The Clean Joke Thread (ain't gonna last)

Sorry mate i dont know any clean ones

 

Cute !

 

What did one egg say to the other egg? Come on, let's get cracking!

 

Presidents Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush and Clinton were on
a ship that hit a iceberg.

Ford screamed, "What should we do?"
Reagan said, "Ask Nancy."
Bush screamed, "Man the lifeboats,"
Carter said, "Women and children first!"
Nixon said, "Screw the women and children."
Clinton asked, "Do you think we have the time?"


p.s. I think that's pretty clean, no?

 

President Clinton returned from a trip to Arkansas aboard Air Force One.
As he descended the steps, the Marine at the bottom of the steps saluted
and noticed the President was carrying a pig under each arm. "Nice pigs,
sir." Said the Marine.

"I'll have you know young man," the President said, "that these are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks, and I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The Marine saluted once more and said, "Excellent trade, sir."

 

Q:What did the snail say when he rode on the turtle's back?

A:Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Thats the only clean one I know... it makes my friends' kids laugh.

 

A blonde insisted on sitting in first class on a flight to Hawaii even though she only had an economy ticket. Nobody could get her to move. Finally the captain said, "I have a blonde wife, let me try."

He goes up to her and mutters a few words in her ear and she moves back to the economy section.

When asked how he did it, the captain replies, "I just told her that first class was not going to Hawaii."

 

A guy walks into a bar and says "Ouch!"

Ok, sorry; i just can't do clean jokes...

Guy walks into his therapist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap around his waist; therapist says, "i can clearly see your nuts."

Thank you, thank you, tip your waitresses, i'll be here all week.

 

Jr. High, circa 1964!

 

what did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line?

i'm the weiner

 

What kind of key doesnt open a door?

a donKEY!!! lol, i love popsical stick jokes...

 

why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
because he was dead

why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
he thought it was a game

 

Two muffins are baking in an oven, one muffin turns to the other and says, "Man its hot in here" the other muffin exclaims, "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!"

 

"Gee Goldie, you sure have pretty eyes"

"Thanks. They were a birthday present".

- Laugh-in, circa 1970

(With the modern perception of medical technology, that joke tends to confuse people, these days.)


"What do you call someone who puts you in touch with the spirit world?"
"A bartender"
(same L-I episode, I think)


"Who was it that said `The Buck Stops Here'?"
"Bambi's mom"
(Oops - so much for clean.)

 

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

 

A court falls silent as the defendant is led into the courtroom.
The judge asks the defendant to stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chainsaw."
The crowd gasps and in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted, banging his gavel. "I will not tolerate such outbursts!"
He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You damned tightwad!" blurts the spectator again.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. After staring into the crowd, daring anyone to challenge him, he continues, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a‹" the man starts to shout, when the judge slams his gavel down and thunders back, "Sir, if you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt and have you locked up!"
The man stands and answers, "I've lived next to that guy for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a damn drill when I asked to borrow one?"

 

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would."
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Yes, I guess so."
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
The man replied, "No, she's left-handed."

 

Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?



































A: Put it under the grill till it's Bill Withers!

 

"This is your captain speaking. We've just lost #4 engine. It's perfectly safe, this airliner can fly on three engines just fine. But we're going to be about 15 minutes late arriving."

A bit later: "This is your captain speaking. We've just lost #3 engine. There's nothing to worry about, this plane can fly fine on two engines. But we're going to be about an hour late."

A while later: "This is your captain again. We've had to shut down #2 engine. We can still fly on one engine without a problem. But we're going to be a couple hours late."

At this point a passenger complains, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all day!"

---

A British Air pilot calls NY Center for a time check. The controller asks what airline he is.

"I don't see what that matters", objects the BA pilot.

"Well", replies the controller, "If you're TWA, it's 14:00. If you're Delta, it's 2pm. And if you're USAir, Mickey's big hand is on the 12 ..."

--

A few years back, a man posted to Compuserve's AvSig that his wife was going to be flying on a DC-10, and wanted assurance that it would be okay.

A pilot replied, "The DC-10 is a safe airliner. It goes up like a safe, and it comes down like ..."

 

There once was a man named enis....... oh wait, never mind.

 

This bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles, one of which is already occupied. So he enters the vacant stall, closes the door, drops his trousers and sits down. A voice then comes from the cubicle next to him "Hello mate, how`s it going?" Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the chap replies "Yeh, not too bad thanks" After a short pause, he hears the voice again "So, what are you up to then mate? Again, answering reluctantly, and unsure what to say, he replies "Amm, just having a quick poo. How about yourself?" He then hears the voice for the 3rd time..... "Listen mate I`m sorry, I'll have to call you back, I've got some madman in the next cubicle answering all my questions"