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A little pre-nup Q and A.........

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by darth550, Mar 26, 2004.

  1. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
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    Jul 14, 2003
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    BCHC
    Q. What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a
    Playboy centerfold?
    A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

    Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
    but pressure. Is she right?
    A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

    Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
    A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

    Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
    is in labor?
    A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

    Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me
    in that delicate position?
    A. Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, oderlies,
    photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

    Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
    A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

    Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
    A. In your breasts.

    Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
    A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to
    breast feed.

    Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
    A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a
    saucepan.

    Q. What is the grasp reflex?
    A. The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.

    Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
    A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global
    chemical warfare.

    Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
    A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

    Q. What causes baby blues?
    A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

    Q. What is colic?
    A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

    Q. What are night terrors?
    A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant
    again.

    Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
    act normal again?
    A. When the kids are in college.

    Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers
    rather than briefs?
    A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
    anything at all.

    Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
    A. Have sex once a year.

    Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
    A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

    Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What
    if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
    A. Then the game's up.

    Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be
    beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
    A. Your therapist.

    Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
    A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

    Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
    A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

    Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes
    for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well.
    Is this true?
    A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

    Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet
    have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
    A. Yes, your bladder.

    Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at
    night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
    A. Depends on what you're doing with them.

    Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
    A. Cause you're fatter then they are.

    Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
    borderline irrational.
    A. So what's your question?

    Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
    A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

    Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on
    labor?
    A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

    _______________________

    DL
     
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  3. sherpa23

    sherpa23 F1 Veteran
    Silver Subscribed Owner

    May 28, 2003
    9,501
    Colorado
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    Bastuna


    As with all your jokes, Darth, those were great.

    Not to be nit picky but the joke above should read:

    " My blood type is A and my husband's blood is O..."

    Which, incidentally, I thought was one of the funniest in the bunch.
     
  4. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    Dec 23, 2002
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    S W London
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    Tony H
    Like it !
     
  5. smsmd

    smsmd Karting

    Nov 12, 2003
    150
    San Jose, California
    Full Name:
    Steven Scates MD
    The blood type issue has come up several times at work.

    I had a patient recently who wanted her son's blood after surgery. I said it did not match. She asked the type. Answer: "Your son is AB neg." She says "I am A neg." Husband hesitates and says "I am O pos." I was asked how that could be.

    Answer: "There are several possibilities. First, your son could be a spontaneous mutation from O to B. It may have happened once in history already, maybe not. Second, you may not be the father. Third, neither one of you may be the parent. Fourth, the typing may be wrong on any or all of you. All of the possibilities are not equally likely, however. You two will need to help me figure it out. In the meantime, please do not yell in the hospital." I then got out fast. The woman just shrugged and grinned at me.
     
  6. ryalex

    ryalex Two Time F1 World Champ
    Consultant Owner

    Aug 6, 2003
    22,313
    Las Vegas, NV
    Full Name:
    Ryan Alexander
    Yikes! Awkward moment of a lifetime!
     
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