The Australian Tax Office has returned the Tax Return to a man in Townsville after he answered one of the questions. In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?" The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of 'retired politicians' and an entire group that call themselves 'Senators'. The ATO stated that the response he gave was "unacceptable". The man's response back to ATO was, "Who did I leave out?"
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" “My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also.” A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?" The Italian man replied, "Get in the line."
Two guys are out on the golf course. After a few holes they are stuck behind two ladies that are playing VERY slow, standing about talking between the shots. After another few holes they are fed up. One of the guys volunteers run up to the red tee and tell them to speed up. He returns a bit flusterd... -This is awkward... it is my wife and my mistress.... Can you talk to them? The other guy turns back half way there -Man.... it's a small world.....
The 5th parrot - . Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch. Jan arrives first wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gris with three glasses. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal . Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy . Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Paul. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park. Paul can stand five parrots side by side, on his erect p#nis. Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot, Jan breaks down and blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old people's home in Peckham. They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent. Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
I wrote this to someone on SMS today.... Gave me a giggle. Not about anyone in particular, but fkn funny....... "I see her and her car as the same level.... Dirty and in desperate need of servicing"
A horse walks into a bar and says, "On a right angled triangle with sides X, Y, and Z, if X an Z are perpendicular, which side is opposite the right angle?" And the barman says, "Y, the long face."
