Are being Married with Children and Happiness mutually exclusive ?

Well, at least I'll have breakfast TOMORROW!

DL

 

Dave, your over 1,000 now. Congratulations! Now Ill make you breakfast too

 

Things are really lookin up now!!

DL

 

william
i have a latino wife,hell you must be the smartest son of a ***** here,my mrs said she prefered to sleep this new years, after so much this year.so what did i do ,at 10 pm ,i drive back to my factory 50k and take my lovely t/r for a new year spin suddenly at 12.01 i get verbal abuse never to come home again.how depressed is this,kids, are the only way to keep your name leagal.without them its a man,s world.only if you have a south american experience,can you learn about life ,living the vida loca.
merry christmas to you
tom

 

Great thread.

Darth550....

Is your wife's name Adriana ? My wife is Adriana also....I married a Brasilian from Rio de Janeiro.

William H....

I met my wife while partying it up in Rio, and believe me I have never been happier. Smart, hot looking, succesful career women who DO NOT want kids are the only way to go !!! It took me a long time to find someone that I wanted to spend time with who did not want kids. You will find one when you are not looking for it, that's what happened to me.......and I can't complain.

 

Uh OH, My wife is from Sao Paulo! LOL! Actually, We are going to be spending next month between SP, Rio and Angra dos Reis.


DL

 

Darth550....

Pequinho mundo...neh !!!

I am in my apartment in Copacabana right now suffering thru a free dial up connection......NYE last night was awesome.....it's about 30 degrees here today. I go back to Calgary on January 16......too bad, I could buy you guys churrascu at Porcao and some caiparinhas !!!

Angra is great.....I especially love Parati.

 

I know.....I cant wait! I just got an email from my friend (there now) telling us about the party at the Santos Yacht club. I was in SP last year for NYE. WOW! Made the fireworks in NYC look like nursery school! Rio must have been amazing!

DL

 

SUnny- my eyes are tearing!! how sweet!! HAHA! just dont let her get in the way of your infamous "355" plan!!

 

NOW you're talking!!

DL

 

Ahh wonderful topic! I started the "Happily Married?" thread many months back.

William, I have been thinking about this same issue. I cannot say that many (if any?) of my friends are are wrapped up in marital+kids bliss either. Back in the "Happily Married" thread, there were many positive responses - although I have no idea how.

Try this little experiment (as I often do (read "lots of free time")): Think about how happy you are right now... sure there are times when you'd enjoy breakfast in the morning, or some companionship and its not there.. but you know you'll be out whoring the next night and everything will be okay... Now, take a drive through various neighborhoods (differing income levels, etc..) of 25 households in each of these neighborhoods, how many couples (w and wo kids) are experiencing the extreme bliss presented by some of these Fchatter's? Sure, you do not know them, but, really what are the chances, that a large percentage of these couples have found their soul mate? How many of them are enjoying themselves more than you are? Personally, I think it is very, very small.

Just get a dog.

 

William, getting married and having kids is a lot like buying a Ferrari. Neither decision is a rational by-the-numbers decision. To illustrate, compare buying a Ferrari for $240K to a Covette for $60K. There is no way you can rationialize that a new Ferrari is 4 times better than the Vette. It might be 50% better, or 100% better, or even 200%. Bottom line is that a new Ferrari is not 400% better than a new Vette.

Yet, we buy Ferraris and some us get married (26 years) and have kids (20 and 16). Even worse, having children is guaranteed to bring you heartaches and sleepless nights. So why do it? Why not remain a playboy of the Western world?

Because it is worth it. I have friends in their 50s who have elected to remain single. I know couples who are in their 60s and have elected not to have kids. I don't throw this in their face, but the truth is that you are not a whole person until you become a parent. Being a dad has helped me grow as a person more than any other thing in life that I have done. So yes, it is true -- the child is the father to the man.

My kids mean more to me than anything else in life. It is impossible to measure what my life would be without them. Yeah, we fight and bicker, but we also talk. It is truly a wonderful thing. My hope is that I do well enough to deserve this on my tombstone -- He was a good dad.

Good luck, Dale

 

William -- Excellent topic. It's so funny, as I was recently thinking exactly the same.

I am 35 and do well enough for myself, and in the 10 years attempted to get serious with quite a few women, and all have flaked out on me a various ways.

Anyway, ALL of my buddies age 32-40 who are married with children are just as you say, "miserable" in their various ways. And it is apparently true that "misery loves company" as many of my buddies want desperately for me to get married as well, so we can wallow in our misery together. A few other of my buddies (but not as many) enjoy the fact that I'm single and going through the various dating escapades that I do, for the mere fact that they enjoy "living vicariously" through me.

Now that I think about it, I do have one buddy who is 37 with wife and two kids that outwardly represents himself as happy, and puts up a pretty good case. However, his wife manages EVERYTHING in his life outside his job, and he seems content in having resigned to this fact, so that maybe is the key.

I personally have difficulty handing over the "reigns" of my life to any gal who is less than 100% completely in line with her thinking and general approach to life as I am. To date, I've not met a gal like this, though I came very close once, and very nearly married her, only to discover some deep-seated psychological problems as a result of the way she was raised that came out later in the relationship, and realized it was really a significant problem.

Anyway, interesting topic, and just know there's another of us out here who's had the same exact thoughts recently......

 

Its not about being married, it is about being married to the right one.

It will be 10 years for me this year (I am 32) 2 kids (3 & 5) and am very happy.

The key for me was not to forget why you got married. Enjoy the things that you liked when you were dating. you do not have to stop having fun now that you are married.

We both love the F-car, I taught her how to ride a motorcycle and bought her her own Harley, She is now learning how to dirt bike with me. We ski regularly, go out on our boat together. She is now learning how to fly a helicopter so that she can gice me a break when we are flying. and most fun of all is that we both love to travel (we are in London right now for New year)

But, all the fun things we do cannot compare to how good it feels when I walk in the door and the 2 little ones come running up to me yelling DAAADDY

Adam

 

adamr, so have you been married to the right person yet or gone through a few marriages? For some people, like you and I, happily single sure beats attached and miserable or even attached and happy. Life is much more simple. I've been single for most of my life because women were nothing but heartache and trouble. And I didn't have the will to go whoring around as many do. I met someone, accidently, who has all the makings of the right one.

However, as Adam and Dale have said, happiness is finding the right one for the right reasons. Half married couples get divorced, out of the remaining half, how many are happy as you infer?

Its worth working towards becoming one of that small elite married club that are.

Leonard, in time it will come. Right now I'm diverting too much of my funds towards rent in 2 places and helping parents out to do any serious saving. She almost earns as much as I do w/h her own money. Once I don't have to cover the place in Burbank for my unemployed roommate (he helps, should have a job soon) and help out the parents (my father just landed a new job and he'll be making more than me for the first time) things are looking up!!

Sunny

 

I lived the wild life while hanging out in Japan in the 90s, then got married (had to get a visa somehow) and hey, we're still married ten years later, have two kids and life is just fine. I still play guitar in a band, go surfing as much as possible, and of course mess around with Italian cars. Choose wisely and set things up well and you can still have a lot of fun even if you're married with kids (of course I was home last night instead of our partying but you can't win them all, ha!).


-Slim

 

"Most men lead lives of quiet DESperation and go to the grave with the song still in them."
- Hammerin' Hank Thoreau

 

Actually William that is part of the process, both of you change, sometimes in the same directions, sometimes not. It truly is a partnership.

Personally being married has never caused me any "quiet desperation." In fact, being married has allowed me to achieve more because I don't have to waste so much time chasing tail. I can instead focus more on doing what I want to do.

Granted you have to be mentally ready to get married and have a family. Getting married too soon can be a disaster. I have a few years on you and was lucky enough to be a hippy back in the day when sex was safe and motorcycles were dangerous. Ah yes, the stories that could be told...

So when you are ready, you'll know it. It may never happen or it might have already happened.

Good Luck, Dale

 

I'm happy that so many of you are in balanced, happy marriages where you respect each other's space and interests.

I really believe that you have accomplished something as rare as winning a lottery. If you've always been in good relationships, maybe you take it for granted and you don't know how lucky you are.

Call it what you will - sheer blind luck or Divine Intervention, but eventually meeting the right person is by no means guaranteed (how I wish that it were). You can join all the clubs you want and go on a blind date every week - you can't force compatibility/interest/love etc.. Some people were meant to be in good relationships and some weren't - who said life was fair?

I look at some of my married friends (mid-30s) and I don't even recognize them; it's like their personalities, individuality and interests have been "gutted". No way will I let that happen - but meeting a truly compatible woman is SO frickin' unlikely. I just can't buy into the "there's someone for everyone" argument anymore. I've become a cynical prick.

To you lucky guys - well done, and appreciate her and remember that you've beaten the odds.

Joe

P.S Dale - nice sentiments.

William - sooner or later, whoring gets really really old.

 

Lots of different thoughts and experiences, so I'll add in mine. Married 11 years with 2 kids (6 and 8) - and it's been great, we want for very little, and have very few low points so far. I'm convinced I'd have only a 1/4 of our success if she wasn't in my life. It's only because of her support we started up our own business and continue to expand, but it's not right for everyone, and especially not the kids stuff. I've lost track the number of times I've heard others say "we're having a kid to try and bring back our relationship", or "to prove our love for each other". Good god, it's like pouring fuel on a fire! Our kids certainly ground us, and bring us pain and happiness, and it's about more than happiness. but would never go back to my life as a single.

We do have our own space and activities, and are nowhere near the same people we were 14 years ago when we met, thank goodness for that. And she supports me in my ongoing quest for our first f-car.

Ironically, we only found each other when we both gave up looking for someone else and to enjoy life as it is.

It's not for everyone - also seen lots of close friends go down in flames, one within hours of the ceremony but that's another set of stories.

I also don't believe in being able to have everything - something has to give, and clear and simple priorities help for me. 1) family 2) work 3) toys. How'd that saying go - may you optimize happiness and profit. (not mine - originator unknown).

 

WILLIAM H

>No, I'm quite happy being an International Playboy

With your "good" looks and "charming" wit ...



>silicone

American high quality?



>I am active in the spiritual community

Aaaa, that explains almost everything





darth550

>a quality person (NOT American) with common sense and family values.


"NOT" - not exactly surprising is it.






JaguarXJ6

>We started out as friends because we had a scary amount in common.
>I knew that when we first met. After getting to know her for the last 6 months,
>she's the person I want to be with long term. We'll see where it goes, for now, its just
pure bliss.

Is she the girl whose photos you posted on FChat?
(think about it ... commodities are affordable, lovers are priceless.







WILLIAM H

>Are you happy ? Whats your secret to this puzzle ?

In most countries it isn't a secret ... and
the absence of it makes any individual and/or country extremely poor and miserable.


Rilke

"A good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be
guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust.
A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a
hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest
freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the
closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side
can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives
them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole before an immense sky."


One who does not understand how one can love
cannot understand how the absence of love can kill him




WILLIAM H

>My friend's complaints made me rethink the whole kid thing.
>Sheesh, Maybe Wacko Jacko wasnt so Wacko for contracting with a woman to give him a child ?
>
>Finding a sane, happy, sweet woman is hard enough, add in a kid & it becomes geometrically more difficult


Italo Calvino

"They knew each other. He knew her and so himself,
for in truth he had never known himself. And she knew him
and so herself, for although she had always known herself
she had never been able to recognize it until now."


Ironic isn't it.




Margery Williams

"what is real?" asked the rabbit one day. "does it mean having
things that buzz inside you and a stick out handle?"
"real isn't how you are made" said the skin horse.
"it's a thing that happens to you. when a child loves you for a
long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you
then you become REAL.
"does it hurt?" asked the rabbit.
"sometimes" said the skin horse for he was always truthful.
"... when you are REAL you do not mind being hurt"



Kahlil Gibran

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not
nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can
direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself. But if you love and most needs have desires,
let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.To be wounded by your own understanding of love; and to bleed willingly
and joyfully.To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of
loving.To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy. To return home at
eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your
heart and a song of praise upon your lips.


Andrei Tarkovsky

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086022/



-

 

One last story... In late 1976, I finally graduated from FSU (I was a 4th-year sophomore in anthropology when I changed my major to accounting.) and got a job working for the IRS in Houston, Texas. I was bummed big time. I loved Tallahassee. I hated Houston. I had to end a great relationship in Tallhassee because I didn't have any money and her family had way more than I did. I didn't know a soul in Houston.

I hit Houston in January with a plan. I was gonna work one year and then get the hell out of Dodge. I figured that working for the feds, I could transfer to just about anywhere, but here. I deliberately didn't make any significant friends. I was Mr. Short Timer.

By April, I was engaged.

That was 26 years ago this month.

Like the Dead sang, "What a long strange trip it has been."

Dale