This is your Captain speaking.......

Attention, Passengers !"


All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

* * * * * *

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will
be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
* * * * *

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have.

>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
>> out of
>>>this airplane."
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
>> giving us
>>>the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
>> lone
>>>voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
>>>flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
>> when
>>>opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
>> sure
>>>as hell everything has shifted."
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
>> XXX to
>>>YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle
>> and
>>>pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
>>>know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
>>>unsupervised."
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
>> from
>>>the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
>> If
>>>you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
>>>assisting theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
>>>child...pick your favorite.
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds but
>> we'll
>>>try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
>> nobody
>>>loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
>>>emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
>>>compliments."
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
>> overhead
>>>area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
>> assisting
>>>children... or other adults acting like children."
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
>>>Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
>>>attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is
>> pleased
>>>to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
>> Unfortunately,
>>>none of them are on this flight!"
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
>>>City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
>> quite a
>>>bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
>> wasn't
>>>the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
>>>attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
>>>particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
>> Captain
>>>was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
>> Flight
>>>Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
>> remain
>>>in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
>> what's
>>>left of our airplane to the gate!"
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
>> ask
>>>you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
>>>terminal."
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
>> his
>>>ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
>> required
>>>the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
>> smile,
>>>and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light
>> of
>>>his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
>>>thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
>>>gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
>>>"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot.
>>>"What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
>> down?"
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
>> on
>>>with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
>>>Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
>> against
>>>the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells
>> are
>>>silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
>>>wreckage to the terminal."
>>>
>>>* * * * * *
>>>
>>>Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
>> you
>>>folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
>> urge
>>>to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
>>>you'll think of US Airways
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>A man gets into his seat on an airline, which is about to take off when
>>>another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats
>> beside
>>>him.
>>>The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking
>> quizzically
>>>at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
>>>The airline rep. says, "Don't mind Sniffer. He's a sniffing dog, he's
>> the
>>>best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to
>> work."
>>>
>>>The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
>> man,
>>>"Watch this." He tells the dog, Sniffer, search."
>>>
>>>Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for
>> a
>>>few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the
>> handler's
>>>arm. He says, "Good boy."
>>>The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
>>>possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat
>> number
>>>for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival."
>>>
>>>"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
>>>
>>>Once again, he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
>> about,
>>>sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and
>> places
>>>two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is
>> carrying
>>>cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
>>>
>>>"I like it!" says the first man.
>>>A third time, the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes
>> up
>>>and down the plane and, after a while, sits down next to someone. He
>> then
>>>comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the
>> place.
>>>The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly
>>>well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"
>>>
>>>The handler nervously replies, "oh hell, he just found a bomb..."
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