The Colonoscopy All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss . The Moral of the story? The ass hole is usually in charge!
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day Marilyn and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So Marilyn called him a s***head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care, because we came into town by bus.
> The Bathtub Test > > > > It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to > > time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental > > asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was, which > > defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. > > > > "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we > > offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or > > her to empty the bathtub." > > > > "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would > > use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? > > > > "No." said the Director. The teaspoon, teacup and bucket are > > indicators which define the level of insanity. A normal person would > > pull the plug. > > > Do you want a bed near the window?" > > > > > > > > > DID YOU PASS? OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?I' ll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to SeaWorld
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself." She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. Funeral on Friday at Noon.
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie bloke said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" . . . . . . "$124,237" The manager choked and exclaimed "$124,237?? What the hell did you sell him?" Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki". The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "No, no, no, . . . . . . he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said . . . . . . 'Well, since your weekend's f**ked up, you might as well go fishing."
>>>>An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in >>>>Sydney. >>>>The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. >>>> >>>>"But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. >>>>In Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. >>>>The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when >>>>you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." >>>> >>>>Well." said the Englishman "At my local, The Lion, the barman there will >>>>buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." >>>> >>>>"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's >>>>Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a >>>>drink, then another, all the drinks you like. >>>>Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that >>>>you get laid. >>>>All on the house." >>>> >>>>The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's >>>>claims. >>>>He swears every word is true. >>>>"Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?" >>>> >>>>"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my >>>>sister."
An aboriginal walks into the local Centrelink office in Broome, marches straight up to the counter and mumbles, "'ey, you falla....don' wanna be on dole.I wanna job." The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent.We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.The starting salary is $60,000 a year." The aboriginal bloke says, "You're bull****ting me! . . . . . . . . . The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah well, you started it."
Where I yam: Jun 13, 2007 - 06:56 PM EDT / 2007.06.13 2256 UTC Wind: from the S (170 degrees) at 9 MPH (8 KT):0 Visibility: 10 mile(s):0 Sky conditions: clear Temperature: 107.1 F (41.7 C) Dew Point: 30.9 F (-0.6 C) Relative Humidity: 7% Pressure (altimeter): 29.79 in. Hg (1008 hPa)
Choosing a wife A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much Again, the man is impressed. The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because s he loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.
