LOL, Now based on posts since shes been gone, let me think....... 599, Ducati......... Did that with my first F-car. Told the wife not to park in the garage as the spot was taken. She'd been in HK for 12 months for work.
All in good time I did that with my 355 Challenge. She got home from work, opened the garage door and found a ROHOS in her car spot. Went down like the plague as I recall.
A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's schooner. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a beer and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman.The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ......."What the f*** would they want with a plasterer ??!"
Just delete "I'm a plasterer" from the end of the line where the duck explains why he is there - adds significantly to the punch line
In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian. Ciao M
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!' ________________________ ________________________________________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!' Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, am I driving?'
THE LOVE DRESS A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered. ' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed. 'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained. 'Love dress? But you're naked!' 'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.' The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. ' What are you doing?' he asked. 'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually. 'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
welcome to the "fold" ... get it ? you can't "wrinkle out of this one " ??? please explain it to him Giovanni
Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table > because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.' The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.' But the fifth surgeon shut them all up w hen he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the Ar5ehol* - and they are interchangeable.'
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, Yet she still sat devotedly by his hospital bedside every single day. One day, in one of his rare waking moments, he motioned for her to come nearer. She moved close to him and whispered in his ear, 'Yes my darling, what is it?' With tears welling in his eyes he told her, 'You know what? You have been with Me all through the bad times. You've stuck with me through thick and thin. When I fell overboard on our honeymoon, you raised the alarm and saved my life. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When I lost that winning lotto ticket, You consoled me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got run over, You stayed by my bedside. When we lost the house, you stayed with me. And now, with my health failing, you are still by my side. You know what?' 'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. 'I think you're bad luck, f#*k off.'
Garry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Garry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." Garry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.
An Oirish Story: An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... 'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'. So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. 'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.' Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears. 'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?' 'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc..... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. 'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?' The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.' 'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman (Wait for it...........scroll down.) 'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand...'
