Aussie joke thread

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you.

I haven't been getting it at home recently, but I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apologies, and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Alan.

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Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed he grabbed his gun...and shot his neighbour dead.


He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa.


He took out his phone where he saw a second message from his neighbour, Alan:

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Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.

Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expected that you figured it out anyway, and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife." That's today's technology for you, hey!

Regards, Alan

 

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.” The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked. The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

 

A young man moved into a new Melbourne apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, you remember when you said you heard someone coming?”
“Yes. I remember ?”
“Well, that was me.“

 

LOL.

A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe me, just try this experiment.
Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?

 

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?”
The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!”
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He’s absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.” Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered. The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!”
Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door.
10 minutes later…no centipede.
20 minutes later… no centipede.
30 minutes later… no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes.
45 minutes later… still no centipede!
He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? So he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter?!”
The centipede says, “I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just puttin’ on my shoes!”

 

A car was driving down a road when all of a sudden it started swerving.
The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police.
A police officer pulled the car over.
A blonde rolls down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!"
The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

 

G'donya Rolf,or anyone else you think is a secondhand citizen.....

I know some blonde's that have pistols hanging from their mirror's.....mind you,I do live in Kattercountry.....

 

Lol

https://www.facebook.com/ltomei1/posts/10155307500261824

 

Two Cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks ‘Does this taste funny to you?’......


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LOL.

One day Little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard.
The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Little Johnny, what are you up to?" he asked.
"My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him," Little Johnny replied.
"That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" asked the neighbor.
"That's because he's inside your cat." replied Little Johnny.

 

Fun with snakes

https://www.facebook.com/tleew777/posts/10155827368555470

 

Reading the posters' comments really shows what a nanny world some folk live in.

If anything it's the snake's that are more in harms way than anyone/thing else.

I had one of my Landcruisers in for a service a few years ago.
The mechanic,a big bloke like meself, lived on a 2 acre property bounded by a Nat Park.
He rung me and said I'd better get over to the workshop.
There was a carpet/python snake wrapped around the trans housing.
He wouldn't get near it so between his apprentice and meself,me on top of the engine,him underneath,car on the hoist ,he was able to release the tail,hand it to me and I pulled like buggery until the snake released itself,slide my hands down to the snakes head and take it over to the mech.
He backed away quicker than a reversing Italian tank......jeeez it was funny,snake was about 2 metres long and I released it into the scrub behind his workshop.

Had to do a similar thing at beer o'clock about a year ago.

 

those snakes control the rat population, who would otherwise eat half the rice crop.

 

Eggzackery,I nearly took the beer o'clock one home to put in the roof but was unsure if there were any outlets for it to go outside if it wanted to.

 

Shoot the snakes and the rats, then burn the rice crop so it never happens again. That’s what I’d do.......


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Is that why Albania is such a big rice exporter?

 

Snake skins and rat skin caps


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LOL.

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Another Crab, Klink????

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1056064964535711

 

I wonder if it's got Chinese tyres, too?

 

Drifting?

 

Are Australian tracksuit pants better or worse than imported tracksuit pants?

 

they're better if you don't wash them

 

Brilliant in its simplicity.....

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C. In three generations, there will be no Greens.

Such an unfair world:-
When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

Wife to husband: You told me you'd spend your whole life trying to make me happy.
Husband to wife: I didn't expect to live this long!

As I grow older.... My mind doesn't just wander... Sometimes it buggers off completely.

As I have grown older, I've learned that pleasing everybody is impossible, but p i s sing everyone off is a piece of cake.

 

Is this PP's excuse ?