Aussie joke thread | Page 10 | FerrariChat

Aussie joke thread

Discussion in 'Australia' started by stephens, Oct 17, 2005.

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  1. Horse

    Horse Three Time F1 World Champ
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    Dec 1, 2005
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    Jon
    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade
    students. "Human beings are the only animals that
    stutter", she says.


    A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat
    who stuttered", she volunteered.


    The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
    stories could become, asked the girl to describe the
    incident.


    "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with
    my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got
    a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
    over the fence into our yard!
    "That must've been scary", said the teacher.


    "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty
    went Fffff, Fffff, Fffff.. and before he could say
    "f*ck," the Rottweiler ate him!"
     
  2. Horse

    Horse Three Time F1 World Champ
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    A Jamaican and his wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
    almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and
    they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
    but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
    When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
    $350.

    The Jamaican explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
    tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
    $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the Jamaican
    insists on speaking to the Manager.

    The Manager appears, listens to the Jamaican, and then explains that the
    hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were
    available for the Jamaican and wife to use.

    "But we didn't use them", the Jamaican complains.

    "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

    The Manager goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for
    which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
    and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

    "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the Jamaican again.

    "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.

    No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the Jamaican replies, "But we
    didn't use it!"

    The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the Jamaican gives up and agrees to
    pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised
    when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out
    for $100."

    "That's right," says the Jamaican. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my
    wife."

    "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

    "Well," the Jamaican replies, "she was here, and you could have."
     
  3. Horse

    Horse Three Time F1 World Champ
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    Jon
    Dear Abby,

    I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

    The usual signs… phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

    I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

    I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

    Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

    Thanks,

    Bob.
     
  4. Horse

    Horse Three Time F1 World Champ
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    A father walked into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

    A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the store reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

    Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches it in her free hand.

    Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar with out saying a word.

    As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

    "No", the woman replied. "A Divorce Attorney."
     
  5. PAP 348

    PAP 348 Ten Time F1 World Champ
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    Dec 10, 2005
    100,216
    Mount Isa, Australia
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    Pap
    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
    The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
    him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
    pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

    The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
    The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
    On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

    He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it’s definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb as promised.

    He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone “This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he
    finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:
    "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."
     
  6. Horse

    Horse Three Time F1 World Champ
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    Jon
    A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
    HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:

    "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

    The little white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

    In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

    The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch dick, my left testicle weighs
    3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

    The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, *"Turn around"!!!
     
  7. PAP 348

    PAP 348 Ten Time F1 World Champ
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    Dec 10, 2005
    100,216
    Mount Isa, Australia
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    Pap
    That was a good one. :):)
     
  8. Horse

    Horse Three Time F1 World Champ
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    Jon
    Why thank you papsickle. :D
     
  9. eurospec

    eurospec F1 Veteran

    May 29, 2005
    7,771
    Mt Isa. Australia
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    mohamad
    A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
    The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
    anyway!"
    Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up
    a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-café. We sneaked
    into a secluded room, I upgraded my floppy to a stiffy and then your Mum
    agreed to do a download from my hard drive.
    As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had
    used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
    months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said:
    "You've Got Male !"
     
  10. My Rotarys

    My Rotarys Karting

    Dec 5, 2006
    221
    Brisbane Australia
    Full Name:
    Sinisa
    I was siting by the river fishing having a joint than some dude walked past and said what are you doing do you know who I am? I said to him have a joint try it its good **** the dude said no do you know who I am? I said have some than tell me who you are? so the dude had a joint, than I asked him who are you? He said I am jesus and I said to him I told you its good ****...
     
  11. Horse

    Horse Three Time F1 World Champ
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    Jon
    A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
    other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on
    a transcontinental train.

    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
    were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk
    and she in the lower.

    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
    "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
    into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

    "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
    pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he
    exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own f*cking blanket."
    After a moment of silence, he farted.
     
  12. ferrarifixer

    ferrarifixer F1 Veteran
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    Jul 22, 2003
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    Phil Hughes
    a few one liners from the king of British comedy Tommy Cooper.... Christmas has never been the same since he died... live on stage in a TV show!!

    Some classics...

    Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start'

    So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

    Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

    He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

    And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

    So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

    So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

    So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.

    I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'. I said 'What for?' He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

    I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'. I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'. He said 'How can I help?'. I said 'Break my arms!'

    My wife had a go at me last night. She said 'You'll drive me to my grave'. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

    I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

    One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. 'Can't you ring your bell?' She said. 'I can ring my bell,' I said 'But I can't ride my bike'

    We were coming in to land, and it affects your ears, doesn't it? The Stewardess gave me chewing gum. I put it in my ear. Took two days to get it out. This little old lady was frightened. She looked at me, she said 'Do something religious'. So I took up a collection.

    I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

    A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: 'Would you please blow into this bag, Sir'. I said: 'What for, Officer?' He says: 'My chips are too hot'.

    I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: 'I'd like to follow you to the nearest Police Station'. I said 'What For?'. He
    said: 'I've forgotten the way'.

    So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Authur's Close'. He said, 'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

    A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos. So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

    And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'. I said 'Why not?'. He said 'We don't give him any'

    I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door. I said 'Is Jim in?'. She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow. 'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'. 'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

    I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. 'I'd like to stay here' 'Ok. Stay there'.

    I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'. I said 'I want a second opinion'. He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

    When I was in the scouts, the leader told me to pitch a tent. I couldn't find any pitch, so I used creosote.

    I went into this pub, and I ate a ploughman's lunch. He was livid.

    I got home from work and the wife said - I'm very sorry dear, but the cat's eaten your dinner'. I said 'Dont worry - I'll get you a new cat'.

    I went into this ice cream parlour and said 'I'd like a vanilla cone'. The assistant said 'Hundreds and thousands ?'. I said 'No - I'll just have the one'. He said 'knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

    I've always been unlucky. I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

    I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'. 'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

    Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

    My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

    I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

    'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

    I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

    'I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...'

    Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

    Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other one says 'so are you, you fat b*stard'

    A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls
    out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

    Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

    You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

    I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

    So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'' 'Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.''

    So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

    This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant. _
     
  13. ferrarifixer

    ferrarifixer F1 Veteran
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    Jul 22, 2003
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    Phil Hughes
    Why only women's letters to "Dear Abby" (agony aunt) are printed:

    Dear Abby,

    I've never written to you before, but I really need advice.

    I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
    The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

    My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, and when I ask
    their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
    them."

    I stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down
    the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, it seems she has gotten
    out of a car round the corner. Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?

    Deep down I probably don't want to know the truth, but last night when she
    went out I decided to really check on her. I parked my Ferrari next to the
    garage and then hid behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street
    when she came home.

    It was at that moment, crouching behind my Ferrari, that I noticed that one
    of the valve covers on the engine was leaking a little oil.

    Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?


    Thanks, Bob
     
  14. PAP 348

    PAP 348 Ten Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 10, 2005
    100,216
    Mount Isa, Australia
    Full Name:
    Pap
    A guy goes to the Council to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him "Have you been in the armed services? "Yes, I was in the Falklands for three years."
    The interviewer says "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes 100%...a land mine blew my testicles off." The interviewer tells the guy "OK. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8AM to 4PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10AM." The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8AM to 4PM then why do you want me to come in at 10AM?
    "This is a council job" the interviewer replies, "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that." :D:D
     
  15. waz356

    waz356 F1 Rookie

    Dec 5, 2005
    3,710
    Adelaide
    Full Name:
    warren
    One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
    hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then
    moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one
    girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.


    An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
    what they were doing.

    So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are
    putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole,
    only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

    The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed,

    "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally
    three-person team.


    But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
     
  16. Horse

    Horse Three Time F1 World Champ
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    Dec 1, 2005
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    Jon
    There are some very clever people out there with lots of time on their hands





    Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

    The winners are:
    1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
    2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
    3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
    4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
    5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
    6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
    7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
    8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
    9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
    10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
    11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
    12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
    13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
    14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
    15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
    16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts

    The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

    Here are this year's winners:
    1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
    2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
    3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
    4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
    5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
    6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
    7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
    8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
    9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
    10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
    11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
    12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
    13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
    14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
    15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

    And the pick of the literature:
    16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole
     
  17. Frenzo

    Frenzo Formula Junior
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    Aug 7, 2006
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    Brisbane Australia
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    Brenden Bonning
  18. moretti

    moretti Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Nov 1, 2003
    59,757
    Australia
    Full Name:
    John
    The Beer Prayer

    Our Lager
    Which art in barrels
    Hallowed be thy drink

    Thy will be drunk
    At home as in the Tavern

    Give us this day our foamy head
    And forgive us our spillages
    As we forgive those that spill against us

    And lead us not into incarceration
    But deliver us from hangovers

    For thy is the beer
    The bitter and the lager
    For ever and ever

    Barmen
     
  19. jmillard308

    jmillard308 F1 Veteran
    Owner

    May 29, 2003
    6,680
    Perth West Oz
    Full Name:
    John Millard
    New Words for 2007


    * SALAD DODGER.
    An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

    * SWAMP-DONKEY
    A deeply unattractive person.

    * TESTICULATING.
    Waving your arms around and talking crap.

    * BLAMESTORMING.
    Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
    Project failed, and who was responsible.

    * SEAGULL MANAGER.
    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr@ps on everything, and
    Then leaves.

    * ASSMOSIS.

    The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
    sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.


    * SALMON DAY.
    The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
    screwed and die.


    * CUBE FARM.
    An office filled with cubicles.


    * PRAIRIE DOGGING.
    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
    people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also
    applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)


    * SITCOMs.
    Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
    into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
    with the kids or start a "home business".


    * SINBAD.
    Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.


    * AEROPLANE BLONDE.
    One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.


    * PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
    The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
    to work again.


    * ADMINISPHERE.
    The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
    file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
    inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
    solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
    paperwork and processes.

    * GOING FOR A McSH!T.
    Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,
    you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,
    your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known
    as a Mc**** with Lies.

    * 404.
    Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
    Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

    * AUSSIE KISS.
    Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

    * OH - NO SECOND.
    That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
    Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').


    * GREYHOUND
    A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.


    * JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
    A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
    works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
    displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
    their level of training.


    * MILLENNIUM DOMES.
    The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
    The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.


    * MONKEY BATH.
    A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
    Aa! Aa! Aa!".


    * MYSTERY BUS.
    The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
    Toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
    the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.


    * MYSTERY TAXI.
    The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
    up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
    bed instead.

    * BEER COAT.
    The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
    At 3:00am.


    * BEER COMPASS.
    The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
    cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
    you got here, and where you've come from.


    * BREAKING THE SEAL.
    Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
    breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
    required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

    * TART FUEL.
    Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

    * PICASSO BUM.
    A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
    Got 4 buttocks.
     
  20. beama

    beama F1 Rookie

    Oct 27, 2005
    3,619
    Australia
    Full Name:
    Steve. G.
    #245 beama, Jan 22, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
  21. ferrarifixer

    ferrarifixer F1 Veteran
    BANNED

    Jul 22, 2003
    8,520
    Melbourne
    Full Name:
    Phil Hughes
    THE ENGLISH CRICKET TEAM.
     
  22. jmillard308

    jmillard308 F1 Veteran
    Owner

    May 29, 2003
    6,680
    Perth West Oz
    Full Name:
    John Millard
    #247 jmillard308, Jan 29, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
    The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her
    husband:
    'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'

    Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.
    And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully bought............................

    Apparently he is dead now ...may he rest in peace..........
    Image Unavailable, Please Login
     
  23. Horse

    Horse Three Time F1 World Champ
    Owner Silver Subscribed

    Dec 1, 2005
    35,416
    Brisvegas
    Full Name:
    Jon
    A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the

    midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.


    "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.


    "O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.


    "No, no boyfriend either."


    "Do you have a partner then?"


    "No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."



    After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a

    healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that

    the baby is BLACK."



    "Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and

    nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was

    BLACK."



    "Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that?s really none of my business

    and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must

    also tell you that the baby has BLONDE hair."



    "Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see, the co-star in the movie was

    this SWEDISH guy."



    "Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that`s really none of my business

    either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has SLANTED EYES."



    "Yes," continues the girl, "there was also a little CHINESE man in the

    movie, I really had no choice."



    At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her

    to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.


    The baby starts CRYING and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"


    "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.


    "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling

    that she was going to BARK."
     
  24. [355]

    [355] F1 Veteran

    Apr 10, 2006
    8,482
    Spacious tent
    Full Name:
    Harold Faltermeyer
    Haha very nice :)
     
  25. waz356

    waz356 F1 Rookie

    Dec 5, 2005
    3,710
    Adelaide
    Full Name:
    warren
    #250 waz356, Jan 30, 2007
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017

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