Wife's family--what we have to deal with every holiday

It's always something--this year's players:

Tiff--My wife. A saint.

Bill--The patriarch. You know him, always ready with a horribly awkward joke, usually because he tells it in front of a woman or minority. The love died decades ago, and he "lives' in the den and sleeps alone. Lives life w/o a clue, and is equally helpful around the house. Typically a holiday consists of him getting up at the crack of dawn to go to McDonald's for a coffee, down to the Y to hang with the boys, then down to the lakefront where he wanders around aimlessly until it's time to return home just in time to fix a plate of din-din. Spends more time talking to strangers than his own family, unless he want to show off the free 2008 tax calendars he got at the car wash...

Jan--Mother-in-law. A sweetheart at the core, and the only shred of glue that keeps the ragtag clan of 6 kids cohesive. But a raging hypo-condriac. In her mid-70s she runs a daycare 5 days a week in the basement.

Mark--Oldest of the offspring at 49. Occupation: Retired. Oh, not retired in the sense of having made a ton of money and reaping the rewards. It's "retired" as in his wife and kids left his lazy overweight lazy ass, living with his brother and fulfilling his dream of living off of disability since he doesn't get around too well. Bad hips and knees from being a fat lazy alcoholic. Don't worry, he still has the Ford Explorer to suck gas bucks out of his subsidized pocket. Mark's brother Jim hates Mark--a real-world Odd Couple. Jim sent photos to his parents (who sometimes send money to help out) under the title "Mark's Mayhem". Photos detailed Mark's slovenly nature, the likes of which conjure memories of college apartments. Think bottles of rum in the closet, dried out pans on the range, beer bottles strewn next to the bed amid discarded tissues...There was actually a photo of Mark passed out on his bed, sideways with feet on the floor, belly rolled to the side and pants around his ankles.

Tammy--Oldest sister, she's the prototypical anal-retentive mother of three (great kids, actually). She's got the chops to boot--mom haircut, mom jeans, and I honestly believe she fears that the world drops off into an abyss if she ventures outside her 6-block life radius.

The Scene: Bill is sound asleep in his den. Really, he's an early pioneer of the man-cave, but for all the wrong reasons. I'm asleep on the trundle bed in a guest room, but my pregnant wife can't sleep on the soft mattress because it's too soft. She was hanging with her mom in mom's suite, talking into the night. Some time around 2 am my wife wakes me and tells me she's taking her mom to the ER--mom's on all kinds of meds but is worried about her gall bladder. I asked if she wanted me to take her (we have a toddler so someone has to stay), she said no thanks, so I told her to call me when they checked in. I didn't sleep much, and at 4 she phoned me back. I stayed up, made coffee, etc. I put the turkey in the oven (not a euphemism) at 5:30 and started getting sides ready for the family dinner. I waited until 9 to call Mark and Tammy. She was getting her kids ready to leave in 3 hours (?) and Mark's phone went to voicemail. Shortly after that, Bill emerged from the den. I had already had this conversation with him in my head several times, and I knew when I saw him he planned to do his usual McDonald's etc. routing. He walked by and looked in Jan's room to see if she was there. He came into the kitchen and gave the old "Tiff told me Jan went to the hospital but I thought she'd be back." Meanwhile, their phone was inaccessible because Bill sleeps with it turned on so he can listen in on any calls his wife may make. So I told Bill yes, they're at the hospital. I asked if he had the phone on all night and he said "Yes", so I chastised him for that. I then told him that he needs to get his ass over to the hospital because my wife, who's 7 months pregnant, had to take his wife to the ER at 2 in the morning and had now been there for 7 hours. So off he went at 9:45. My wife called me when he showed up--11:15. The hospital is 3 miles away.

Eventually Tiff called to tell me her mom was being released. Everyone came home, and knowing how tired they were I told Jan and Tiff to go nap. We needed a few things at the store, and when I noticed the signs that Bill was about to slip out for the day, I grabbed him to accompany me and my 2 1/2 year-old to the store. On the way, I told him that his wife always takes care of him (he's sick a lot), and that he was not going to spend the day effing around with his "buddies", and even if he couldn't do anything to help, he would make himself available in case I needed anything. Funny thing, Jan has this electric carving knife they got decades ago, it's all yellowed in the original tattered box. I was using it on the turkey and Bill came up and said "I've never seen THAT thing!"

Mark left a message on my phone while I was at the store. He stammered through an excuse about how he must have been in the shower when I called him. This message was 90 minutes after I called him. But he was "on his way" at 10:30, an hour's drive. At 1 pm Mark finally shows up, talking about his hair-raising drive in the rain. All I can think about is the photo of him passed out on the bed...He never once asks about their mom, who is finally asleep in her room. My pregnant wife, who has not slept, is helping me throw together the turkey dinner for the family, and he makes no offers to help. Instead, he launches into his usual litany of how it's all about him, talking loudly with no consideration for his sick mom in the next room. While getting his fat carcass in the way.

Tammy showed up with her kids 3 hours after the time she said she'd be there. She, too, never asked about her mom. Nor did she ever offer to help with the dinner preparation. And to make it worse, everyone is hanging around in the kitchen getting in the way while waiting to be fed. Finally, my wife snapped. It was awesome. She said things I never heard her say. Nobody had ever asked about Jan, nobody ever offered to help, nobody ever thanked us for finishing dinner. It resulted in arguably the most awkward family dinner yet, but the drive home later this evening left us confident that we didn't leave much on the table.

There is so much more, I might have to go blog on this family. You haven't met Jim, Holly or Wayne yet.

 

Yeah, this stuff just writes itself. Wife called her mom today to see how she's feeling, and nobody answered. Later in the afternoon she got through--Tammy had sent their mom to the movies with her 3 kids (15, 14 & 10) while Tammy stayed home to rest.