Aussie joke thread

Paddy English, Paddy Scottish and Paddy Irish are all working on a construction site. At lunchtime they all sit round and open their lunchboxes.

Paddy English finds a jam sandwich. "If that woman makes me a jam sandwich one more time I swear I will jump off this building" he says. The next day he finds a jam sandwich and throws himself off the edge killing himself.

Paddy Scottish opens his to find a salad sandwich. "I told her not to make me salad sandwiches, I'm going to jump if I find another salad sandwich tomorrow" he said. Sure enough he finds a salad sandwich the next day and jumps.

Paddy Irish opens his lunchbox and finds a ham sandwich. "If I get another ham sandwich I'm going to jump aswell" he says. The next day he finds one and he too throws himself off the building.

At their funeral their wives are sobbing. "If only he had told me he didn't want jam sandwiches" cried Paddy English's wife. "I never knew he didn't want salad sandwiches" sobbed Paddy Scottish's wife.

Paddy Irish's wife on the other hand said. "I don't know why Paddy jumped. He's been making his own sandwiches for the last 12 years."

 

This is an announcement to all Australians durex regrets to inform you that your birth was an accident, please report to your nearest hospital to be terminated, we apologise for any inconvenence caused

 

A Jamaican tourist was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an Australian , chewing gum, sat next to him.
The Jamaican politely ignored the Australian, who, never the less started up a conversation. The Australian snapped his gum and said, "You Jamaican folks eat the whole bread?"
The Jamaican frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."
The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don’t. In Australia, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect, recycle them, and transform them into croissants and sell them to Jamaica."
The Australian had a smirk on his face. The Jamaican listened in silence. The Australian persisted. "D’ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing the Jamaican replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Australian said, "We don’t. In Australia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell them to Jamaica."
The Jamaican then asked, "Do you have sex in Australia?"
The Australian smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Jamaican leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?"
" We throw them away, of course." says the Australian.
Now it was the Jamaican’s turn to smile. "We don’t. In Jamaica, we recycle them, we put them in a container, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Australia. Why do you think it’s called Wrigleys?

 

How do you know , when a New Zealanders , been near your fridge.
"there's love bites on the leg of lamb"

 

Seen on the side of a bus stop in Auckland, New Zealand - "Australia SUX!!!" And written below in another handwriting - "New Zealand nil"

 

Two ladies at the local community hall. One asks, did you come on the bus?
The other replies yes, but I pretended it was an asthma attack.


Teacher asks the kids which part of a woman's body goes to heaven first.
Most kids haven't a clue. Little Lucy says "the legs Miss Jones".
Teacher asks Lucy how she knows that. Lucy says "I saw mummy with her legs up in the air while dad was on top of her and she was screaming really loud " God I'm coming"

 

very similar to some graffiti I saw on a wall in London back in 89 whileriding the Tube :

Thatcher out LBW Alderman

 

On the tiolet wall of the Scott Theatre here in Adelaide a few years ago:
"the wages of SIN are Death!"
and below:
"but the hours are good"

 

My favourite graffiti -

"My mother made me a homosexual"

Underneath

"If I gave her the wool, would she make me one too?"


Obviously this was seen in Victoria

 

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullsh*ttin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

 

another . .

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone.""No more headaches?" the
husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a
hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and
repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a
headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see
if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed
and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror
and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"


His funeral services will be held on Monday.

 

last one today . . .

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.

"You know I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies.

I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!

We made love all night, all over the house.

We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head..."

 

ooooo....... that's just wrong...........

 

A couple had been debating buying a "fun" car for weeks.

She wanted a Ferrari Enzo so she could pass anything in the city.

He wanted a classic 246 Dino, but she seemed set on the million dollar supercar.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"

He did just that.

For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

He is expected to recover....

 

If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in your life, these gift
suggestions should be considered.

1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to
change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often
overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change
your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25

2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to
find. 4oz bottle. $12

3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24

4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal
or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium Filaments,
made
in the USA! $1 each.

5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's
not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50

6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific
application. From $9.99

7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50!
$14.99

8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!) From $2.99

9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special
order. $14.99

10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95

11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99

12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59

13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!)
$40.24

14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95

15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99

16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road obstacles). Sold by
the lb-ft/sec $0.50

17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck begins to run
poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), its computer (ecm, ecu,
black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product will safely remove the virus. $199

18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in
your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the
auto companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per square ft.

 

Corporate Lesson 1
>>> > A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
>>> > shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
>>> > towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob,
>>> > the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give
>>> > you $800 to drop that towel."
>>> > After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
>>> > naked
>>> > in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and
>>> > leaves.
>>> > The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
>>> > gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
>>> > "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
>>> > "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
>>> > me?"
>>> > Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
>>> > credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
>>> > position
>>> > to prevent avoidable exposure.
>>> > _____
>>> > Corporate Lesson 2
>>> > A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
>>> > forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.
>>> > After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The
>>> > nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
>>> > The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
>>> > slide
>>> > up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm
>>> > 129?"
>>> >
>>> > The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
>>> > Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
>>> > On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
>>> > It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
>>> > Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
>>> > might
>>> > miss a great opportunity.
>>> > _____
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > Corporate Lesson 3
>>> > A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
>>> > lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
>>> > comes
>>> > out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
>>> > "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. Clerk, "I want to be in the
>>> > Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
>>> > Poof! She's gone.
>>> > "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep, "I want to be in Hawaii,
>>> > relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
>>> > Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
>>> > Poof! He's gone.
>>> > "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
>>> > The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
>>> > Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
>>> > _____
>>> > Corporate Lesson 4
>>> > A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
>>> > the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the
>>> > energy."
>>> >
>>> > "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.
>>> > "They're packed with nutrients."
>>> > The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough
>>> > strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
>>> > The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
>>> > branch.
>>> >
>>> > Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top
>>> > of
>>> > the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
>>> > the tree.
>>> > Moral of the story: Bulll**** might get you to the top, but it won't
>>> > keep you there.

 

After days in the wilderness Paddy and Mick stumble into a bar

In the Wild West and ask for two beers. Unfortunately they've got no

money and the barman won't give them credit.

Just then a bloke walks in with a Red Indian's head under his

Arm The barman shakes his head and says, " I hate Indians. LastWeek the
b*stards burnt my barn to the ground, raped my wife and killed

my

children. If any man brings me the head of a Red Indian I will give them

1,000 dollars."

The two Irishmen look at each other and then go off to find a Red Indian.
Later that day they see one, and Mick throws a stone which

hits the Red Indian on the head.

The Indian falls off his horse but lands 70ft down a ravine.

Paddy and Mick dash down into the ravine where Paddy starts

Sawing the Indian's head off.

Suddenly Mick says, " Paddy look at this...." Paddy says, " in a minute"

"No, look at this...., " says Mick. "No, can't ya see I'm fookin busy....."Mick

grabs hold of him and Paddy looks up and sees 5,000 Indians standing at the

top of the ravine.

"Fook me," says Paddy, "we're gonna be millionaires."

 

I'm not Australian, but I have a decent joke.

So there's this guy named Dean who owns a motorbike, but every time it rains and the bike happens to be outside, he has to stop and seal the oil cap with vasoline so no water gets inside because the cap leaks.

Well one day Dean rides his bike over to his girlfriend's house, and as he gets off she greets him with a kiss, but stops him short just as he's about to enter the house. She says: "Whatever you do, don't talk during dinner, because the next person who talks during dinner has to do the dishes." When Dean gets into the house he sees the dishes practically stacked to the ceiling, so vows to go along with it.

Dinner rolls around, and everyone is dead silent. Dean wonders how far he can take this, and he stands up, puts down his napkin, unzips his pants, and walks over to his girlfriend and bends her over the table. He tears her jeans down to her knees, and just lays into her. No one says a word. Mom and dad just sit there staring -- albeit a casual glance or two in the direction of the sink.

Dean finishes up, wips his hands, and sits back down. A few minutes pass, and at this point only Dean is eating. Suddenly he gets back up, throws all the plates off the table, grabs his girlfriend's mother and screws her on the table right there in front of pops. No one says a word. Again, Dean finishes up and sits back down. As he's reclining in his dinner table chair, he leans back and sees rain start to come down outside. He groans and reaches in his pocket for his can of vasoline, pulls it out and stands up and the dad finally screams: "Alright alright I'll do the dishes!"

 

Question: How do you tell the difference between a NSW, QLD or VIC Police Officer?

Answer: Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?---------

NSW Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or Oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 0-0-0?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour.
If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case. Does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?.------------------------

QUEENSLAND Officer Answer: BANG! -----------------------------------------

VICTORIAN Officer Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click....(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

 

you also forgot to add for the Qld copper :

do I have to answer to the black deaths in custody ??

 

Worlds shortest fairy tale....

A man asks a woman to marry him.

The woman says "no".

And so the man lives happily ever after.....

 

women are like a deck of cards. . . . you need:

a heart to love her

a diamond to marry her

a club to smash her f#*!ing head in, and

a spade to bury the b*tch!!!

 

now THAT I thought was funny

...and a joker to tell the police what happened

 

.......if anyone wants to hear it?