TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
A young boy came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Aboriginal. So he asks, 'Mum, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?' 'What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father', his mother tells him. So he waits until dad gets home from work and asks the same question,'Dad am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?' 'What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Aboriginal?' 'Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steal the fu #k ing thing!
The Sniffer Dog ________________________________________ A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it had levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search'. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' 'I like it!' said his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to **** all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent 'What's going on?' The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb'.
Berts Boots ________________________________________ An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over. "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!" Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?' Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?' Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?' Bush turns to the bartender and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a **** about the 140 million Muslims'. Ciao M
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs! 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat tir'd day.' 'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. 'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
The best engine in the world is the fanny. It starts with one finger, its self lubricating, it takes any size piston, changes itself every month. The only problem is the engine management system.
Nine words women use... 1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. 2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. 3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine. 4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! 5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) 6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a wom an can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. 7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. 8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU! 9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3Then you RUN!
took Leonie for a drive in the car today and she liked it I nearly fell out the car she even wants to get her manual license so she can drive it ... right, and ice skates are still selling well in hell :\ .............. this is the joke thread right ?
Don't worry they change their minds in no time. Ask tomorrow, she won't know what you are talking about Been "home alone" for a month now. Life is good
So what have you bought while the good lady has been away????? Any surprises for her when she gets home.
the most unpredictable animal in the world ... give me a racetrack, full tank of fuel and any car .......happiness follows
You lucky, lucky b@stard!!! I have to wait until August until I get a weekends peace and quiet... unless there's another Tassie weekend between now and then.
Been "home alone" for a few months now (not counting the random girl who left 10 mins ago), life is good - but I still miss the thought that someone is definitely coming back. To me - that was always the best part of being alone, knowing that you don't have to be lonely.
