The Medical Profession Speaks out on the Financial Bail-Out Package The allergists voted to scratch it, and the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception. The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!" The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the radiologists could see right through it, and the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter" The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas; and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to the *******s in Parliament.
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time.. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. " Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!" I think that caller may post here..................................................
RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car. They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for the new zippy little car . . . The Clitaurus. The car comes in pink, with fur on the dash. Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane That will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.' 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.' So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.' 'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.' The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!' 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'' The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!' 'That's my boy!' The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but .... 2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia 2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing 2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe. Has any one else noticed this? It gets worse ........ next year ...... 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.'Yeah right!' she says.A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed...Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins snoring loudly.The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.Amazingly, it also works on him!The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers,'I don't know where we were ... or what we did ...but, we took FIRST and SECOND place!
There is a new coffee available in Ascot Vale. It's called the "Des Moran Espresso". It's three shots, costs tuppence, and it's guaranteed to blow your head off! Carl Williams.
A beautiful teacher was having trouble with one of her students in third-Grade class. teacher asked, "Boy. What is your problem?" Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the third-grade. My sister is in the 5th-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 6th Grade!" The teacher had enough. She took the Boy to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, madam explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the third-grade and behave. She agreed. the Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Boy.: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Boy.: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a 6th grade should know. The principal looks at teacher and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the 6th grade." teacher says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed. teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of"? Boy, after a moment "Legs." teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Boy.: "Pockets." :teacher What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy.: Coconut teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge. Boy.: Bubblegum teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Boy.: Shake hands teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Boy.: Tent teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg. Boy.: Wedding Ring teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy.: Nose teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Boy.: Arrow teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy.: Firetruck teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use urhand. Boy.: Fork teacher: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy.: SURNAME. teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ? Boy.: HEART. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to Cambridge university. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!".
The Last Coin A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 ten cent pieces to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts Slapping him on the back.. The boy coughs up 2 of the coins, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue Business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her Coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the Counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the Restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the Boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and Coughs up the last coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father And walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've Never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are You a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Australian Taxation Office .....'
> The International Council of Man Laws. > > 1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. > > 2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: > (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. > (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse. > (c) After wrecking your boss's car. > (d) When she is using her teeth. > > 3. Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed > and eaten by his friends. > > 4. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off > limits forever unless you actually marry her. > > 5. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is > forbidden. > However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. > > 6. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for > another > man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly > optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the > birthday boy's choice. > > 7. In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not > the > weakest. > > 8. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you > may > ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's > playing. > > 9. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her > to > climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of > flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's > officially your girlfriend. > > 10. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink ONLY when > you're > sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless > model > and only when it's free. > > 11. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you > allowed > to kick another guy in the nuts. > > 12. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. > > 13. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. > > 14. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see > anything. > > 15. Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as > spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability > to > drink as much as the other sports watchers. > > 16. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must > remain sober enough to fight. > > 17. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of > pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. > > 18. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on > longer > than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the > phone. > Hang up if necessary. > > 19. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a > friend' > have carnal, drunken monkey sex and the fact that you're feeling > weird > and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before > the > discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. > > 20. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable > for > her to drive yours. > > 21. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, > green, yellow, orange or sky blue. > > 22. The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for > Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an > Xbox 360 or a Playstation. End of story. > > 23. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's > Gymnastics. Ever. > > 24. NEVER wear a man bag to work. > > > > I hope this clears up any confusion, > > The International Council of Man Laws
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father,it's been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'." Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the village," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'." The next morning in Church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the Church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."
Walking Eagle On a recent trip to the U.S.A. Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in upstate New York due to his experiences in handling the Australian Indigineous situation in Australia. He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left. A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of sh*t, it can no longer fly.
