What is the funniest thing you've ever read?

I read Tom Arnold's book a few years back. It was pretty funny.

If you are a regular the Ritz will let you wear almost anything you want. And they will open up the kitchen for you at 3 AM and cook you a burger. I miss that place, damn katrina.

 

Funniest thing I have read? Maybe that thread that was up for like 5 minutes about Art being banned

jk

 

http://www.mcmanusbooks.com/
Patrick McManus

HAVE read 20 times each - tears of mirth EVERY time:

The Night the Bear Ate Goombaw (1989)
Rubber Legs and White Tail-Hairs (1987)
The Grasshopper Trap (1985)
Never Sniff a Gift Fish (1981)
They Shoot Canoes, Don't They (1981)
A Fine And Pleasant Misery (1978)

I haven't been "back home" in years, ya see...

Have NOT read:

The Blight Way
The Bear in the Attic
Deer On a Bicycle (2000)
Kid Camping From Aaaaiii to Zip (1999)
Into the Twilight, Endlessly Grousing (1997)
Never Cry "Arp!!" (1997)
How I Got This Way (1994)
The Good Samaritan Strikes Again (1992)
Real Ponies Don't Go Oink (1991)

 

The Cartoon section of a Danish newspaper earlier this week

 

Anybody know where we can get to see these? I'm sure they are on the web somewhere.

 

http://www.jp.dk/indland/artikel:aid=3532456:fid=11146/ the toons are in a bar on the lefthand side (not great resolution but hey ho)

 

On FerrariChat it would have to be:

http://ferrarichat.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24881&highlight=lost+divorce

 

Ron Luciano's 'The Umpire Strikes Back'.

Ron was an umpire in Major League Baseball for many years, and this was his first book. The next two books were okay at best....but this one had me in tears in the aisle at the bookstore.....and I'm not even that huge a baseball fan.

Neil

 

He is a damn funny author, have read all but the two most recent.

 

Freakin' hilarious stuff. I 'discovered' him when I was a junior in high school. I got strange looks from laughing so hard in the school library.

 

Coyote V. Acme
Ian Frazier, The New Yorker, Feb. 26, 1990.

IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT, SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT, TEMPE, ARIZONA
CASE NO. B19294, JUDGE JOAN KUJAVA, PRESIDING

Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
–v.–
Acme Company, Defendant

Opening Statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering causes as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts of all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalog #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
Sooty discoloration.
Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We now come to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunciton. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of his chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughtly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time.

The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues---a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.

As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directory, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.

 

Currently reading Texas Hold 'Em by Kinky Friedman

 

Thank you again, URO, for the gift that keeps on giving!

 

Texas Chili Taster

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. Texans take their chili cook-offs seriously.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I eagerly accepted."


Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank): Holy schitt, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge #3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting schitt-faced from all of the beer.


Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge #3: Bubba is a sadistic ass-hole. I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 pound lady is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I schitt myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2: Ho hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about judge #3.

(Judge #3 appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.)

Judge #3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like schitt to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chili #8: Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge #1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

Another vote for McManus! This was my thought as soon as I read the Topic title.

Wax, just reading the list of titles made me laugh. I'll have to crack one open when I get home tonight.

Mike

 

I find most things that come out of Bush's mouth both funny and sad..

 

You lucky slobs - having all access to Patrick McManus's writings is a beautiful thing.

Taking a look here at some other funny books...

I've got the original Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey - first edition, even.
Getting Even by Woody Allen
How to Be an Italian by Lou D'Angelo
Fred Allen's Letters (edited by Joe McCarthy - no, not that one) is highly influential and funny to me, at least. He could take something from nothing and connect the dots and was more than a radio star way back when...
"You can count on the thumb of one hand the American who is at once a comedian, a humorist, a wit, and a satirist, and his name is Fred Allen" - James Thurber

I'm going to pick one of the huge amount of letters at random to retype:

I'll be damned.

It's the first letter in the book.

There's a 20 page intro, ya see...

The letter's not one to Groucho or any of the others he was in regular contact with, but, nevertheless, it not only gives some insight into his um, insight, it shows he wasn't aloof, as there are many letters to people from all walks of life...
_

Mabel Dawson*

october
18th
1946

dear miss dawson...
thank you for your letter.
you will be glad to learn that the honey arrived in excellent condition. portland had some at breakfast yesterday and reported that it was the best she had ever tasted.
we don't get much honey here in new york. we have had one bee for some time, we have no flowers and have to let him out to sneak to the various florist shops in the neighborhood. i think our bee is nearsighted. it must spend a lot of time on artificial flowers, for the amount of honey it gives some months is negligible.
our bee has no comb. it carries the honey on its person. when we want honey we summon the bee, point to the biscuit, or whatever object we want the honey on, the bee flies to the table, squats and buzzes a little and when it arises we have about enough honey to float a carraway seed.
you can imagine what a boon it is to us to have three large jars of honey. we are sending our bee down to florida for a good rest this winter. i am sure that when it returns, brown and healthy, it will be ready to pick up where it left off and keep us in honey for years to come.
we are having a difficult time finding guests to use on the program but i guess we will manage to keep going some way during the coming season. if not, some week, i may put our bee on the show and there will be a real b on n.b.c.

sincerely...

fred allen

*One of the Allen radio show's fans

 

hmm funniest thing i have ever read... It would probably be the reviews for Gigli...