Why did the turtle cross the road...............To get to the shell station...
Did you hear about the two guys who stole everything out of a house except the soap and towels. They were dirty crooks!
How can you drop an egg four feet without breaking it? (Drop it from five feet. It won't break during the first four feet.)
A priest, a rabbi and a lizard walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"
A teacher had a 5-year-old come up to her and said that he found a frog. The teacher asked, "Is the frog alive or dead?" The student replied, "It's dead." The teacher then asked, "How do you know for sure?" The boy said, "I pissed in its ear." Aghast, the teacher said, "You did what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So, it must be dead."
A policeman had just finished his shift one night and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened tonight," he says. "In all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "What happened?" asks his wife. "I came across two fellas down by the water- front," says the cop. "One of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "What did you do?" asks his wife. "Oh that was easy. I charged one and let the other off."
I gave out a list of some gifts I would like to have from 'Old Santa' to my six children & their families. One of the items listed was a belt, size 48-50 (I am of ample proportions). The following is a true story told to me by my son-in-law last night. He and my 7 year old grandson were out looking at gifts last week and my son-in-law told John to go look for a belt - size 48- 50. A little later John came back with the longest belt he found (size 44). Jack told him to take it back and get one 48-50. John came back a second time, again with the largest belt he could find (size 46). Jack told him again to get a size 48-50! Whereupon John asked, 'Dad do they really make cows that long?'
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day. Why don't you just swim around like us? Bob replied, with a smirk, well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there". The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back. The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "back up boys its a BLOW JOB!"
Whats the difference between a blonde and a toilet? The toilet won't follow you around for two weeks after you use it!
Speaking of orchestra's, .... Not to long ago at the New York Philmarmonic, when I think Horowitz was playing; Just after the applause from the 10th encore has died down, a man in the front row stood up, turned to the crowd and said: "And he will keep on playing until he does it right".
