You bet your............................

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by darth550, Mar 22, 2004.

  1. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    In front of you
    Full Name:
    Mornin' Tone

    The elderly man entered the car agency together with his young wife.
    The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait
    upon them himself. He couldn't help staring at the lady, which, of
    course, the elderly man noticed.

    "May I propose a wager," he said. "If you can do everything to my wife
    that I can do and still end up the same way as I do, I will pay you
    double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!"

    "OK, agreed!" said the agency owner.

    The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss and the agency
    owner did the same. Then the man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed
    her breasts. So did the agency owner. After that, the husband opened
    his fly, pulled out his pecker and bent it in half.

    "What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner.


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  3. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Afternoon Dave,
    Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet. After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there, "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road.
    Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come... about 5:00."
    "Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"
    As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... There's gonna be some drinkin'."
    Years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops.
    "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too." Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
    Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll
    definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
  4. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ

    Aug 3, 2002
    Full Name:
    Carbon McCoy
    "Honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mummy near the phone?" "No, Daddy.
    She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
    After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
    "Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy right now."
    "Uh, Okay,'s what I want you to do. Put down the phone,
    run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle
    Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
    "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
    "And what happened?" he asks.
    "Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
    ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs
    and she's not moving any more.
    "Oh no...and what about Uncle Frank?"
    "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he
    jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.... but he must have
    forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the
    bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."

    **** long pause****

    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? . . . . . Is this 597-7039?"
  5. formula1joe

    formula1joe Formula Junior

    Nov 3, 2003
    Atlanta, GA
    Full Name:
    Joe Bennett
    I had half the office come in to my office because I was laughing so loud.
  6. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ

    Aug 3, 2002
    Full Name:
    Carbon McCoy
    Don't get fired, Joe... :)
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  8. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Scotty is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
    A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

    "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Scotty, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

    He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

    Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

    The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to enquire what was wrong.

    "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

    Being a nurse of long-standing, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama bottoms,moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled
    up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

    At this Scotty pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back?
  9. Forza1

    Forza1 Formula Junior

    Mar 20, 2004
    NNO, that was a good one! Here's one for you fellows:

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
    MAN: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    MAN: "Yes"
    WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$60,000"
    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
    MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
    Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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