Didnt go over my head. It went over Phils head or did u have ur eyes shut.
Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. - Alfred E Newman Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty and the pig loves it. - Alfred E Newman Life's tough and then you live forever. Are you going to live in the Smoking or Non-Smoking section of eternity? - Alfred E Newman Its what you learn after you know it all that counts. - Alfred E Newman If you kicked the person most directly responsible for all your problems, YOU wouldn't be able to sit down for a week. - Alfred E Newman "I hate to advocate weird chemicals, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone . . . but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." --Cliff Clavin (Cheers) "If you can actually count your money, then you are not really a rich man." - J. Paul Getty "The best minds are not in government. If they were, business would hire them away." - Ronald Reagan "Blah, blah, blah, blah"... Al Bundy To be or not to be - Shakespeare To do is to be - Aristotle To be is to do - Plato OOh be doo be doo Sinatra "The stone age didn't end because they ran out of stones" unknown Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the things you did. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbour, catch the tradewinds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain. If you want to train a dog - you have to be smarter than the dog. unknown "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert A. Heinlein I spent all my money on women and booze and, like a fool, I squandered the rest.. unknown "Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." --Homer Simpson "Drink triple, see double and act single." Anonymous "What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?" --W.C. Fields Objects in the rear view mirror are LOSING. unknown Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time Steven Wright
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam" Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up And examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy" Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese and there are 5 people in >my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu, but I'm pretty sure it's Colin. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high." My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts & hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh Two fish are in a tank One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
Conversation between Baboo & his son. Baboo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice Son : "I will choose my own bride!" Baboo: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter." Son : "Well, in that case...ok" Next Baboo approaches Bill Gates. Baboo: "I have a husband for your daughter." Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!" Baboo: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok" Finally Baboo goes to see the president of the World Bank. Baboo: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!" Baboo: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law." President: "Ah, in that case...ok" This is how business is done!!
Oh Lisa! You and your stories! Bart is a vampire! Beer kills brain cells! Now lets go back to that ... building ... thingy... where our beds and TV... is. (Marge): Homer, is this the way you pictured married life? (Homer): Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries. Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial. You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring. Marge, quick, how many kids do we have? No time, I'll just estimate. 9! Stealing? How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name? (Marge): Homer! What have you done to the car? I don't think it had broken axles before. (Homer): Before! Before! You're living in the past, Marge. Quit living in the past. (Homer): Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? (Lisa): No. (Homer): Ham? (Lisa): No! (Homer): Pork chops? (Lisa): Dad! Those all come from the same animal! (Homer): Heh heh heh ... ooh ... yeah right, Lisa. A wonderful ... magical animal. What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. (Homer): OK, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but lets get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. (Homer's brain): It's a deal! It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in 8 hours of TV a day. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene." Excuse me Doctor, I think I know a little something about medicine. Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
Rejected titles for Brokeback Mountain... PRANCES WITH WOLVES JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON THE PLEASURE OF THE SIERRA, PADRE BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID PAINT YOUR WANGON HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG THE WILD BRUNCH HE WORE A YELLOW RIBBON THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID VERY RAW HIDE LONESOME DOUG THE HOARSE SOLDIERS DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN MCCABE AND MR. MILLER HI, PLAINS DRIFTER! THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES QUICKLY DOWN UNDER BAREBACK MOUNTING BONE-NANZA DON'T MESS WITH TEX'S ASS HOME ON THE RANGER OKLAHOMO ROOSTER COCKBURN LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE BALONEY PONY RODEO TUBESTEAK COWBOYS THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE FABULOUS SILVER-ROD-OWWW
A store that sells NEW HUSBANDS has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are SIX floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework." "Oh my God!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband store. A NEW WIVES store opened across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
^^ A slightly different ending to another version of that I've heard. ------------------------- A guy is at a restaurant and sees a stunningly beautiful woman sitting at another table. He calls over the waiter and asks him to bring her an expensive bottle of wine that he bought. The waiter does as he is told, the woman looks at the wine and without even glancing at the man she writes a note and sticks it on the bottle. The waiter returns it to the man. “Unless you own a Mercedes, have $1million in the bank and 7 inches in the pants I’m not interested” read the note. The man writes back his own note for the woman: “I actually do have a Mercedes, and a BMW, Ferrari and Porsche in my garage. I also have $20million in the bank. But even for you I wouldn’t cut 3 inches off my penis ….”
Something to think about ! If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to quirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home,maybe at work) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......) Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a good thing) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too) Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
thats scary to even think about it....86 year old man having sex with dolphin,what a head line for the papers..
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you. Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that, before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." "No!" said St. Peter, and he banished her to hell. The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." "Noo!" said St. Peter, and he banished her to hell, too. "I know what Easter is," said the third blonde. "So, tell me," said St. Peter. "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans nailed Him on the cross and and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... " "Verrrrry good," said St. Peter. Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mum on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The parents stop and his mum quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around her. What were you and dad just doing ? The boy asked his mum. Well, your dad has a big tummy and sometimes mum has to get on top to help flatten it'' she explains. Your wasting your time'' says the little boy'' Cause when you go shopping the lady next door gets down on her knees and BLOWS it right back up ''
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Kiwi were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this f*cken building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off this f*cken building too." The Kiwi opened his lunch and said " Lamb Roast again! If I get lamb roast one more time, I'm f*cken jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The Kiwi opened his lunch, saw the lamb roast and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Kiwi's wife. The Kiwi's wife said "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
