> experience of Ferrari ownership. Will I get another - yes, but with my
> eyes wide open. My hope is these Tin Commandments serve to give you
> some of the same insight I now possess.
>
> The Tin Commandments
>
> 1. Ferraris are toy cars.
> - Street going Ferraris are intended as playthings for rich gentlemen
> with many cars, and someone else to polish them. They are the worst
> possible choice as a sole means of transportation. There are people on
> this list who use Ferraris as daily drivers. These folks are also
> capable of changing their crankshaft bearings after dinner.
>
> 2. Most buyers pay way too much for Ferraris.
> - New Ferraris sell for a quarter million because there are 1,000
> people a year in the USA who will pay that much. If you are not
> employed by the NBA, a trust baby and/or don't know what 'bling-bling'
> is, your choice will be restricted to used Ferraris. The prices quoted
> in Ferrari Market Letter are accurate ASKING prices. Most cars sell for 15
or 20 percent
> less and down. There are lots of cars available, right now it's a
> buyer's market. If you can't keep the lust under control have someone
> else buy the car for you.
>
> 3. There is no such thing as a Ferrari where everything works.
> - On big airliners where all systems have redundancy the pilot keeps a
> clipboard of Things To Fix. Often there are a dozen or more items. Get
> a small clipboard for you Ferrari. You will need it.
>
> 4. Old Ferraris are old, unreliable cars.
> - IF properly serviced the drive-train is stone, cold dependable. Not
> the air con, not the seats or the top or anything electrical or hydraulic
> except the brakes. Windows, doors, handles, lights will give you grey
> hair. Remember 308s are now 20 - 30 year old cars that weren't reliable
> when they were new.
>
> 5. New Ferraris are new, unreliable cars.
> - Why? Because so few are made, they never get all the bugs worked out.
> With a list like this, and a year or two, and $5,000 - $10,000 you can
> pretty well debug a good car. Double that figure for "garage queens".
>
> 6. Mileage is good, not bad for a Ferrari.
> "1988 328GTS - only 1,500 miles" (GARAGE QUEEN). This car should have
marks all over it from ten foot poles. You will essentially have to rebuild the car and still there will be surprises. Look for 5,000 miles a year average on the car of your choice and a GOOD service record.
>
> 7. If you can find a Ferrari part it will be ex-pen-sive.
> - A 328 windshield is over $2,000. Why? Because it's a FERRARI!
>
> 8. All Ferraris are red.
> - Save the less common color schemes for your second or third example.
> If you want to get out with your skin intact buy a "resale" red car.
>
> 9. Ferraris are like trophy wives, they are very expensive to keep.
> - You don't hot rod a Ferrari because they are already hot rods as
> they leave the factory. With high performance engines, they require
> frequent service. A minor service is several thousand dollars every
> 15,000 miles, A major service can be 5 - 10 thousand dollars, and more
> if you have a 12 cylinder car. Every 30,000 miles. Really.
>
> 10. If you buy a Ferrari you will need another car as well.
> - Unless you just love riding the subway.
>
> 11. Unless you have an F60/Enzo, someone faster is always out there, but
> they are not having anywhere near as much fun.
> - If you have never driven a Ferrari this may sound obscure. Beg,
> borrow or steal one and drive it right. Your life will never be the
> same.
>
>
> -ken-
> http://bookofken.blogspot.com/
> today's blog: Reefer Madness

 

well the first law is you don't talk about it. the second law is...