Edinburgh's best jokes: My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go... My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a ****. Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound people. A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research? I said, "All right, but we won't get much done." I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well. You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "****, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?" The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads, we've all had a drink". Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him. Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda. It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it. If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.