An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club. The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
The Royal Australian Navy intercepted a boat load off illegal Afghan asylum seekers off the coast. After being towed to port the Afghans were disembarking when the Australian Immigration officials and Navy officers stopped the first Afghan and asked him his name. The Afghan replied "Amhere"! Whats your name they asked the second Afghan? "Amhere Azwell" "And what's your name" they asked the third Afghan? The response was quick,wait for it......................................................................................................................................................................... "Amhere Azwell Azhim"!
So, Kate Middleton goes up to the Queen and asks "What is the secret for a long and happy royal marriage?" The Queen looks her up and down, pauses for a moment and says "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia 's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits, and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled. Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said. 'Strewth' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank. They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that' ? 'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank. 'Spot on', Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.' 'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate' 'No', Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am. 'About 32,' is the reply.' 'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald'sand asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?' He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?' 'I promise I won't' she says. 'I was behind you at McDonalds' Image Unavailable, Please Login
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car Or were they trying to steal it? 'Heavens no, we bought it.' 'Then why don't you drive it away.' We can't drive.' Then why did you buy it?' 'We were told that if we bought a Used car here We'd get screwed ....so we're just waiting.
...so Wills and Kate didnt want a horse drawn carriage at the wedding but Charlie wanted Camilla to be involved
Is this some sort of joke? Weather is perfect, thanks for asking. May take the Ferrari out later for a drive. Or I may just mow the lawn and chill out.
