News

Thursday humor................

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by darth550, Jan 15, 2004.

  1. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    58,589
    In front of you
    Full Name:
    BCHC
    A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce.

    He asks, Any grounds?

    Woman: yeah, about 2 acres.

    Lawyer: Do you have a grudge ?

    Woman: No, we have a car port.

    Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning ?

    Woman: No,I get up before him.

    Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don't you want a divorce ?

    Woman: No, my husband wants it...he says he can't communicate with me !

    _______________________________________

    DL
     
  2. To remove this ad click here.

  3. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Morning DL.........
     
  4. JaguarXJ6

    JaguarXJ6 F1 Veteran

    Feb 12, 2003
    5,439
    Black Hawk, CO
    Full Name:
    Sunny
    I have a Sales rep/trainer like this in the office. I almost didn't take the job because I knew she was there. She really has no idea how much people can't stand her, because talking to her is like the conversation above, except, she has very little skills aside from Microsoft Office, WWW, and marketing skills. If it wasn't the fact she was shacking up with a manager, she would have been fired a long time ago.

    I really do not like this woman! I may get my next best option, a move back to Burbank in the coming days. Ugh.

    Sunny
     
  5. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    58,589
    In front of you
    Full Name:
    BCHC
    Morning Tony

    DL
     
  6. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    58,589
    In front of you
    Full Name:
    BCHC
    Two Partners of a law firm are having lunch....

    One turns to the other and asks, "Hey, have you slept with the receptionist yet?"

    "No" he replies.....

    "Good!" the first partner responds, "Then YOU fire her"

    ______________________________

    DL
     
  7. To remove this ad click here.

  8. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Two guys were stranded on a deserted island for over 20 years. One day, one finds a bottle and a genie comes out. I will grant each of you only one wish. The first guy immediately asks to go back home and "poof", he's gone. The second thinks for a minute then says to the genie, "You know I'm gonna miss him, can you bring him back?
     
  9. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    A waiter asks a customer, "Can I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man replies. "I'm just wondering, how exactly do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
     
  10. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Three old men were sitting around complaining of ageing. The first said, "I wish I could urinate properly - every time I do it ain't much and it really hurts."
    Second old man says, "I don't have much of a problem with that but I can't have a decent bowel movement and when I do it hurts."
    Third old man says, "I don't have a problem with either one. Every morning at 6:30 I have a pee, no problem, then at 6:45 a nice bowel movement, no problem, I just wish I could wake up before 7."
     
  11. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    58,589
    In front of you
    Full Name:
    BCHC
    A guy was on a business trip and he's staying in this fancy hotel.
    When he goes up to his room there's a sign near the bed that says,
    "Try our Oriental Massage."

    So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he'd like
    to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later a Japanese
    lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.

    He's lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a
    huge boner. She then tells him to turn over and when he does, she
    sees him standing to attention. She giggles and says, "Ahh,
    you want wanky!"

    He says, "Oooh, yes!" So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies
    on the bed waiting.

    A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door
    and says, "You finished yet?"

    _________________________________

    DL
     
  12. To remove this ad click here.

  13. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Tony Blair steps out onto Downing Street in the dead of winter. Right
    > in front of him, in front of No. 10, he sees "The Prime Minister Must
    > Die" written in urine across the snow.
    >
    >
    > Well, old Tony is pretty pissed off. He storms into his security
    > staff's HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow in
    > the front damn street! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-***** had
    > to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you
    > guys?!"
    >
    >
    > The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Tony
    > hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO
    > DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"
    >
    >
    > The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later
    > that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well
    > Mr. Blair, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news.
    > Which do you want first?"
    >
    >
    > Tony says "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says
    > "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just
    > came back, and it was Prescott's."
    >
    >
    > Blair says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! One of my own
    > Ministers! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?"
    >
    >
    > The officer replies "Well, it's Cherie's handwriting"
     
  14. gumball3000

    gumball3000 Formula Junior

    Dec 17, 2003
    287
    East Yorkshire
    Full Name:
    Ed Neilson
    How does Bob Marley like his donuts????








    With Jammin....
     
  15. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets and, when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

    Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also, being a practical leader, he decided to seek advice from experts.

    He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

    "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

    So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it still going to be a cold winter?" he asked.

    "Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter.

    The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

    Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?" he asked for a third time.

    "Absolutely," the weatherman replied. "In fact, it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever!"

    "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

    The weatherman replied, "The Indians are gathering wood like crazy...."
     
  16. Ferrari_tech

    Ferrari_tech Formula 3

    Jul 28, 2003
    1,527
    UK
    Full Name:
    Malcolm W
    Guys

    Great jokes, makes a change from technical stuff - keep them coming

    MW
     
  17. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    58,589
    In front of you
    Full Name:
    BCHC
    Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it
    started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the
    end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

    Lady 1: What's that?
    Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
    Lady 1: Where did you get it?
    Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

    The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
    announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms.

    The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80
    years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

    Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

    _________________________________

    DL
     
  18. CarlDog

    CarlDog Karting

    Nov 3, 2003
    52
    Southern NH
    Full Name:
    David
    New here (hello!), and I have this one...

    The little Rascals were in school when the teacher decided to have the children use a word she chose in a sentence.

    First the teacher picked Alfalfa - and the word was wonderful.

    Alfalfa said "The pie I had at dinner was wonderful !"

    The teacher then picked Darla, and her word was truly.

    Darla said "I have truly enjoyed this."

    Lastly, the teacher chose Buckwheat, his word was dictate.

    Buckwheat thought and thought, then said "Hey Darla, How'd my DICTATE !!!"


    Great site here and hopefully I may have an F-Car this summer. Thanks for the laughs.

    David Carlberg
     

Share This Page