Things we should know..............

MAKING COFFEE

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's
got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...
gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak.
And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET

Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk
all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try
an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a
beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on
the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your
brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT

Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful
woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and... slip into
the old bag.

WASHING A CAR

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And
give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got
a nice wet sponge.

ANSWERING THE PHONE

Answering the phone, is... a little like making love to a beautiful
woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear,
speak... loudly and clearly... oh, yes - and don't forget to state
your name.

BEING IN A CRASH

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine carpile-up on a dual
carriage-way, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a
rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon
as possible.

GOING FISHING

Of course, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often
thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a
beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle,
carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that
may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full
length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at
the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a
decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot
in your bag.

BEING IN THERAPY

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful
woman. You... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies
and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your
money.

____________________________

DL