British Telecom service :)

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by UroTrash, Jul 5, 2004.

  1. UroTrash

    UroTrash Three Time F1 World Champ
    Consultant Owner

    Jan 20, 2004
    Full Name:
    Internet Poseur
    At the risk of this being a repost.......

    The British do have a way with words. A real-life
    customer complaint letter sent to NTL (from their
    complaints dept):

    Dear Cretins,

    I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001,
    when I signed
    up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem,
    and telephone. During this three-month period I have
    encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously
    considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
    monolithic proportions.

    Please allow me to provide specific details, so that
    you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and
    seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so
    that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while
    away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee
    on the bog in your office:

    My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting
    in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat
    arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not
    arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating
    hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling
    me to look at your helpful website.... HOW? I alleviated the
    boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an
    activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly

    The rescheduled installation then took place some
    two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a
    number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
    Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After
    15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks
    after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it. I estimate
    your internet servers downtime is roughly 35%... hours between
    about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend.

    I am still waiting for my telephone connection.
    have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have
    been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
    disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
    bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line
    is available (and someone will call me back); that
    will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
    telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
    transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer
    machine informing me that your office is closed); that
    will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to
    the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other
    variations on this theme.

    Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as
    you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to
    ignore, and also another one of those crucially important
    testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more
    satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to
    shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore,
    if I continue.

    I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the
    holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no one,
    anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
    obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I
    chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
    How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
    considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
    shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces
    of distended rectum - incompetents of the highest

    British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine
    like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire
    of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that
    I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive
    any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
    potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services
    which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
    deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with
    hilarity and disbelief - quickly be replaced by derision, and
    even perhaps bemused rage.

    I enclose two small deposits, selected with great
    care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and
    complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I
    sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during
    transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and
    I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
    experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

    Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings
    towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

    Have a nice day - may it be the last in your
    miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly
    unhelpful bunch of ****s.
  2. coolestkidever

    coolestkidever F1 Veteran

    Feb 28, 2004
    Full Name:
    LMAO. The end is the best.
  3. Z0RR0

    Z0RR0 F1 Rookie

    Apr 11, 2004
    Montreal, Canada
    Full Name:
    Gotta love it!!!
  4. PaulK

    PaulK F1 Rookie
    Silver Subscribed

    Apr 24, 2004
    Full Name:
    I loved the ending. I'm still laughing.
  5. udalmia

    udalmia Guest

    I love the British sense of humor! Brilliant stuff!
  6. imperial83

    imperial83 F1 Rookie

    May 14, 2004
    Reminds me of verizon and AT&T on our side of the ocean. Hilarious!
  7. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ

    Aug 3, 2002
    Full Name:
    Carbon McCoy
    "Dear Cretins..."

    LOL, awesome...! It started awesome, it ended awesome, the whole thing was awesome... Very nice... i laughed the whole way through...

Share This Page