Joke.

A California cosmetic surgeon is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes. They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."

 

A child's letter to God

Dear God,

Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, is it okay for me to whack my brother, Brad?

 

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says. "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies. "Head Cleaner," Mary replies.

 

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

 

An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home when the old man says, "I bet you can't guess how old I am." The old woman says, "Okay, unzip your pants." The old man unzips his pants and the woman sticks here hand in and plays with his noodle for a minute, pulls her hand out and says, "You're 89." The old man asks, "How did you know that?" The old woman says, "You told me yesterday!"

 

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. *It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's
look for yours."

 

LMAO

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter quickly reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was very impressed. 'Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?' he asked. The waiter replied,'Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our customers knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.' The man proceeded to finish his meal and went to pay the waiter. As he paid he commented 'Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?' The waiter replied, 'Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, go to the bathroom, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. It is very efficient!' 'Wait a minute,' queried the diner, 'how do you get your penis back in your pants?' 'Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.'

 

DAMN GOOD ONE

 

A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor, "I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!" Doctor Steve answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."

 

A guy from Alabama was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the guy complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. 'Have you been taking them regularly?' the doctor asked. 'What do you think I've been doing,' said the man, "shoving them up my ass?'

 

Question. What's the ultimate rejection?






Answer. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

 

Question. What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?








Answer. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob

 

Question: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?







Answer: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

 

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
This happened to me at Home Depot and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 25-year-old girls come over as you are loading what you bought in the bed of your truck.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having *** with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs **** *** on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.

 

i had my wallet stolen in tesco 2 weeks back....same gang executed style!

 

LMAO Brilliant.

 

And you have been back twice a day ever since

 

Dirty Johnny says to Loose Lisa, '' Lisa, I`d really like to get into your pants!'' She says, ''Why, John?'' He says, ''Because I just went in mine!!!''

 

Little Jenny comes home from playing at Dean's house. ''Hey Mum, guess what! Dean's got a penis like a peanut!'' Mum is understandably confused for a second, then questions, ''What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?'' ''No silly, it's salty!''

 

You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make them think.

 

Theory of Relativity: If you could fly twice the speed of light, you could land on Mars, get out of your spaceship and watch yourself come. Or, cheaper way, install mirrors on your bedroom ceiling.

 

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a godfather? An offer you can't understand.

 

A guy is bragging about his sexual conquests and comments, "you know, I reckon I've had every woman in this town, except for my mother and my sister." to which, one of his buddies replied, "hey, how 'bout that. Between the two of us, we've had 'em all."

 

Grandma & Grandpa are sitting on the porch, when all of a sudden Grandma slaps Grandpa. ''That's for 50 years of the worst sex I've ever had.'' They're both silent for ten minutes. Then Grandpa slaps Grandma. ''That's for knowin' the difference.''

 

Lady says to her doctor, 'My husband has been complaining that my vag*na has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything.' The doctor examines her vag*na, and then says, 'There's something terribly wrong. You need an operation.' She asks, 'On my vag*na?' He says, 'No. On your nose!'