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THE GYM--------------------------------------

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by tonyh, Apr 20, 2004.

  1. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    > > The Gym
    > >
    > > For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
    > > purchased a week of personal training at the local health
    > > club for me.
    > >
    > > Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
    > > football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
    > > ahead and give it a try.
    > >
    > I Called the club and made my reservations with a personal
    > > trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a
    > > 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
    > > clothing and swim wear.
    > >
    > > My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
    > >
    > > The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress...
    > >
    > > Monday:
    > > Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but
    > > found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health
    > > club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of
    > > a Greek goddess-with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
    > > dazzling white smile. Belinda gave me a tour and showed
    > > me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on
    > > the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
    > > but I attribute it to standing next to her in her
    > > Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful
    > > way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
    > > workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging
    > > as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
    > > from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
    > > is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
    > >
    > > Tuesday:
    > > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
    > > the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
    > > iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs
    > > were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full
    > > mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
    > > I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
    > >
    > > Wednesday:
    > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
    > > toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
    > > forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
    > > Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.
    > > I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
    > > was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
    > > other club members. Her voice is a little too perky
    > > for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets
    > > this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt
    > > when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
    > > stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine
    > > to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
    > > Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
    > > enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
    > >
    > > Thursday:
    > > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
    > > exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
    > > full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late,
    > > it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me
    > > to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,
    > > I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find
    > > me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine
    > > - which I sank.
    > >
    > > Friday:
    > > I hate that b itch Belinda more than any human being
    > > has ever hated any other human being in the history of
    > > the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader.
    > > If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,
    > > I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
    > > don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
    > > don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything
    > > that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure
    > > you learned in the sadist school you attended and
    > > from which you graduated magna cum laude.) The
    > > treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health
    > > and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
    > > someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
    > > director?
    > >
    > > Saturday:
    > > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
    > > her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not
    > > show up today. Just hearing her made me want
    > > to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
    > > lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and
    > > ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
    > > Weather Channel.
    > >
    > > Sunday:
    > > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
    > > today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is
    > > over. I will also pray that next year my wife
    > > (the b itch) will choose a gift for me that is fun
    > > -like a root canal or a vasectomy.
     
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  3. Bertus

    Bertus Formula 3

    Mar 1, 2004
    2,099
    Belgium
    Full Name:
    Bert S
    LOL :D

    I liked the teeth brushing part :D
     
  4. chaa

    chaa F1 Veteran

    Mar 21, 2003
    5,058
    WOW! she sounds fantastic, i got the horn just reading that LOL!
     

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