Aussie joke thread

Sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, but this one truly is amazing.







In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

Ciao

M
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Lol!! Cool!!

 

x5

 

Are you saying Kerry Packer, Donald Trump and some of the richest men on earth are ***..s??

****, which button do i press to "turn"??

 

a certain US media mogul is.

 

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth ?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says. The owner is getting fed up but again picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth.' He says, "Now...can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep inside the horses fanny. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?"

 

an oldie but a goodie

 

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother.



"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"



Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"



Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"



Sally replied, "No...salty!"

 

Great quote from probable Tory canditate for Mayor of London, Boris Johnson (www.backboris.com): when testing a Ferrari he felt that "the whole countryside of Hampshire was lying back and opening her well-bred legs to be ravished by the Italian stallion."

 

No words needed!

Ciao

M
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Nuff said!

Ciao

M
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1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

*fixed*

 

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. "Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice They go home and hire ,the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

 

I am a NoBODY

NOBODY is PERFECT

Therefore - I am PERFECT

 

GOLD!

 

An old coupe are to celebrate their 70 year long marriage in a few weeks, the whole town is going to celebrate for them in style.

Local news reporter went to the elderly couple’s home and wanted to document the secret in long lasting love and marriages, hope that the couple could enlighten the world.

the husband then told the story.

"
We were on our honeymoon in the desert, and it started off great, but then we got lost.

while we were trying to find our way home, the horse my wife was riding on started to wonder around by himself and not listening to what my wife was telling it to go. She then said "One". The horse then stopped, stomp on its feet in protest. my wife then said "two", the horse stomp on its feat again in protest. My wife then said "three", before the horse could stomp again, she pulled out her 9mm and shot the poor horse 5 times in the head.

I jumped off mine and start shouting, WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!!! ARE YOU CRAZY??!!!

She then said "One"

"What did you say Woman????"

She then said "two"

Then we lived happily ever after...

 

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour
Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap
into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on
the edge of the bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said
"Look, you have so much to live for, I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like,
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.''

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her
shoulder and added: ``I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.''

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to
lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new
meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid
her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three
sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she
was discovered by the captain.

``What are you doing here?'' the captain asked.

``I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away,'' she explained.

``I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

``He certainly is,'' the captain said. ``This is the Manly ferry.''

Ciao

M

 

Economic Models explained with cows







SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.





COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.





FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.





NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.





BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...





TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.





SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons





AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.





ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.





THE ANDERSEN MODEL

You have two cows.

You shred them.





A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.





A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.





A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.





AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.





A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.





A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.





A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.





AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.





A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.





AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

You tell them that you have none.

No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy....





A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive.





AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

 

A Husband and Wife were sharing a very romantic interlude by candlelight,
with a superb bottle of wine, a beautiful meal and romantic music;
when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will
make me happy and sad at the same time."
The Husband thought for a few moments and then said,
"You're a better root than your sister!"

 

I'm a poet and didn't know it.....


WOMAN'S POEM



Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end,

And always be my very best friend.





MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs

who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh/t.

 

I likey (very true as well)

 

This Is Honestly the worst thread on the internet for me to have found, ever, so many funny jokes, i cant stop reading, im not getting any exam prep done, wish me luck tomorrow

 

A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the meal, his
mother couldn't help but notice how attractive Paul's flatmate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only
made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Jenny & I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Jenny came to Paul saying, "Ever since your Mother came
to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she
took it do you?"



"Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul. So he sat
down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT
SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT, IT
HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL



Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH JENNY, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU
"DO NOT" SLEEP WITH JENNY, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF SHE WAS SLEEPING IN
HER OWN BED, SHE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM


Ciao

M