she can have the house if i can keep the cars!!! Another favourite Rodney Dangerfield quote. He and his wife are lying in bed and nothing is happening. He leans to her and says: "So, you cant think of anyone else either".
A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem........ "What's the matter?" he asks. "Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges." "What's the picture of?", he asks. "It's of a big rooster," she replies "All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look. "When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for f**k's sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"
where from and how much ?? I think I need to do the same thing as I run out of brakes after 10 mins of hard use but Carl reckons that the brake fluid. I still need Brembos for the track or mountain work show us a picture if you know how to use those new fangled d i g i t a l cameras thingys gotta catch up soon , I miss you already
Actually, I was only pulling your leg - don't need bigger brakes - only bigger balls! Unsurprisingly, Carl is quite right. All you need is good fluid and good pads. I use Valvoline race fluid and Bendix Ultimates I get from Winston Kim. I change the fluid before and after I go to the track which is probably overkill, but it works for me. The pads last about a year with 2 or 3 track days and they are still fine for the road - no squealing or "nothing when cold" problems. Don't seem to wear the discs too much - I have only put on one set of front discs since I've had the car. I'll be over there March 1-3 - let's catch up. GM PS What's a digit camera? Is that for taking snaps of your pinkey?
my Steven Wright collection.... For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out... So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny. For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward] This is my impression of a bowling ball...[drags the mike along the floor, then lifts it]...gutter... I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy... I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot. He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in... If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night. I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out .... I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there. I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house. Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second. I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses. I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. "I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, ""Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"" I replied, ""Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long." My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash...I took 65 pictures of myself making a sandwich...My neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the copy looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly], and says, 'Here, you can go.' I like to paint passing lines on curved roads. I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes. I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity. I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. The other day, I was walking my dog around my building--on the ledge....Some people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. I went fishing with a dotted line...I caught every other fish. I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never have to go upstairs. "I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, ""Well first I.....I just....to make a long story short...""" I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. (Ad he did for a local student radio station Whenever I'm in Champaign, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town, they mail it to me... I have a friend name Dennis. Both his parents are midgets, but not Dennis. He's a midget dwarf. He's the guy who poses for trophies. You can't have everything...Where would you put it? I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.' You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time. I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it... I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. And when I get real, real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree. The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Sometimes I...No, I don't. I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger. I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job. Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it... Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks! "He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, ""Yes, but not right now.""" Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, ""If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?"" I said, ""Heck no, why?"" ""Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep...""" When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. "I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, ""I think I might have written that.""" "I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, ""Hello, Information."" I said, ""I can't find my socks."" She said, ""They're behind the couch."" And they were! " "I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, ""I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."" " I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it. "One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, ""Didn't you see the stop sign?"" I said, ""Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.""" I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? "I went to a fancy French restaurant called ""Deja Vu."" The headwaiter said, ""Don't I know you?""" I had amnesia once or twice. My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me. "We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded ""maybe"". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, ""No further questions.""" If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? Hermits have no peer pressure. I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings. If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? What do batteries run on? After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature. "My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, ""the whole time.""" My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ... I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window. I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle. Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough. If you perm your hair twice in opposite directions, does it come out straight? If God dropped acid, would he see people? It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows. Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill. Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually... I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor. How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented? Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird. Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper. Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts. The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant. It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly. The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English subtitles. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work. I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. "I went to a restaurant that serves ""breakfast at any time."" So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." "When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I said, ""Five."" He said, ""When I was your age, I was six.""" "I saw a bank that said ""24 Hour Banking"", but I don't have that much time." I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one? The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing. When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey. "I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, ""Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.""" Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and turns up my radio every time I park? I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done. Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug. I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... Boy, were they mad! I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum. I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part. When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have the weekend. When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. There aren't enough days in the weekend. I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's two feet off the ground. Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time. Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D. Ever try to Scotch-gard a sponge? When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since. As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries. Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages. "I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, ""Can I help you?"" And I said ""Yeah, do you got anything I like?"" He said, ""What do you mean do we have anything you like?"" I said, ""You started this.""" "I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, ""ten-four.""" "I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said ""pet supplies."" So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said ""compact cars""..." "The sign said ""eight items or less"". So I changed my name to Les." I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. "I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, ""Give me two boys and a girl."" " When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. It's a fine night to have an evening. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. A metaphor is like a simile. In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you have the pen! If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? I took a baby shower. A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt. "Is ""tired old cliche"" one?" I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. "I went to a garage sale. ""How much for the garage?"" ""It's not for sale.""" "If you write the word ""monkey"" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?" If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg. I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests. If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram. A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood lust. They tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the skunk up a tree. My feet were still hot and sweaty, so I bought wind socks. Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he had cross-trained. What are imitation rhinestones? Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing. I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't... My arm kept moving. I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own. I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property. I like to skate on the other side of the ice. One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95. Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time. "I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, ""Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile."" I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, ""E6""." I once locked my keys out of my car. I had break out of my car with a coat hanger. I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend. "I liked ""Slaughterhouse 5"", but I can't find the first four anywhere." I bought a portable cable TV. I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect. "Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, ""Do you live around here often?"" She said, ""You're wearing two different colored socks."" I said, ""Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness.""" I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. I had my coathangers spayed. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. "Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, ""what for?""" Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business. My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on. "I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. ""What are you making?"" ""A salt lick.""" I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open. I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back. I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list. My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter. I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. "When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, ""I want my daughter back by 8:15."" I said, ""The middle of August? Cool!"" " "I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ""The whole time."" " I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass. My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year. I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back. "I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"" taller." Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday. "When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, ""Well, what do you need?"" " I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks. My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. I washed mud, off of mud. I broke a leg one time... Spilled coffee all over. I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds. I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper. One night I came home very late. It was the next night. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing. "I have an answering machine in my car. It says, ""I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.""" I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright, I was still inside. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds AMAZING. My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH. My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick. In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... So I never have to go upstairs. "In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, ""Cut it out.""" My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants... I use a megaphone. I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room. I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest. I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose. I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album. "I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, ""Hey, these records are all blank."" " I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal. I like to leave messages before the beep. Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown. My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ... I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil. I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. "I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ""What for?"" I said, ""I'm going to buy some sugar."" " The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement. "I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, ""It's free with purchase."" I asked her if anyone bought anything today." There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. "I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ""woman"". " I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit. I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down. Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. "I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... ""Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined." I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. I don't like dogs... Keep getting mustard on my catcher's mit. My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it. It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics. "The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays ""Helter, Skelter."" " My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out. "I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: ""Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it.""" Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk. I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling. You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country. I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires. I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen. I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils. My uncle's an airline pilot... Kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though. I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. "When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV saying, ""Only you can prevent forest fires."" I thought ""Who? Me?"" So I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night with a bucket of water -- ""Gotta go to work.""" I invented the cordless extension cord. There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York. I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. I went around my house and turned on all the lights. Then I put mirrors around all the light bulbs. Now the electric company sends me a check each month. I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the demographics one way or another. Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and there's no cure in sight. When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. How young can you die of old age? I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough. Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom. My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old. My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York. I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes longer. (Said with a very dull voice I'm so hyper.... At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. "Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, ""Hello?"" And I said, ""Hello, could I speak to Joey?""... They said, ""Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old."" I said, ""I'll wait.""" In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. "When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ""Did you sleep well?"" I said, ""No, I made a few mistakes."" " I can levitate birds. No one cares. (Referring to a glass of water I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody! I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. "I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, ""Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?""" I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better. Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories. "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, ""Got any shoes you're not using?""" Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "I filled out an application that said, ""In Case Of Emergency Notify ________"". I wrote ""Doctor""... What's my MOTHER going to do?" It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. "When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading it. It said, ""Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.""" If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? "Why is it, ""A penny for your thoughts,"" but, ""you have to put your two cents in?"" Somebody's making a penny." Which of the Himalayas is the shortest? Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to hit your own ball. Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? "I saw a sign: ""Rest Area 25 Miles"". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired." My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary. When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually. The sky is falling. The sun is rising. The sky already fell. Now what? The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded. A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. "I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. ""It was supposed to be hot today.""" I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age. Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it. I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep. When I'm in Champaigne, I listen to the great music on Rock 107, and when I'm out of town... They mail it to me. "A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ""Wish you were here.""" The doctor says he has to amputate all of me. Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself. The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows. The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney... I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus. I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads. "A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. ""You didn't borrow this."" ""I will."" " I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet. So I get off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over... I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep. I can't stop thinking like this. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me. "What's another word for ""thesaurus""? " When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving. When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. "I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a guy in France who said, ""Cut it out!"" " One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world. "My school colors were clear. ""I'm not naked, I'm in the band.""" So, do you live around here often? "I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I'd say, ""have you got anything I'd like?"" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ""Extra medium.""" I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything. I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it. I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by. "When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the guy, ""Do you have any toy train schedules?""" My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. "I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ""Happy Birthday"". " I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer. "I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, ""Why'd you run that stop sign?"" I said, ""Because I don't believe everything I read."" " Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out. I'm a peripheral visionary. I make my own water - two parts H, one part O. Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas? "The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, ""Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."" " Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? Whenever everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back. The speed of time is one second per second. I was once arrested for resisting arrest. My father was a small claims court jester. What's the youngest you can die of old age? "I have a fax machine with ""fax waiting"". " I was skydiving horizontally. I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. "The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, ""Right here, officer.""" I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. "Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says ""If an emergency, notify:"" I put ""DOCTOR"". What's my mother going to do?" The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. I had parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone. I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time. "I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I say ""Come here, Stay!"" After a while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all." I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right. I'm so hyper (said with a very dull voice). I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkys on the escalator. Having sex with <name> is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match. "I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, ""Do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?"" So I said, ""Oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.""" "Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, ""wish you were here.""" Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Did you sleep well? No, I made a couple of mistakes. "I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, ""Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?"" I said, ""yes.""" I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. "I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went, ""Aaaaahhhh.....""" You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time. You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time. I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards. Is tired old cliche one? I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. We're surrounded. I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake. Even snakes are afraid of snakes. When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge. I couldn't find the remote to the remote. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. The other day I... no wait, that wasn't me. You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time. There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't understand what he said. I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet? I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes, I need them. Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving. Every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip, but I don't remember what it was. "I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said, ""Steven, why haven't you called me?"" I said, ""I can't call everyone I want, my phone has no 5 on it."" He said, ""How long have you had it?"" I said, ""I don't know, my calendar has no 7s on it.""" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel. "I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ""Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours."" He said, ""Yeah, but not in a row.""" I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it. They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning (picks up his glass of water from the stool). I like to live on the edge. "A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and ""Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.""" "I saw a want ad; ""light housekeeping."" They said ""Here, change this bulb."" I said ""I'll need some friends.""" On the other hand, you have different fingers. Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. "Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, ""What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"" " "I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, ""See, that's how it's done."" " I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.) Four years ago... No, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I... No, I don't. Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators. "While I was gone, somebody rearranged all the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: ""Do I know you?"" " "Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, ""Go ahead, touch it... It feels real."" " All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes. Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em. I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
A Blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. " How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. " Well I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. " What?" sputtered the doctor. " You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" " No silly !" the blonde said, " First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought, I just paid $6.000 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." " Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, I just paid $3.000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." " Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, this is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
How many children? asks the Centrelink worker. 10 replies Shazza 10??? says the Centrelink worker.. What are their names? Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne Doesnt that get confusing? Naah... says Shazza its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAAAYNE, YA DINNERS READY or WAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it... What if you want to speak to one individually? says the perturbed Centrelink worker. Thats easy, says Shazza... I just use their surnames
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde Fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?" "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you". He said, "F*ck him. Give him five bucks." She smiled prettily. "And the breakfast was my idea."
Melrose Drive , Tullamarine , Victoria . January 16th 2006 : 14.35 hours:: Highway patrol pulls over a Workcover Inspector for doing 68kph in a 60kph zone. Workcover Inspector says nothing and cops it sweet. Policeman finishes writing ticket and proceeds back to his car........... Workcover Inspector in the mean time, gets digital camera out of bag, photographs the cop and proceeds to the police car where he issues the policeman with an $800.00 fine for not wearing his hi-visibility vest when leaving his vehicle in a high traffic area.
i work in IT. people have been sending me this sh*t for years. i'm just going through my assorted folder where i keep the ones i think are funny and boosting my post count. heaps more to come . . . . .
5 Secrets to a Perfect Relationship 1. It is important that a woman helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a woman makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a woman you can count on and doesn't lie to you. 4. It is important that a woman is good in bed and loves making love to you. 5. It is really important that these four women don't know each other.
84 more post to catch up to me... post more jokes,like the workcover one,i hate workcover cause they fined me.
38 things you SHOULD have learnt by now.... 1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 2. Don't worry about what people think - they don't do it very often. 3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Some one who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat 26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings." 27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." 28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. 29. You should not confuse your career with your life. 30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 31. Never lick a steak knife. 32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip. 33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. 34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven. 36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside - we ALL believe that we are above average drivers. 37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.) 38. Your friends love you anyway.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says: "F*ck off, you won't bring it back."
Women never seem to be specific in their instructions and then wonder why men don't get it right. A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma". The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?", they cried. The husband said, "I guess she choked."
1. Racing isn't dangerous: Crashing is dangerous. 2. It is better to be spectating and wishing you were out there, than out there and wishing you were spectating. 3. Learn from the mistakes of others; you will never live long enough to make all of them yourself. 4. To win, you must first finish; to finish, you must first start. To start, you must first spend an inordinate amount of time and money. 5. Drive your own race. Others will be all too happy to tell you what you did wrong. 6. Every driver knows the 3 simple tricks for winning races; ask your closest competitors to share theirs. 7. An oversteering car generates higher slip angles at the rear than the front. Keep all slip angles under 360 degrees. 8. Wear a full-face helmet. It will be easier to hide your fear. 9. Choose a close-fitting racing seat. Do not get it brown. 10. Wear ear plugs; they muffle the jeers and catcalls of spectators 11. Good judgement comes from experience; unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgement. 12. Wave to corner workers. They will doubtless be talking about you on their radios, and it will easier for them to refer to you as "the idiot who is waving." 13. Obey All Flags: Green: "All Clear" - You are free to retire from the event at your convenience. Yellow: "Danger" - Be alert and do not allow the faster cars behind to pass you. Yellow/Red Stripes: "Surface" flag (see #7 above, "Slip Angles") White: "Emergency Vehicle On Course" - One lap to go before he passes you. Blue/Yellow Stripe: "Mirror" flag - A faster competitor is closing; watch your mirrors and be prepared to block. Black: "Aw****" flag - You have committed the uncon- scionable; come in immediately to re-take the written exam. Black/Orange circle: "Meatball" - Mechanical black flag. You have been disqualified for your illegal cam lobes. Redroceed at a pace fast enough to beat everyone left with four corners on their car to the nearest shade tree Checker: Wave to the corner workers, you idiot! 14. Be gracious in defeat, and less than insufferably arrogant in victory. 15. Remove your arm restraints before the trophy presentation. 16. And remember, it is OK to start racing with an empty bag of experience if you also have a bag full of luck. Fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
Q.How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? . . . . . . . . . . A.fourne to climb the ladder,one to hold the ladder,one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.
"There are only three sports: bullfighting, motor racing and mountaineering; the rest are all merely games. Sports have consequences." - Ernest Hemmingway There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works. - Will Rogers "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read." Groucho Marx Activism is a way for useless people to feel important.- Thomas Sowell "A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory." Steven Wright build a man a fire and you warm him for a day.. set that man on fire and you warm him for the rest of his life unknown "Imagination is more important than knowledge" - Albert Einstein You can design it to be idiot-proof, but someone else will surely have designed a better idiot. unknown "No matter how good she looks, somebody else is tired of her ****." - A wise (married) man. "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert Heinlein "If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?" unknown "If you can make black marks on a straight from the time you turn out of a corner until the braking point of the next turn, then you have enough horsepower" -Mark Donohue "If you don't come back to the pits with a steering wheel in your hands every once in a while, you aren't trying hard enough!" - Mario Andretti Nobody remembers who finished second except the loser in third. unknown Why Motor Racing? Because Football, Baseball, and Basketball only require ONE ball.... unknown A good friend of mine gave up liquor, fast women and rich foods. He was the picture of perfect health all the way up to the day he killed himself. - Rodney Dangerfield I didn't lose my job, I know where it's at just every time I go there, there's this new guy doing it - Bobcat Golthwait There is a theory which states that if anyone discovers just exactly what the universe is for and why we are here, that it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. Then there is a theory which states that this has already happened. Douglas Adams
