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tool and what to use them for. {humor}

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by 62 250 GTO, Jan 26, 2004.

  1. 62 250 GTO

    62 250 GTO F1 Veteran

    Jan 9, 2004
    7,732
    Nova Scotia Canada
    Full Name:
    Neil
    GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE:

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used
    as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object
    we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
    cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes
    containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling
    mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
    principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
    and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
    future becomes.

    MOLE-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else
    is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
    palm of your hand.

    OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
    brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they
    are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
    searching for the last 15 minutes.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
    bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
    your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part
    you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under
    the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
    hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have
    installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly
    under the front wing (fender).

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a
    hydraulic jack.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic
    floor jack.

    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
    spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

    BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten
    times harder than any known drill bit.

    TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up.

    TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
    strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
    disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
    the handle.

    BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid
    from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
    battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
    light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
    not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main
    purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm
    howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
    its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
    paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
    the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel
    burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air
    that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts
    last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

    PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
     
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  3. damcgee

    damcgee Formula 3

    Feb 23, 2003
    1,864
    Mobile, AL
    Those had me laughing out loud.

    Good post
     
  4. 96impalaSS

    96impalaSS F1 Rookie

    Dec 8, 2003
    3,504
    Hell
    Full Name:
    Chris
    HA those were pretty good
     

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