The official Simpsons' quotes thread

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by j15, Mar 27, 2005.

  1. j15

    j15 F1 Rookie

    Jan 5, 2005
    Sydney Australia
    Full Name:
    Lets hear your favourite quotes from the simpsons...

    Homer: "They have the internet on computers now?"
  2. scott61

    scott61 Formula 3

    Feb 11, 2004
    North of Boston
    Homer: "I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute."
  3. mowater

    mowater Formula Junior

    May 24, 2004
    Homer : "Me? Fail English? Thats unpossible!"
  4. Bimmerista

    Bimmerista Formula 3

    Feb 7, 2004
    Carrollton, TX
    Full Name:
    That wasn't Homer, that was Ralph. :)
  5. tbakowsky

    tbakowsky F1 World Champ
    Professional Ferrari Technician Consultant

    Sep 18, 2002
    The Cold North
    Full Name:
    "I am so smart..I am so smart...s.m.r.t I mean..s.m.a.r.t"!!
  6. sixcarbs

    sixcarbs F1 Veteran
    Rossa Subscribed

    Dec 19, 2004
    "When I start my car, I want my neighbors to think the world is coming to an end."
    -Homer, from the episode where he helps design a car for his long lost brother Herb played by Danny Devito.

    Lots of great stuff here:
  7. Ryan S.

    Ryan S. Two Time F1 World Champ
    Silver Subscribed

    Mar 20, 2004
    "If you don't like your job, you don't quit. you just go in everyday and do it really half-assed, that's the American way." - Homer Simpson
  8. PrancingHorseFan

    PrancingHorseFan Formula Junior

    Nov 15, 2004
    "I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am." Homer Simpson
  9. SRT Mike

    SRT Mike Two Time F1 World Champ

    Oct 31, 2003
    Full Name:
    Raymond Luxury Yacht
    Homer goes to the post office to try to retreive a nasty letter he mailed to Mr. Burns before the letter is delivered and he gets fired.

    Homer: "Hello, my name is Mr. Burns, and I beleive you have a letter for me"
    Clerk" "Ok, my Burns, whats your first name?"
    Homer: "I... don't know." (turns and walks away)

  10. jscar71

    jscar71 Formula Junior

    Jul 14, 2004
    Montreal Qc, Canada
    Full Name:
    Milhouse: Everything is coming up Milhouse.
  11. Omerta

    Omerta Formula Junior

    Jan 10, 2004
    Stuck In the Mud---

    Homer: "First, I'll pull my legs out with my hands, and now, pull my hands out with my face"
  12. Dino Martini

    Dino Martini F1 Rookie

    Dec 21, 2004
    Calgary Alberta
    Full Name:
    Homer - I know Lisa, but what can I do? I'm only one man

    Growing tomacco
  13. BigHead

    BigHead Formula Junior

    Oct 31, 2003
    Outside of Boston
    Full Name:
    Comic Book Guy: Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, The Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you, this will mean much less breeding. For me, much much more.

    Homer: A gun is not a weapon Marge, it's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or... or an alligator.

    Lenny: Ow, my eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!

    Homer: I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

    Homer: It seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
    Skinner: How ironic.

    Homer: Bart! With $10,000 we'd be millionaires!

    Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay. Pfft. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.
    Homer: Stupidity, eh?

    Frink: Here we have an ordinary square.
    Wiggum: Woah! Slow down egghead!

    Skinner: Attention, this is an emergency broadcast. All is well in the school.

    Kent Brockman: A new mood is in the air in Springfield, a refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings, and really communicating with no holding back, and this reporter thinks it's about f***ing time.

    Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in there every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

    Marge: Are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
    Homer: Of course not Marge, just for the rest of his life.

    Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

    Homer: So, like us, let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free.

    Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

    Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! (pause) Except the weasel.

    Homer: To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!

    Wiggum: I tell ya, they only come out a night, or in this case, the daytime.

    Homer: Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?

    Homer: Default! The two sweetest words in the English language!

    Homer: If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

    Willy: I cannot fit into a wee vent, you croquet-playing mitt-muncher!
    Skinner: Grease your self up and go in, you... you guff-speaking work-slacker.
    Willy: Ooh, good comeback.

    Homer: You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said 'Homer, you're a big disappointment.' And God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

    Homer: He has all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
    Marge: What's that?
    Homer: (pause) A dinosaur.

    Homer: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

    Apu: This passport is a cheap forgery - a cheap, two thousand dollar forgery!

    Lisa: That's not fair. How come Bart is getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?
    Homer: Ah, the mysteries of life.

    Homer: Back you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me! And maybe the boy!

    Apu: I can recite pi to 40 000 places. The last digit is 1.
    Homer: Mmm... pie.

    Lisa: You must kill the head vampire - Mr. Burns!
    Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

    Homer: Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

    Ralph: Principle Skinner, I got carsick in your office.

    Kent Brockman: Well what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
    Homer: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
    Kent Brockman: (pause) Mmm, touch鮼/p>

    Homer: I can't live the buttoned down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odor - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called 'City Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?

    Mr. Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
    Homer: Oh yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!

    Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

    Moe: He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.

    Bart: We were just planning the father-son river rafting trip.
    Homer: Hehe. You don't have a son.

    Kent Brockman: We've come up with a camera so small, it fits into this oversize novelty hat.

    Homer: No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whiz.
    Apu: Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out and come again!

    Homer: I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.

    Homer: That's it! Being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand by and watch you feed a hungry dog! Go to your room!

    Grampa: Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life!

    Homer: Mmm, floor pie.

    Marge: Look at them! They've jumped on the one franchise I might possibly have considered thinking about becoming interested in.

    Comic Book Guy: Internet King - maybe he can provide faster nudity.

    Homer: I want to set the record straight - I thought the cop was a prostitute.

    Marge: I'm tired of being cooped up in this house all day.
    Homer: Open a window.

    Homer: Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.

    Homer: You don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo - that used to be your best friend's face, you'll know what to do!! Forget it Marge, it's Chinatown!!!



  14. BigHead

    BigHead Formula Junior

    Oct 31, 2003
    Outside of Boston
    Full Name:

    "Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch." -- Kent Brockman

    "A bloody end for Homer just one of several possible outcomes according to our computer simulation. Now here is how it would look if the police killed him with a barrage of baseballs." -- Kent Brockman

    "...and that fluffy kitten played with that ball of string, all through the night. And on a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered..." -- Kent Brockman

    Kent Brockman "Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?" Professor "Yes I would, Kent."

    "And in environmental news, scientists have announced that Springfield's air is now only dangerous to children and the elderly." -- Kent Brockman

    "Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene. [The cape says "DRACULA."] Police are baffled." -- Kent Brockman

    "Hello, I'm Kent Brockman, and welcome to another edition of 'Smartline'. Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say 'No. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?' But one woman says 'yes'...Marge Simpson." -- Kent Brockman

    "Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over- 'conquered' if you will- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthman or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves." -- Kent Brockman

    "Mankind has always dreamed of destroying the sun" -- Mr. Burns

    Smithers "Sir, I'm afraid we have a bad image, people see you as a bit of an ogre." Mr.Burns "I ought to club them and eat their bones!"

    "Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese." -- Mr. Burns

    "Ironic, isn't it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you." -- Mr. Burns

    "Oh your powers of deduction are exceptional. I simply can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go! Go for the good of the city!" -- Comic Book Guy

    "Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you this will mean much less breeding, for me, much much more." -- Comic Book Guy

    (At the dentist's office) "Lisa, so you won't be scared, I'll show you some of the tools I'll be using. This is the scraper, this is the poker, and this happy little fellow is called the gouger. Now the first thing I'll be doing is chiseling some teeth out of your jawbone. Hold still while I gas you." -- A Dentist

    "And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Sometimes as a lawyer." -- Lionel Hutz

    "Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidently' with 'repeatedly', and replace 'dog' with 'son'." -- Lionel Hutz

    "An election!? That's one of those deals where they close the bars isn't it?" -- Barney Gumbel

    "We need some more secret sauce. Put the mayonnaise in the sun." -- Manager at Krusty Burger

    "Serving the customer is merriment enough for me. Thank you, come again. See? Most enjoyable." -- Apu Nahasapeemapetilon

    "Attempted murder, really, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?" -- Sideshow Bob

    "I used to be With IT. But then they changed what IT was. Now what I'm with isn't IT, and what's IT seems scary and wierd. It'll happen to YOU." -- Abe Simpson

    "I got a funny story about that. Well it's not so much funny as it is long." -- Abe Simpson

    "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures." -- Bart Simpson

    "Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa." -- Bart Simpson

    "I'm not calling you a liar but....I can't think of a way to finish that sentence." -- Bart Simpson

    "Poachers are nature's way of keeping the balance. Whenever there are so many species that people get confused and angry a poacher is born." -- Homer Simpson

    "Being eaten by crocodile is just like going to a giant blender." -- Homer Simpson

    "Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory." -- Homer Simpson

    "I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge." Pause. "Well, goodbye" -- Homer Simpson

    "I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!" -- Homer Simpson

    "I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES." -- Homer Simpson

    "Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers." -- Homer Simpson

    "All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad." -- Homer Simpson

    "If he's so smart, how come he's dead?" -- Homer Simpson

    "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." -- Homer Simpson

    "Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use." -- The Simpsons

    "Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done." -- Homer Simpson

    "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'." -- Homer Simpson

    "I just realised that the cat and the dog haven't had a wedding, they've been living in sin!" -- Marge Simpson

    "Jimmy Carter?! He's history's greatest monster!" -- Someone in a crowd after a statue of Carter is unveiled

    "You go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what? So some pimply little puke can treat you like dirt because you're not on the team. Well, I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean not that fancy store bought dirt. That stuffs loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff." -- Moe Szyslak

    "Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything." -- Moe Szyslak

    "Lemmie tell you what I tell everyone who comes in here, the police are powerless to help you." -- Chief Wiggum

    "You know, fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty." -- Chief Wiggum

    "What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?" -- Chief Wiggum to Ralph

    "Ok folks, back away nothin to see here... Oh my god a horrible plane wreck! Hey everybody crowd around, come on don't be shy crowd around." -- Chief Wiggum

    "Ah jeez, can't you people take the law into your own hands?" -- Chief Wiggum

    "See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free." -- Chief Wiggum

    Man "How do you sleep at night?" Rainier Wolfcastle "On top of a big pile of money with many beautiful ladies."

    "Come see the battle to determine what the greatest nation on this planet is: Portugal or Mexico." -- World Cup Soccer Commercial

    "We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy." -- Milhouse Van Houten



  15. teak360

    teak360 F1 Veteran
    Silver Subscribed

    Nov 3, 2003
    Boulder, CO
    Full Name:
    I can't remember exactly. but I think they're close:

    "Leprechauns aren't real. They're make believe, like midgets and Eskimos."

    "Being able to weasel out of things is what separates man from lower animals, except the weasel."
  16. Doody

    Doody F1 Veteran

    Nov 16, 2001
    MA USA
    Full Name:
    Mr. Doody
    Homer (on the phone): "...that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked."

  17. j15

    j15 F1 Rookie

    Jan 5, 2005
    Sydney Australia
    Full Name:
    Kent Brockman: "how can i prove we're live? Penis!"

    man: "i just torched a building downtown and im afraid I'll do it again"
    Chief Wiggum: "sure, I'll just type that up on my invisible type writer, do de do do do... Whacko!"

    Homer: "Oh my god! someone is trying to kill me!, oh no wait its for the boy"

    Homer: "Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true."

    Troy Mclure: "It's Troy McClure. You may remember me from such dates as last night's dinner"

    Homer to his brain: "Don't tell him you were at a bar, but what else is open at night?".
    Homer to insurance assessor: "I was at a pornography store, I was buying pornography"
    Homer to brain "hehehe I would of never thought of that"

    McBain: "this is my mumma on her wedding day, or should i say... deading day."
  18. VROOM!!!

    VROOM!!! Formula 3

    Feb 11, 2004
    Los Angeles
    Full Name:
    Did anyone know that Loe the cop's voice started from a bad impression of Sylvester Stallone?
  19. sixcarbs

    sixcarbs F1 Veteran
    Rossa Subscribed

    Dec 19, 2004
    #19 sixcarbs, Mar 27, 2005
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
  20. hwyengr

    hwyengr Formula Junior

    Apr 9, 2004
    Chicago, IL
    Full Name:
    During the teacher's strike:

    Marge: Homer, I'm really worried about the kids. (Looking at Bart) There's something unwholesome about flying a kite at night.
    Homer: I know, and look at this perpetual motion machine Lisa built. It keeps going faster and faster. (Yells to Lisa) Lisa! In this house, we observe the laws of thermodynamics!
  21. Alex_V

    Alex_V F1 Rookie

    Apr 8, 2004
    Boulder, CO
    Full Name:
    Life Insurance Agent: Homer, do you smoke?

    Homer: Yes! Yes I do!

    Marge: Homer, you dont smoke.

    Homer: Marge! SHHHHHH! I want her to think Im cool!


    Homer: Why do I need to take English? Im never, ever, going to England.
  22. FarmerDave

    FarmerDave F1 World Champ

    Jul 26, 2004
    Full Name:
    Playing pool on Ned's new pool table, Homer says,

    "Watch this, they don't call me Springfield Fats just because I'm morbidly obese."
  23. zwodubber

    zwodubber Rookie

    Feb 10, 2004
    Full Name:
    Craig Loch. Jr
    Nelson to Mrs. Krebopple defending principle Skinner:

    Bros before hoes Mrs. K
  24. Rookie

    Mar 28, 2005
    Oh my lord,

    I just found Ferrari Chat and this is the first thing i get to reply to!

    (i might fit in well here)


    Ok i'll pick 2.

    1. FROM GIL the salesman:

    AWW she's a beaut. Ya can't beat a Coleco.
    How many can i put you down for?

    2. (lisa simpson is baby sitting Chief Wiggum's kids, and as The Cheif and his wife walk out the front door for their date....)

    LISA: Ok Cheif, have fun at Bob Saggat

    CHEIF: It's Bob Seger

    (looks down at tickets)


    Man i have tons more - i'm gonna sit back and read this thread for a while ;)
  25. j15

    j15 F1 Rookie

    Jan 5, 2005
    Sydney Australia
    Full Name:
    Chief wiggum: good work lou, you'll make sargeant for this
    Lou: I already am sargeant chief
    Chief Wiggum: Quiet lou, or i will bust you down to sargeant so fast it'll make your head spin

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