Aussie joke thread

Discussion in 'Australia' started by stephens, Oct 17, 2005.

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  1. stephens

    stephens F1 Rookie
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    Feb 13, 2004
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    Stephen S
    Uro just bumped a similar thread in Rosso section that had me laughing, thought I'd share some here.

    This joke courtesy of Millemiglia

    A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
    English,nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine (e.g. "House"
    is feminine, "la maison"; "Pencil" is masculine, "le crayon").

    A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups
    -- male and female -- and asked them to decide for themselves whether
    "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to
    give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
    feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
    incomprehensible to everyone else;
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for immediate
    later retrieval; and
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
    your paycheck on accessories for it.

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine
    ("le computer"), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
    the problem; and
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
    little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


    The women won.
     
  2. stephens

    stephens F1 Rookie
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    Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole. The bartender yells at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... Whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
     
  3. stephens

    stephens F1 Rookie
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    Come on PP, I know you have plenty of them.
     
  4. wax

    wax Three Time F1 World Champ
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    Jul 20, 2003
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    With rare exception, one does not mention "kiwi" and "sport" in the same sentence.
     
  5. moretti

    moretti Three Time F1 World Champ
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    stop trying to be the head postwhore of the Aussies, I vote we ban you until we catch up :D

    or I get my posts from the old Fchat added to my current number.
     
  6. stephens

    stephens F1 Rookie
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    what's this "trying" business?? ;)
     
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  8. moretti

    moretti Three Time F1 World Champ
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    cheat

    there's another one :D
     
  9. FFOUR

    FFOUR F1 Veteran

    Sep 14, 2004
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    janglovac.com
    There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the guy and said, "Sure."

    So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the guy did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed.

    The guy said, "No really, I'm a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you'd like."

    So one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag and, sure enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it. He got all excited and said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The hit man replied, "Sure."

    So the guy looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next-door neighbor! And he's naked too!"

    This really upset the guy, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, "I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

    The guy responded, "One thousand dollars? Well, okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."

    The hit man agreed. He geared up and looked through the scope. He was looking for about five minutes until finally the man started to get really impatient and asked, "What are you waiting for?"

    The hitman replied, "Just hold on ... I think I can save you a thousand bucks...."
     
  10. moretti

    moretti Three Time F1 World Champ
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    could see that one "coming" :D
     
  11. FFOUR

    FFOUR F1 Veteran

    Sep 14, 2004
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    and I could see that response "coming" from someone too. :D
     
  12. maurice70

    maurice70 F1 Rookie

    Jan 25, 2004
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    maurice T
    Guy wakes up one morning and finds his testicles have turned blue.He goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him that it looks like a rare form of gangrene and that he has to chop them off.The guy freaks out but the doctor tells him that it might spread so it has to be done.He proceeds to chop tham off.Next morning the guy wakes only to find his penis is blue.He goes back to the doctor and the doctor tells him it looks like it had spread and he has to chop it off.The guy freaks out and asks the doctor how he is suposed to p1ss.The doctor tells him dont worry I'll put a tube and you can p1ss out of that.The guy wakes up the next morning and notices that the tube has gone blue.He races back to the doctor who looks a bit puzzled and tells the guy...maybe you better stop wearing those blue jeans:D
     
  13. judge4re

    judge4re F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2003
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    #12 judge4re, Oct 17, 2005
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
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  15. Kelsa

    Kelsa F1 Veteran

    Jul 25, 2005
    5,292
    Adult Toy Land
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    Crazy Chinaman
    in this remote village some dude forgot his wife's birthday, just before her wife about to stab him, he promised he'll do anything to make her happy. so the wife told him to do the following. buy her a cat for playing around, a donkey to carry her around town, and a rooster as an alarm clock. this is a very remote village, buying all these three things will take a long travel to another town, but he has no choice.

    he walked a few weeks to the town and ask to buy a cat, they said "we don't call it cat here, we call it "p@ssy". " man brought the cat.

    he then ask to buy a donkey, they said "we don't call it donkey here, we call it "ass". man brought the donkey

    then he ask to buy a rooster, they said, "we don't call it rooster here, we call it "cock", man brought the rooster.

    on the way home, the cat jumped off his arm and ran off. out of frustration of finding the cat, a stranger came pass. he stoped the stranger and said "would you please help me!"

    "yes of course" the stranger said,

    man replied " can you please sit on my ass, and hold my cock while i try to find myself another p@ssy?"
     
  16. stephens

    stephens F1 Rookie
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    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

    "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

    The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

    The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

    The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
     
  17. stephens

    stephens F1 Rookie
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    Feb 13, 2004
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    One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the
    clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there
    before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed
    into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying
    here on a cloud.
    She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
    Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued
    climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner,
    cuter woman than before.
    She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
    Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On
    another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so
    bad of a figure.
    She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"
    Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and
    sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed
    woman lying seductively on the cloud.
    "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.
    Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He
    climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the
    ladder ends, and a latch closes behind
    him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy
    with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
    Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"
    The biker answers, "I'm Cess."
     
  18. stephens

    stephens F1 Rookie
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    an oldie, but a goodie IMO:

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.


    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.


    The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
     
  19. maurice70

    maurice70 F1 Rookie

    Jan 25, 2004
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    maurice T
    A fat man was walking down the street when he see's a sign in a shopfront saying lose 35kg in 3 days guaranteed.The fat man walks in and asks how.The guy in the shop tells him he will lose 5kg the first day,10kg the second day and 20kg the third day.The fat man asks what do I have to do.The guy tells him to enter the room and strip naked.He enters the room only to find it pitch dark.He strips naked and all of a sudden the lights come on and there he finds a beautiful naked woman who tells him all you have to do is catch me and you can have sex with me.So the fat man starts running and about 5 hrs later he catches her and has sex with her.He weighs himself and sure enough he has lost 5kg.The next day he returns and again he enters the pitch black room and strips naked.The lights come on and this time there are 2 beautiful naked women.They tell him the same deal as yesterday catch us and you can have sex with us.After 8 hrs he finally catches them both and has sex with them.He weighs himself and to his surprise he has lost 10kg.He returns the next day and enters the pitch black room and strips naked.When the lights come on he finds this 6ft 4 muscular naked black guy with a 12" penis.The black guy looks at the fat guy and tells him to start running
     
  20. greg246

    greg246 F1 World Champ
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    Jun 2, 2004
    12,474
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    Greg
    Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve,
    Bruce and Bluey.

    Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

    As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone
    should go and tell his wife."

    Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

    Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

    Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

    "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

    "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and
    she gave you the beer?"

    "Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said
    to her,'You must be Steve's widow'.

    She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

    And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are."
     
  21. greg246

    greg246 F1 World Champ
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    Greg
    A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
    The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
    The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
     
  22. greg246

    greg246 F1 World Champ
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    Jun 2, 2004
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    Greg
    A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says. "You dirty git!" shouts the barmaid. "Get out before I get my husband!" The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

    "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off," he says. "You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred. Get out!!" she storms. Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "Okay, one more chance' says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"

    "I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your ***** with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup." The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.

    "What's the matter, love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off," she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" rages the husband.

    "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off," she yells. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, standing up and reaching for a baseball bat.

    "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my ***** with Guinness and then drink it all," she screams. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the television back on.

    "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look, love. I'm sorry, but I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness."
     
  23. greg246

    greg246 F1 World Champ
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    Greg
    A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

    So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!"

    The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he ripped off his clothes and started banging his dick on the dresser.

    His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
     
  24. greg246

    greg246 F1 World Champ
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    ok,that'll do me...
     
  25. stephens

    stephens F1 Rookie
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    A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their
    honeymoon.

    "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

    "Shh!" said the bride " All the neighbors will know what we're about to
    do.
    These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other
    in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing
    machine door open' instead?"

    So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the
    >washing machine door open, did you?"

    "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell
    asleep.

    When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and
    she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing
    machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

    "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by
    hand."
     
  26. stephens

    stephens F1 Rookie
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    Feb 13, 2004
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    Stephen S
    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
    Older Woman: Oh, I see.
    Officer: Can I see your license please?
    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
    Officer: Don't have one?
    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
    Older Woman: I can't do that.
    Officer: Why not?
    Older Woman: I stole this car.
    Officer: Stole it?
    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
    Officer: You what?
    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
    A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
    up the owner.
    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
     
  27. stephens

    stephens F1 Rookie
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    Feb 13, 2004
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    One for the girls.

    WHY MEN PEE STANDING UP

    God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over and couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them.

    He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

    "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

    Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have.

    Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"

    On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

    Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

    God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."

    "What's it called?" asked Eve.

    "Brains," said God
     

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