Useless info thread #12, hollywood gossip

September 16, 2005

Jude Law is back with Sienna Miller





IMDb is reporting that "Jude Law whisked Sienna Miller off for an evening at London hotel The Savoy last night, sparking fierce speculation their romance is back on. The pair were photographed coming out of the Wyndham's Theatre holding hands after Miller's performance in As You Like It, before they leaped into a waiting car which sped them straight to the glitzy hotel." Said an onlooker:

"The two of them came out looking very relaxed and happy, hand in hand. When they left she looked really coy but pleased and he basically looked very happy with himself - like he'd finally won her back. Jude whisked her off to the Savoy."


How the onlooker knew they left and went to the Savoy, the article doesn't say and I'm not quite clear. I saw a robin today, and I'll be honest, after it flew away, I can't swear to you about its day. Then again, I'm a man of action, and I don't have time to follow boring actors, chicks I never should have heard of or pretty red birds. I cant go into details, but I'm often dropped behind enemy lines. There's lots of repelling and generals stressing the plausible deniability of my actions. Oh, but here are those pictures nonetheless.







posted by Brendon on Friday, September 16, 2005 | link this article | 14 comments **



Liv Tyler is ... ummm ... aw man, whats the word I'm looking for





Liv Tyler is maybe the only "amazing Hollywood beauty" who, if she tried to kiss me, I would do that thing where I lean back a little and instead offer her a hearty handshake. And not just cause she got so heavy. Her features don't really come off as attractive in real life. And also cause she got so heavy. I don't want to call her fat, but if she and I ever work in an office that sends us on a retreat, and we're partnered up to do trust falls, she's going to have trust issues from now on. By the way hun, that's not how you use a bike helmet. Its not designed to be a counterweight to your more food.








posted by Brendon on Friday, September 16, 2005 | link this article | 67 comments **



September 15, 2005

Chesney is too phoney, Hewitt is too clothed and Moss is too high





Jenny here with some links for y'all:

Four months after they were married, Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney are having their marriage annulled. It's refreshing to finally hear something other than the same old, monotonous "irreconcilable differences" as the excuse for a celebrity divorce. Renee cited "fraud" as the reason for their split. We can only assume "fraud" means Chesney finally took his giant cowboy hat and cool-guy puka shell necklace off long enough to reveal the insecure bald guy underneath. Don't get me wrong, I think bald guys can be pretty sexy, but the bald guy needs to own his baldness. Chesney just seems like the type of guy who, when about to have sex, would lay there in the bed with the covers pulled up to his neck wearing nothing but his hat, and in a whiney voice beg Renee to go switch off the lights before he took it off.

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Gorilla Mask has asked us nicely to sign their petition to force Jennifer Love Hewitt to shut up and finally show everyone her boobs. Isn't that really what everyone has been waiting for? Like that creep, Tom Cruise, Jennifer is the same person in every movie. Herself. But she does have a nice rack and that's pretty much the only reason anyone cares about her and she keeps getting parts in movies I almost never watch. A decent nude scene and more acting classes is all the girl needs to boost her career. Oh, a personality might help, too.

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Lastly, in case you haven't heard already, Kate Moss likes to snort big fat lines of coke. As seen in the picture below (courtesty of Gawker) someone snapped a photo of her doing her best Scarface impression on a CD cover at a recording studio where her boyfriend, Pete Doherty is working on his new album. It's always a good idea in this day and age (when even infants are carrying camera phones) to break out your stash in public. And it's an even better idea to choose a guy who smokes crack and heroin to be your boyfriend when you're trying to kick the habit. Hey, at least she made it celebrity cool by snorting it through money while wearing go-go boots and a slutty skirt.





Thanks to hotties Matthew, Dietram and Nick for the heads up.



posted by Jenny on Thursday, September 15, 2005 | link this article | 36 comments **



Ryan Reynolds is jolly





The great JoBlo has the poster for Just Friends, a holiday comedy starring Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, Anna Farris and - for some reason - Chris Klein. In the movie, Ryan is a record exec in a relationship with Christina Aguilera the character played by Farris. And while he looks like Ryan Reynolds now, he used to look like Ryan Reynolds in a fat suit. But now he's thin and he gets his chance at the girl of his dreams. The moral of course is fat people can never be loved.

I don't know how or when this happened, but fat people are like the last people it's socially acceptable to make fun of. At some point it stopped being okay to make observations about the micks, ginnies, spics, coons, wops, chinks, gooks or kikes, regardless of its merit. Oh, and the injuns. Man, make fun of those red-devils and you'll never hear the end of it. But, if you're nice to them, they'll give you tips on growing peyote and teach you to brush a pony's hair. At least that's my understanding. So, hey, maybe take one to see that Ryan Reynolds movie. (in eighth grade English, that's what we called 'coming full circle'.)

Click here to see more pics on JoBlo. Here to see the pretty funny trailer.






By they way, we got an angry email calling us racist for making fun of Jay-Z. We almost didn't even get to it because it got buried under all the angry email calling us racist after we said Britney is a possun-eatin hick for the millionth time. Oh wait, no, it didn't. Here's the thing if you think I'm racist: I don't care.



posted by Brendon on Thursday, September 15, 2005 | link this article | 28 comments **



Brad Pitt is gonna get naked





Brad Pitt is said to have a nude scene in the Assassination Of Jesse James, which he is currently filming in Canada. As the Sun UK notes, the 41-year-old Pitt last bared flesh in his 2004 movie Troy. A source told US Weekly:

(In the script) a fully nude Pitt baths himself with a washcloth while standing in a tub. This is a pretty long nude scene for any actor."


If you haven't seen Brad Pitt naked by now, you clearly haven't tried very hard. I haven't tried at all and I can think of at least three times. People seem to think that because he's ripped out and naked all the time he's some kind of sex machine. Well I'm here to tell you he's not a sex machine. At least, I haven't seen him at any of our meetings.







posted by Brendon on Thursday, September 15, 2005 | link this article | 77 comments **



Preston Michael Spears Federline is one day old





Britney has now named her son and the days when she was going to name him "Charlie" or "Vegas" seem almost charming in comparison to Preston Spears Federline. The Cliff Notes version of yesterday from the New York Post

Spears became mother of a bouncing baby boy named Preston Michael Spears Federline. Spears and her husband, aspiring rapper Kevin Federline, were rushed to the UCLA Santa Monica Medical Center with a police escort, according to Us Weekly. Six hours later, Spears gave birth via Caesarean. This is Spears' first child, but Federline's third - he has two kids with Shar Jackson, whom he threw over for Spears."


I'm borderline amazed she even released the name of the kid, and didn't wait for the bidding war to commence so she could whore out the last remaining shreds of dignity between these two. Is there any doubt the aspiring rapper spent more time last night on the phone with tabloids and a roll of film in his hand than he did with the baby. And that the kids first words are gonna be "I aint playin, yo."



posted by Brendon on Thursday, September 15, 2005 | link this article | 23 comments **



September 14, 2005

BREAKING NEWS - Britney is giving birth right now





The great Radar Online - who is owned by the same parent company as the New York Daily News and US News and World Report - is claming that Britney Spears is giving birth to her first child, a son to be named London Preston, as we speak, at 11:33 Pacific Coast Time. Radar says:

A little (but very reliable) birdie tells us that Ms. Spears is giving birth (via C-section) at Cedars-Sinai right now. The Federcletus has arrived!"



The water streaming down my cheek right now either means this touching moment has moved me to tears, or I just kicked the **** out of my table as I sat down to write this. Okay, yeah, that's blood. BRB.


update - A call to the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles confirms that their maternity ward nurses are rude too busy for shennanigans, and hang up on you as soon as you say "Britney Spears". Interpret that however you like.

sexy new update - The National Enquirer is also reporting the story and adding that Britney's C-section began at 7:30 am/PT. She arrived for surgery at 6 am/PT.

grrr, look at this update - It has begun. E! Online and US magazine say that "Britney Spears gave birth shortly before 1 p.m. Wednesday at Santa Monica UCLA Medical Center. Spears and Kevin Federline arrived at the hospital with a police escort shortly before 6 a.m. and medical staff whisked Spears into a birthing suite. According to hospital sources, Spears was wheeled into a delivery room about 12:15 p.m. and within minutes the first-time mother had delivered via C-section with Federline by her side."

Mother and child both are reportedly fine.



posted by Brendon on Wednesday, September 14, 2005 | link this article | 90 comments **



I don't like links in that way





Jenny here throwing some late night links at you:

The kid who was good enough to hack Paris Hilton's cell phone and share its contents with all of us has been sentenced to 11 months in jail. Paris Hilton should send a solid gold 'Thank You' note to anyone who sells her nakedness. Without these sex tapes and phone hackings she'd still be a filthy rich whore that people love to hate, but one without a t.v. show, movie and *cough* record contract.

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I guess it's time to place bets on how soon Madonna will be filing for divorce from Guy Richie because Guy has allegedly quit the Kabbalah. Richie is reportedly blaming the failure of his gangster flick, Revolver, on the ol' ball and chain because she insisted he include Kabbalah references in the movie. Guy might also want to place some of the blame on his tiny balls because he wasn't brave enough to say "No".

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I'd be flattered if like Renee Zellweger I was specifically selected for a big movie role, but not so much if it was because I was known for my raging case of acne.

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D'Angelo who is probably best known for that music video for that song I don't remember where he's naked and almost flashing his sausage got himself arrested for being a drunken, pot smoking cokehead.

[Via College Humor]

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SmitHappens has the entire collection of one of my favorite SNL sketches, Celebrity Jeopardy.

[Via Gorilla Mask]



posted by Jenny on Wednesday, September 14, 2005 | link this article | 7 comments **



Angelina Jolie is getting married





Several Italian papers reported yesterday that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are now planning their wedding. The ceremony will be held in the next few months at Villa Oleandra, the villa on Lake Como formerly owned by John Kerry, who sold it for 10 million in 2002 to George Clooney. According to the newspapers they will get married in Como and also spend part their honeymoon there.

I woke up today on a bed made from hundred dollar bills snuggled between a half dozen girls with sticky red hair, so I've obviously got it all figured out, but even I have to admit that these pictures of Villa Oleandra make it look pretty great. And since I'm a huge fan of pictures with the word "proof" plastered across the front, well, I don't want to ruin the surprise, but man was I in luck. And if you're wondering, "Hey you handsome devil, with all this wedding planning, does Angelina even have time to get hammered and stumble around drunk?" Well, Yes. Yes she does.








update - Some people say Angelina never looks bad. Some people have never seen her dance. You may have done this move the last time you went on a roller coaster or asked your mom for "upsies".







posted by Brendon on Wednesday, September 14, 2005 | link this article | 327 comments **



Britney has no idea what shes doing





Britney Spears is making sure to include the rituals of her new religion in the birth of her child, who is due any day now. She credits Kabbalah with turning her life around and now wants the religions birth ceremonies followed to the letter. This includes Kevin Federline reading aloud from the Zohar - the Kabbalah Holy Book - which is written in ancient Hebrew. He will have to chant a prayer known as "Ana B'Koach," and the "42-letter name of God."

Is it really the greatest idea in the world to have Kevin Federline standing over a newborn reading spells in a language he doesn't understand. I don't know what "Umm, like ... Melchizedek ... and all" does to ancient prayers, but odds are, from that point on, Britney will just have an endless line of colorful scarves coming out of her ******. Delivery rooms aren't exactly serene meadows of happiness, the only sound being the unicorns as they frolic. It's nothing but chaos and yelling and screaming, and this retard is expected to read Hebrew. The dude is naming his son London Preston; two syllable words that rhyme, you really think he's ready for the 42 letter name of God. By their own admission, neither one of them understands this crap, one wrong word could turn the kid into a rabbit or flock of doves for all they know.

Oh but hey, don't let me stand in the way of your totally legit religion that charges 26 dollars for 6 inches of magic string. You kids have fun with your rabbit.



posted by Brendon on Wednesday, September 14, 2005 | link this article | 17 comments **



September 13, 2005

Jay-Z is Yoko





Jenny here:

I've seen pictures of Beyonce Knowles without the 24 lbs. of make-up, ridiculous costumes and Scandinavian girls' hair glued to her scalp and she still manages to be pretty hot underneath it all. Factor in the fact that she can sing and dance her voluptuous tushy off and she's quite a catch. However, the thought of her having sex with the utterly hideous Jay-Z makes her a little less appealing. And if you also consider the fact that Jay-Z (real name: Shawn Carter) is a gangster, thug, crack dealer turned rap mogul with a ginormous snout, then Beyonce's really not so hot after all ... even when she's spread eagle on a chair and flashing her undies to the audience at this year's World Music Awards as seen below.






I didn't bother to include the pictures of Beyonce with the other Destiny's children because nobody really cares about them which is probably the real reason they performed their final concert last weekend.



posted by Jenny on Tuesday, September 13, 2005 | link this article | 36 comments **



Paris Hilton is a slut





Radar Online is reporting that unrepentant slut Paris Hilton isn't letting her upcoming wedding stand in the way of her whoreing. Sources say Hilton has been seen way too much with Scott Storch, the hip-hop producer behind her upcoming debut album. According to Radar, the couple that they've dubbed Sleazy and Dopey, were first seen...

two weeks ago when Storch squired the heiress to the VMAs - with her devoted fiance nowhere in sight. "They were holding hands the whole time in Miami and were all over each other," says one observer. But chatter about the celebutante's straying ways reached fever pitch at this Saturday's Play Station Portable fashion show in New York. "He was wearing those tinted wrap-around shades he always has on and a shiny suit, like some extra from Carlito's Way," says the source. "All the paparazzi wanted to take his picture because they know he's her boyfriend."


In Paris Hilton's defense, this guy is pretty dreamy. Here they are together at a Hurricane Katrina fundraiser 3 days ago. Sure, she's engaged, but this guy is just poured into that suit. How could she not sleep with him. I'm all man, but I started to edit these pictures and I had no intention of taking my clothes off, but, look, there they are, on the floor.







posted by Brendon on Tuesday, September 13, 2005 | link this article | 64 comments **



Heidi Klum has a little boy





Several sources reporting that Heidi Klum has given birth to a little boy. The German model, who already has a daughter named Leni, reportedly gave birth in LA in the early hours of this morning. Her publicist told Entertainment Tonight that Heidi will "hopefully will be ready for the Emmys" on Sunday.

And thank God she'll be ready for the Emmys. Cause otherwise I would have watched the Emmys and thought, "wait a second. Where's Heidi Klum? Is she okay? Why haven't they said anything Heidi Klum?" And then I would have wandered the streets yelling "Heidi!" putting up flyers and looking behind bushes.

No pictures of the new family yet. The few we put up here a few days ago were some of the last taken before her delivery, along with the one below. No word on when the guy in the yellow shirt is due, but I hear he's expecting twins. He's so blessed.







posted by Brendon on Tuesday, September 13, 2005 | link this article | 20 comments **



September 12, 2005

Peter Brady is a lucky guy





Jenny here with more guilty pleasures:

Yesterday was the world premiere of VH1's new series My Fair Brady which chronicles the relationship between Christopher Knight, a.k.a. Peter Brady from The Brady Bunch, and Adrianne Curry of America's Next Top Model fame. Their romance sparked while filming Surreal Life 4. Okay, I'll admit I watch Surreal Life. Point and laugh all you want, but it's less than thirty minutes of insanity and uncomfortable laughs, so I'll take it.

Here's the lovely couple. Adrianne's tongue makes Chris look short.




A few others from that season of Surreal Life also showed up including the very talented and adorable Jane Wiedlin from The Go-Go's, and that guy Joanie Laurer (a.k.a. Chynna).





Also there was Jose Canseco who stars in this season's installment of Surreal Life. I think it's safe to assume at least 95% of his wardrobe consists of sleeveless shirts.







posted by Jenny on Monday, September 12, 2005 | link this article | 19 comments **



Lopez is maternal and Cruise is still mental





Jenny here, sending a few links your way:

Jennifer Lopez (a.k.a. 'JeLo') insists her employees call her 'Mom'. Most of us are aware of the fact that Jennifer Lopez is is long overdue for a swift kick in the ass. God, I can't stand her. And it really annoys me that we share the same first name. I'd prefer not to be associated in any way with someone as useless as Lopez. She can't sing, she can't act and she's about as well behaved as a mangy cat who takes a dump on your pillow while she stares you right in the eye.

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Tom Cruise pissed off his alleged 'friend' Jamie Foxx when he donated $5,000 in Foxx's name to his beloved cult, the Church of Scientology. Foxx was also weirded out when a recent dinner with Cruise turned into a Scientology sales pitch. It amazes me that anyone who knows how hungry Cruise is to convert everyone to Scientology can be tricked into meeting him for dinner at some 'surprise' destination and not assume he's going to be his usual, insane self. Seriously, people. Tom Cruise plays Tom Cruise in every movie, so why are so many of you still buying tickets to his movies? Anyone who considers casting him might as well name his character "Tom Cruise" because he can't ever stray from his Napoleon complex and trademark disingenuous laugh. I'd rather watch Courtney Love get a pap smear than see another Tom Cruise movie.



posted by Jenny on Monday, September 12, 2005 | link this article | 22 comments **



Britney Spears has not given birth





Despite rampant tabloid reports to the contrary, Britney Spears has assured the world she hasn't had her baby yet. Her spokesman said:

Britney Spears has not given birth. She's not even in hospital. The baby is due some time in the next month."


Maternity wards may or may not usually come with cannons, I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but hopefully Britney's will, cause the best thing for the baby would be to just fire the kid out of the cannon right after delivery. Maybe spin the cannon around a few times to make it seem like a game show. Or get one of those giant slingshots my fraternity used to used to shoot potatoes. Wherever the baby lands, it will be better off. A similar approach was taken with Moses, and we still talk about him. Baby Moses was about to have his throat slit by command of the pharaoh, whereas baby Preston is about to be raised by Kevin Federline. Which one is worse, I'll let you decide.



posted by Brendon on Monday, September 12, 2005 | link this article | 13 comments **



Oprah Winfrey is a *****





Ben Widdicombe of the New York Daily News was on a flight recently and asked the attendants who were the best and worst celebrities whom they'd had on board. Sharon Stone, Lindsay Lohan, Alicia Keyes and Julia Roberts got props for being the *nicest. Oprah Winfrey and Reggie Jackson were said to be the least pleasant to deal with. And any diva behavior?

"Once, a couple of years ago, we had J.Lo on board," laughed one steward. "She made us take all the free newspapers out of first class because there was a story about her that she didn't like."


JeLo would be told to kiss my ass, that I'm not taking everyone's newspapers away because there's a story that says you act exactly like youre acting right now. And besides, we're on a plane and you're more than welcome to walk out the door if you like. But what I find impossible to believe is that Oprah would make the "mean" list. Because her character on TV is so generous and sassy. I mean, could someone who is just pretending say "giiirrrrlllll..." whenever she has a black guest on, but suddenly morph into Jackie Kennedy when there's a white guest. Obviously, she only does that to make the guest feel comfortable, because in her mind all black people talk like Brer Rabbit, and all white people went to prep schools in the Northeast on the crew team when not practicing our Skull and Bones secret handshake. And if anyone thinks different, you're a racist. As Oprah will gladly point out.



posted by Brendon on Monday, September 12, 2005 | link this article | 20 comments **



Oprah: "America Needs To Apologize to Katrina Victims"





(note - I'm from Louisiana, about 5 minutes form the Mississippi border, my parents home was destroyed by Katrina, so this post is going to get pretty cathartic, and its going to be bitter, not funny, so you should probably just skip it. Sorry)

IMDb is reporting that "Oprah Winfrey is furious over the way the victims of Hurricane Katrina have been treated, and believes America owes the survivors an apology. Winfrey cut short her summer break to host special episodes of her show from the nation's Gulf Coast and was horrified by the scenes which awaited her."

This country owes these people an apology. This makes me so mad. This never should have happened."


Type "Katrina fundraiser" in Google and you're immediately hit with stories about bake sales and car washes in Black Hills, South Dakota. You read about teenage girls playing the violin in front of a gas station in California. You get websites for liberal and conservative blogs. You read about little girls selling lemonade to raise money for strangers in Minonk, Illinois. And they dont do it in front of television cameras after 6 hours of hair and makeup. Oprah's idea of philanthropy is to give cars to her audience but never mention that the cars were provided free of charge by Pontiac. It didn't cost her a dime, and it fact cost each recipient about 4000 dollars in taxes. In this case, she left her mansion in Indiana, drove down the private road she had the local government pay for so she could walk around the Superdome in thousand dollar boots and a gas mask.

The Katrina "victims" in New Orleans have what they have right now because of the kindness and generosity of Americans. They owe these people nothing, yet they all gave something, because that's what Americans do, you fat arrogant *****. Government - regardless of what party is in charge - never does anything quickly or efficiently or economically, yet only Oprah has the insight to see the sinister motive behind it all. When Hurricane Hugo hit South Carolina and caused 7 billion in damages, FEMA didn't report for 32 days, because FEMA is not set up as a first-responder, but I'm sure Oprah is gonna mention that any day now. Her billion dollar fortune is built on white housewives watching her idiot rambling, but she's always delighted to call Americans racist. By they way, how much food and Evian did your fat ass pound while you were down there wringing your hands and throwing gas on the fire, you mean divisive *****.


update - This kind of turned into a thread about politics, which wasn't my intent because no one cares about my politics, but just to be clear, if Oprah had stopped eating puppies long enough to say, "All levels of government owe these people an apology", well then, fine, that's her opinion. But for her to point her drumstick and say "America owes these people an apology" is just offensive and ungrateful. And also, she's fat.



posted by Brendon on Monday, September 12, 2005 | link this article | 119 comments **



September 9, 2005

MTV still sucks





Like, totally embarrassing Jenny moment:

Okay, so if you're like me you're annoyed with the fact that no matter how many channels you have, 90% of the time there's nothing on them when you have the time to sit down, vegetate and watch them. I'd be more than happy to watch Discovery Channel, The Learning Channel, et al. more often if there weren't so many depressing shows which focus on things like animals eating their young, biographies of notorious serial killers and autopsies. So occasionally I find myself watching mind numbing garbage on MTV and amongst the seemingly endless loops of commercials there are shows like the ... uh ... 'reality' show Laguna Beach which focuses on the trials and tribulations of being a teenaged, spoiled brat whilst residing on the coast of Southern California.

I feel so sorry for every self absorbed snot on that show every time they ***** and whine about life as they stand on one of their beachfront or hillside property's third story balconies and take for granted their panoramic view of the Pacific Ocean at sundown. But I'm a very sensitive person, so I don't expect you meanies to be as empathetic as I am.

Anyway, so here are the two main 'stars' of that show, Kristin and Lauren ("LC"), at Stuff magazine's Stuff Style Awards on September 7th.




In honor of their rivalry, select Hollister stores are selling Team Kristin and Team LC shirts which are as stupid as Team Aniston and Team Jolie shirts sold at Kitson and seen here on America's favorite media whores, the Hilton sisters.





In my defense, Laguna Beach is more annoying than depressing and isn't half as gross as an autopsy, so cut me some slack, will ya?

 

Bump for 2,000th post

 

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