Courtesy of Craig Fergusoon. The third best joke ever (the first two are in Cantonese) Two Scotsman are playing golf. There's money on the line. They're tied going into the eighteenth hole. If the last putt is sunk our hero wins the hole, the round and the bet. As he lines up the putt and is ready to hit the ball a funeral cortège passes along the road that runs by the course. Seeing this he doffs his cap and bends his head in respect only taking and sinking the putt once it's passed. The loser congratulates him on winning the round and comments on the great display of respect at such a crucial moment. Our hero replies "Well she was a fine wife for almost forty years".
A girl brings her boy friend home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father, a business tycoon, to find out about the young man. He invites the boy to his study for green tea. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the boy. "I am an religious scholar and want to marry your daughter" he replies. "A scholar," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the boy. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the boy insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. 'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'. The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing. Five minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Fred replied. She ran out of the room.
A guy from Albury checks into his Sydney hotel on a business trip and, feeling a bit lonely, he thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths. He looked in a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Monique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the heck, give her a call. 'Hello,' the woman says......... God, she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?' She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line
"You must enter a password to proceed." -roses "Sorry, too few characters." -pretty roses "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." -1 pretty rose "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." -1prettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." -1****ingprettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character." -1****INGprettyrose "Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively." -1****ingPrettyRose "Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters." - 1****ingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRight****ingNow! "Sorry, you cannot use punctuation marks." -1****ingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRight****ingNow "Sorry, that password is already taken."
If the version of tapatalk you're using has the option to upload photos to the forum, that's what you need to do. Otherwise, all we see is a link unless we're using tapatalk too.
