Start your day with a lawyer joke...

Good one, Jimpo1, I'll use that later today. Thanks!



A stunning but disheveled and exhausted woman staggers into a police station.

“I want to press charges,” she says to the desk sergeant, “ I was raped by a lawyer.”

The cop picks up a pencil, licks it and gets ready to write down the particulars.”

“What was his name?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, what firm is he with?”

“I don’t know.”

“Hmm..... Where does he live?”

“I don’t know.”

“What sort of car does he drive? Did you get a look at the plate?”

“I don’t know if he even own a car.”

“Okay lady, how in the hell do you know you were raped by a lawyer?”

“Well, he wore a three piece suit and I HAD TO DO ALL THE WORK!!!”

 

Both those are very funny.

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" (Dylan wont get this one)

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!

 

LMAO

Supra that was classic.

 

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?





A good start.

 

I hear that it is 99% of the lawyers out there that make the rest of them look bad!!!

 

Why do lawyers where neckties?







To keep the foreskin from rolling over their heads.

 

How do you know a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving




A lawyer opened the door of his Ferrari, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious Fcar.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Fcar!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!", retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid Fcar, that you didn't even notice your left arm had been ripped off!"
"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, he cried out: "Where's my Rolex?"



An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."



What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

 

I love these lawyer jokes!

 

Great stuff guys keep them comming

 

A young couple were on their way to the church to get married when they were killed in a tragic car accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates in the presence of St. Peter. They were a little disapointed that they were not able to get married when they were still alive and St. Peter sensed their disapointment and asked them what was wrong.
The young couple explained their situation to St. Peter and asked him if it was possible to get married in Heaven. St. Peter though for a moment then told them that he was not sure but he would check it out and let them know.

St. Peter Leaves the couple at the gates and is gone for several months. When he arrives back at the pearly gates he tells the lovebirds that he has great news. Yes, it is possible to get married in Heaven. The couple is elated at the news but in thinking it over for a second asks St. Peter, "If the marriage does not work out do you think that it is possible to get divorced in Heaven?"

St. Peter wrinkles his brow and says, "Look, it took me three months to find a priest in heaven how long to you think it will take to find a lawyer?"

 

A recently graduated student goes into a bar looking to find a little companionship. At every attempt, he is shot down. He wanders over to the bartender, orders a drink and asks "Why can't I get a woman interested in me?". The bartender replies "When do they normally shoot you down" to which the student responds "When I tell them that I'm unemployed". The barkeep suggests that he come back the next night, dressed to the nines and proceed to tell the ladies he's an attorney with a few high powered clients.

The next night, the young grad, looking rather dapper gives the bartender's suggestion a try. He approaches the first young lady he sees and proceeds to tell him that he's a lawyer with a few high powered clients. "Oooh" the young lady says "I just LOVE attorneys. Let's go back to my place!" The grad gives the bartender a wink and heads out.

Back at the woman's apartment things are getting rather steamy. In the throes of passion, the grad yells out "Yes, I love this!!!!" eliciting a quizzical look from his companion.

"I've been a lawyer for a half an hour and already I'm screwing somebody!"