A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg. His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please." The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters. "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you." The first daughter says, "That's not true." He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."
1. Ahhh...I see the ****-up fairy has visited us again... 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****. 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. No, my powers can only be used for good. 24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. 25. Who me? I just wander from room to room 26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? 27. Do I look like a people person? 28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 30. You!... Off my planet! 31. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 33. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 34. Allow me to introduce my selves. 35. Whatever kind of look you were going ! for, you missed. 36. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 38. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 41. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1? 42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 44. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 45. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks. 47. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
>This is the transcript of the FOX FM live radio that got >Sydneylaughing. Read it and you'll see why! > >Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and >hearing this. > > >Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in >Sydney. > > >The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. >The game Is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask >if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the > >contestant Answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly > >personal questions. > > > > > > The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner > >(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers >those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One > >particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop >to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing >you've heard yet. > > > > > > Anyway, here's how it all went down: > > > > > > DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate > > Match'?" > > > > > Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have." > > > > > > DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the >Gold > > > Coast > > > If you win. What is your name? First only please." > > > > > > Contestant: "Brian." > > > > > > DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" > > > > > > Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." > > > > > > > > > DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only > >please." > > > > > > Brian: "Sara." > > > > > > > > > DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" > > > > > > > > > Brian: "She is gonna kill me." > > > > > > DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" > > > > > > Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work." > > > > > > DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had > >sex?" > > > > > > Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." > > > > > > DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." > > > > > > Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." > > > > > > DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" > > > > > > Brian: "About 10 minutes." > > > > > > DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever > >have > > said that if a trip wasn't at stake." > > > > > Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." > > > > > > > > > DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 >o'clock > >this > > > morning? > > > > > > Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." > > > > > > DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" > > > > > > Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is >staying > >with > > > > > us for a couple of weeks..." > > > > > DJ: "Uh huh..." > > > > > > Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the > >time." > > > > > > DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." > > > > > > Brian: "On the kitchen table." > > > > > > DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the >previous > > > hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on > > > hold,get > > > this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." > > > > > > [3 minutes of commercials follow. ] > > > > > > DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones > > > .....ringing....) > > > > > > Clerk: "Kinkos." > > > > > > DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?" > > > > > > Clerk: "This is she." > > > > > > DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air > >right > > > now > > > and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." > > > > > > Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" > > > > > > DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian >knows > >not > > to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you >know > > > >the > > > rules of 'Mate Match'?" > > > > > > Sarah: "No." > > > > > > DJ: "Good!" > > > > > > Brian: (laughing) > > > > > > Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" > > > > > > Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? >Be > > > > > completely honest." > > > > > > DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, > >Sarah. > > > If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you > >will be > > > off To the Gold Coast for 5 days on us. > > > > > > Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." > > > > > > DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?" > > > > > > Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went >to > > work." > > > > > DJ: "What time?" > > > > > > Sarah: "Around 8 this morning." > > > > > > DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" > > > > > > Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe." > > > > > > DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to > >protect > > > his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one > > > question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?" > > > > > > Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." > > > > > > DJ: "Where did you have it?" > > > > > > Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did >you?" > > > > > > Brian: "Just tell him, honey." > > > > > > DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?" > > > > > > Sarah: "Well..." > > > > > > DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it? > > > > > > Sarah: "Up the ar#e....." > > > > > > After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a > >station > > > break" And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars > > > laughing!
A blonde gets on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune after his sickly, widowed father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful blonde woman he'd ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said, as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles that evening, and three days later, she became his stepmother. Some women are so much smarter than men. When will men ever learn?
You are the driver of a bus. At the stop there is: A person who is about to die The person who saved your life And the person of your dreams. you can only take on passanger!!! Who do you take???
my gf is blonde, smart and none of your business .... is that the school bell in the background ?? shouldn't you be in class ?
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report: Titanic: $29.99 Clinton: $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill. Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica.....ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
2 peanuts were walking in a park late at night. One was a-salted......................................... hahaha
throw your life saver the keys to comute the dying person to the hospital while you wait for the next bus with the person of your dreams
One can only assume, from the standard of your posts on this site, that you spent the best part of your school years in 3rd grade
I was thinking more kindergarten or asleep, unfortunately he mustn't have a job either how are things in the wild west Giovanni ?
Zero tollerance from what I hear.....if ya don't pay for your petrol.....bang bang! I like it! Did you hear about the South American Scientist, from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient sexual activity in their lives tend to read their e-mails with their hand still on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off, it's too late......
mmm, after 15 years of marriage, to quote Rodney Dangerfield: "if it wasn't for pickpockets i'd have no sex life at all"
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground (P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe) (P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick (S) That's what they're there for (P) Number three engine missing (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search (P) Aircraft handles funny (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious (P) Target Radar hums (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze world!
