Aussie joke thread

I have used Prahan Air many times on various systems and installations. Never had a single issue.

Slandering someones business without justification is definitely NOT cool.

 

I knew having you on the payroll would pay off one day

 

Fixed

 

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them . He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls. To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table . . . Whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball . "
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left .

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him . He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it .
Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it . The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to **** out that cue ball, he measures everything first .

 

LOL.....
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

A Swedish golfer has used a tee to extract venom from her leg after being bitten by a redback spider during a tournament in Canberra.

The Swedish Golf Federation reported on their website how 24-year-old Daniela Holmqvist saw a redback spider on her lower leg and then felt a sharp pain above her left ankle.

Seeing her leg swell up, Holmqvist did not seek medical attention but instead grabbed a golf tee from her bag, pierced her skin and squeezed out as much venom as possible.

"A clear fluid came out," she said. "It wasn't the prettiest thing I've ever done but I had to get as much of it out of me as possible."

The Swedish federation added that, after the incident took place at the fourth hole, an unfazed Holmqvist went on to finish her round with medics monitoring her progress.

She finished the qualifying event for the ISPS Handa Australian Open in Canberra with a round of 74, just two shots shy of qualification.

According to the University of Melbourne, 250 people are treated for redback bites each year but no deaths have been reported since the discovery of an antidote in 1955.

 

Needs a better punchline.


via rubber ducky

 

IYO

 

I had a recent run in with someone named "Boxer"...but it wasn't one of these.
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

Someone(not Klink,don't link)will have to up the piece on news.com.au re..um flatulence on aeroplanes..
and particularly in the cockpit.

 

PP what's funny about this? The poor woman had a terrible life and was abused even after death... You did very well in the birth lottery; how about a little graciousness for those who lost?

 

You're calling me good looking? Thanks.

 

This is a bit true, actually.
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

Yep, the whole world is laughing at you

 

Is that you, he who can't be mentioned?

 

e-x-t-e-r-m-i-n-a-t-e

e-x-t-e-r-m-i-n-a-t-e

e-x-t-e-r-m-i-n-a-t-e
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

Youm or Whom?

 

She's been drinking again

 

Ah Queensland has the best to offer
Image Unavailable, Please Login

 

Are you still in Syd?

 

Not sure if its been posted:

An 18 year old girl tells her mum she has missed her period the last two months, the mum very nervous goes to buy a pregnancy test. Her daughter took the test and tested positive. The mum very distraught screaming and cursing asked who is the pig that did this to you. The girl made a phone call to a man.

30 minutes later a distinguished mature man with grey hair turns up outside the house in a ferrari. He steps out in a brand new Armani suit and sits in the lounge room with the mum the dad and the girl.

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I cannot marry her because of my personal family position, however I will support your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally if a girl is born, I will bequeath a beach house, two retail stores, a ferrari, a townhouse and a 2,000,000$ bank account.
If a boy is born my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 4,000,000$ bank account. If twins they will both receive a factory each and each a 2,000,000$ bank account.
However if there is a miscarriage what should I do?"

At this point the father who has remaind silent the entire time placed his hand on the mans shoulder and tells him
"You **** her again"

 

That joke is older than you are.

 

Well I'll be damned

 

http://hadonejob.com/

 

back home, should have stayed, pouring up here now