What to Say to the Dying?

A picture is worth a thousand words.

I'm guessing you already know . . . those words would mean everything to him.

 

Best book I've read on knowing you're going to die is "Chasing Daylight".
Written by the former CEO of KPMG when he was diagnosed with brain cancer.
He knows he is going to die and wants to optimize his remaining time here.

And yes, at the end of the book, he does pass away.

http://www.amazon.com/Chasing-Daylight-Forthcoming-Death-Transformed/dp/0071471723

Not sure how to get this info to your doctor friend.
Maybe suggest it as a book he might want to read?
.

 

Im going to read that

 

If it were me I wouldnt want to feel pitied so id rather it never be mentioned.

Just be business as usual with me.

I had a friend die of Hodgkins and he hated it when people treated him delicately or with pity. He just wanted to be treated normally and thats what we did even during his last hours we talked as if Id see him next month or next year.

 

Don't let him think you're kidding him.

Let him think you're kidding yourself.

"See you later."

 

I'll never forget when a very close family friend was losing her battle with cancer. I was about 17 at the time. I was very close friends with her daughter she was like a sister to me. I'll never forget walking into their home and seeing Anna, on a hospital bed in their family room with all kinds of machines hooked up to her. I couldn't say anything. I felt so bad. I couldn't say "how are you" or "nice to see you" nothing... All I could do was kiss her on the forehead and hold her hand. But looking back, and remembering the smile she gave me, with an understanding look, makes me feel a bit better. She passed 2 days later.

 

How about instead of trying to figure out a rehearsed speech just talk to him 'man to man, person to person'? I remember talking with my aunt Myra the day before she passed away and talking with with my uncle Maurice just hours before he passed away. The best thing I did was not talk about our history/the past but only what they had given me and instilled within me and how they made me a better person.

 

Sounds like your plan would be a good one. Go for it.

 

+1

 

Have lost a fair number of people I knew closely in the last few years to cancer.

In every case, as far as I could tell, the important thing wasn't what you said, but rather that you cared enough to stop by and see them - even when they are so far gone they don't resemble so much as a shadow of their healthy selves. So many other "friends" and family will stay away from them so THEY don't have to suffer seeing someone near death.

 

^
This..

It's times like these when you or the person dying finds out who their true friends are.

Go see him, and talk about the good times working together, and shared experiences.

I went thru this last spring with my dad, and was amazed at who came to see him and who didnt, and who would call/ask about him and who didnt.

Fortunatly for me, my dad had life saving surgery and today almost a year later has made a full recovery.

 

I'll agree with many statements here about simply visiting the person. I lost a good friend of mine, she was dating my best friend, exactly 5 months ago to cancer. My friend went into quite a depression for obvious reason. One of the biggest items that bothered him is her "friends" who never visited or visited once in her long hospital term prior to passing.

The key thing is to actually visit said person. When you are there it's not your time to be depressed or sad. You can certainly not script it but just "shot the ****" as they say.

 

That's a great book. It really tells you how to manage your own death by example.

But I wouldn't recommend it to someone already very terminal (like a Stage 4 cancer patient).

I agree to not avoid the topic or the person. Just spend time with them. You don't need to say much, or plan a conversation. Just be there.

Matt

 

Any updates venusone??

 

Sometimes I find solace in the words of movie characters when I can't find the words myself... For example, take quote what Rodrigo, the Mexican boy in Santa Poco said to Dusty Bottoms in Three Amigos...

"Can I have your watch when you are dead?"

 

There is no "right thing" to say. Be kind, genuine, supportive, and compassionate. Relate some good times you remember you shared, and some things they would never expect from you. It can be cathartic for everyone involved, but don't make it sound like a final good-bye. Finding the strength to do the above is another thing...been there, it's tough.

 

I told both of my parents; "see you soon".

 

I told my Step Grandmother that spirits dont die. Death is just a change from the physical to the spiritual realm, it is nothing more than an evolution like a butterfly leaving its chrysalis. There is nothing to fear.

 

Having died three times post being hit by a car, ICU 3months etc. there is no one conversation for all. The shear fact of the visitation means a lot and let the individual take the lead. They know the situation and are not looking for a song and a dance. Be truthful, answer appropriately,be caring. One of the things today that still make me angry as H..l is when someone says you sure look good and God must have had something else for you to do before you died.

Docf

 

The most truthfull non-sucking words I told both my aunt Myra and uncle Maurice last year only hours before they passed away was "I was thinking about you and just wanted to call and say hello and tell you that I love you".

 

Lots of truth to that. For this thread and if he is a Man of God, conversations are easy.
I think about death all the time and it's an unbelievable thing that one day I will not wake
up to the world I know and the people I love. On the flip side, I know I will be in a great
kingdom. Some days, I can hardly wait!

 

I agree - just a visit would mean the world to that person. Talk about memories and fun times or whatever they choose to talk about.




PDG