Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!
Bottle of Wine A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling.... about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days'. Flattered, the man re plies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive. The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police.....' MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil *****es.
A Kiwi and Ozzie were stranded in the outback and after many days of no water/food etc they stumbled on a fence. After a while and nearly dead they eventually came to a gate and in the gate was a sheep with its head stuck in the railing. 'Do you mind' said the Ozzie, 'it looks kinda appealing and it may be my last'. 'Go ahead' said the Kiwi and looked away Zipping up his pants the Ozzie guy says 'do you want a go?' 'Don't mind if I do' said the Kiwi and stuck his head in the gate
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS 40-ish - 49 Adventurous - Slept with everyone Athletic - No tits Average looking - Ugly Beautiful - Pathological liar Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills Emotionally secure - On medication Feminist - Fat Free spirit - Junkie Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person Fun - Annoying New Age - Body hair in the wrong places Open-minded - Desperate Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing Passionate - Sloppy drunk Professional - ***** Voluptuous - Very Fat Large frame - Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate - Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need = I want 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = you're in trouble 7. Sure, go ahead = you better not 8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later 9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay And finally..... A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?' he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?' 'Yes, I remember' says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... 'Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... I would have gotten out today.
So I haven't read every post in this thread. Especially not from a year ago. Mr.Nitpicker is alive and well.
An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra "Can I have 6 tablets,cut in quarters?" "I can cut them for you" said the chemist "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection". "I am 96 " said the old man. "I dont want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers".
A blonde walks into a chemists and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have. Unphased, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more. 'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.' 'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde. 'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist. 'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.' She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant'. Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container . 'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'
"A Man's best friend" A Dog is truly man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this little experiment: Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for about an hour..... When you open the boot; who is really happy to see you!?
my good friend borat would say, i put my dog and my wife in the cage, and i have a sexy time with both HY5!
