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Conversations of an Air Traffic Controller-----

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by tonyh, Mar 3, 2004.

  1. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    Dec 23, 2002
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    Tony H
    Some old, some new--------------------------

    Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will neve hear.
    The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
    control towers from around the world.

    This is your Captain.............
    While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.
    Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate
    female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "Us Air 2771,
    where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
    Your turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
    tell the difference between C' and D', but get it right. Continuing her rage to
    the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've
    screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this
    out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
    progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you
    to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
    You got that US Air 2771?"
    Yes ma'am" the humbled crew responded. Naturally the ground control
    communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of

    US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in
    her current state of mind.
    Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.
    Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
    asking "Wasn't I married to you once?"
    ==================================
    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
    after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right
    turn at the end of the runway if you are able......If not,take the Guadalupe
    exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
    return to the airport."
    ==================================
    Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff line: "I'm f...ing bored!"

    Ground Traffic Control: Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
    immediately!"

    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!
    ==================================
    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
    124.7." Easter 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
    way,after
    we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the end of the runway."
    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
    Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
    Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger, and yes, we
    copied Eastern......we've already notified our caterers."

    ==================================
    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
    short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
    parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
    Soit was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
    exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
    sign Speedbird 206."
    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 is clear of active runway.
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha one-seven."

    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground:
    Speedbird, do you not know where you are going? Speedbird 206: "Stand by,
    Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to
    Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206: (coolly): Yes, twice in 1944, but I didn't stop!"
    ==================================
    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
    Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've
    always wanted to say this.....I've got the little Fokker in sight."
    ==================================
    A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
    overhear the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
    Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a
    beautiful British accent):
    "Because you lost the bloody war!"
     
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  3. Modificata

    Modificata F1 Rookie
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    Apr 27, 2003
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    Tony
    Very Good!

    Reminds me of something that happened to me. I used to work for British Airways, and once whilst travelling to Rome was lucky enough to be allowed to sit in the cockpit. Anyway the captain landed the plane but as we were slowing down he couldnt find the exit off the runway. The co-pilot started to radio control tower asking for the exit number off the runway. No reply came back despite serveral attempts to make contact.

    Anyway we got the end of the runway, and by this time the pilot is yelling over the radio to control tower asking for the exit number. Still no reply. They have no choice but to do a U turn on the runway and head back up and try and find the exit themselves. Whilst all the passengers were happily looking out the side of the plane going back up the runway, we were looking out of the front at a plane coming in to land right at us! The pilot stops the plane, and starts yelling to control tower to abort the landing of the other plane as we are still on the runway. Still no reply.

    The plane landed and managed to slow down before hitting us. Then as the other plane turned off the runway to head towards the terminal our jaws hit the floor. It was a Russian Aeroflot plane! A few weeks before this happend two or three Russian Aeroflots had crashed within weeks of each other (about 4 years ago). Im sure the pilot broke a few necks once he got off the plane. The rest of the passengers were oblivious as to what was happening as they were looking out of the side of the plane...
     
  4. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    Dec 23, 2002
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    Adnaan,
    That's very scary ! Bet the old heart rate was somewhat elevated.....?
    T
     
  5. Modificata

    Modificata F1 Rookie
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    Lets just say we were sshiittin bricks!
     
  6. BubblesQuah

    BubblesQuah F1 World Champ
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    Nov 1, 2003
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    Charlotte
    Interesting - except USAir doesn't and never has flown a London Gatwick to Ft. Lauderdale route.
     
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  8. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
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    Oh well, never mind...i've never let the truth get in the way of a good story!
     
  9. airbarton

    airbarton Formula 3

    Nov 11, 2002
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    Chuck Barton
    Heres one I heard on the radio once while I was waiting for departure out of Hartsfield in Atlanta. This was just after Delta took delivery of a number of thier new triple 7's. I heard this distinctly female voice talking to the tower. I'm not sure if she was a captain or first officer. After thier exchange a voice came on that sounded like a crusty old captain that said "can you believe that, a beautiful brand new airplane and it already has a crack in it" I almost fell out of my seat I was laughing so hard!

    Here's one I always do when I go to Charlotte. There is a departure procedure there called the Hugo 5. It has a transition called the Debie transition because it takes you to the Debie intersection. When you take off they vector you around for a little bit and then they usually clear you to intercept that transition. It sounds something like this. "Commander triple two mike echo turn right 260 intercept the debie transition" I always replie "triple two mike echo right 260 we'll do Debbie" I had a lady controller come back once and say she had never heard it put quite that way before. I'm glad she could appreciate the humor, they have a rough job thier in CLT!
     
  10. Artherd

    Artherd F1 Veteran

    Jun 19, 2002
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    Ben Cannon
    Not very funny, but pretty neat while getting vectors in SFO's bravo directly in line with 28 L&R's departure lanes...

    "November 606DeltaJuliet, maintain OneThousand FiveHundred"
    "United Tripple-Seven Heavy, level off, traffic is a Skywagon."

    We were in a Cesena 182, and the 777 was getting BIIIIG indeed at 30*+ climbout! He went right under us with only a few hundred feet of seperation.
     
  11. airbarton

    airbarton Formula 3

    Nov 11, 2002
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    Chuck Barton
    Yikes! thats what happens when you mix big jets and bug smashers, almost always a bad idea. Glad you survived it!
     
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  13. BigTex

    BigTex Seven Time F1 World Champ
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    I was in a Beechcraft Baron coming home from Indy one year, thru heavy weather, in the shotgun seat.

    Pilot radioed in for permission to "Shuck and jive due to weather", we received an OK, then radioed back once our new course was established.

    He had already asked for their recommendation, only to be told "Hard to tell, you're at the very edge of our screen"!!

    Good thing I could have a Maker's Mark, thru all that. It was more exciting than the 500!
     
  14. airbarton

    airbarton Formula 3

    Nov 11, 2002
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    Actually you were lucky they did not help you. I can't tell you how many times controllers have put us smack in the middle of a boomer trying to help us. Now I am not trying to slander them, I know they have a very difficult job. The fact is thier radar is probably not the right tool for this job and they are already way to busy to be a weather man as well as an air traffic controller. The bottom line is if you don't have airborne weather radar you should probably not be out hunting and pecking your way through weather. I know lots of people do this but lots of them don't live to tell about it! Glad you survived the experence but my guess is you prbably don't want to do it again. I think the saying is "there are only two types of pilots, old pilots and bold pilots but there aren't any old bold pilots!"
     
  15. BigTex

    BigTex Seven Time F1 World Champ
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    I hear you!! No, thankfully we WERE equipped with on board radar, so we could pick our way thru it. My pilot never made me nervous, but you are absolutely right, I gained a new understanding of how so many end up in the trees!!!

    You've heard about this week in Houston, where a drunk kid broke into a small airport, tried several planes (a Beech Baron being one!), and with ZERO experience got airborne, flew a while in the fog, and went into some cross country transmission lines!!!!

    They found the wreck the next morning. No pilot, no bodies. Hmmmmm.....

    Arrested the hung over dude after finding him walking down the road.

    They said if 1000 stunt pilots had tried it, 999 of 'em would be dead.

    The perp said he'd always wanted to be a pilot, maybe the airport should install a taller fence!!!!!! True Story!!!!
     
  16. BigTex

    BigTex Seven Time F1 World Champ
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    The Indy airport was crazy the day of the 500. Appointment req'd to land and take off, etc.

    We came back from the race and found a Concorde, ON CHARTER, had been parked with the wing shading our plane! We just THOUGHT we were high rolling! LOL

    You should have seen the ladies coming out of that thing. It was like a fashion runway show!

    We just munched our picnic basket of chicken until our take off slot arrived.
    We were watching this HUGE front moving in, and I think they finally scooted us up in the order to get us out of there!
     
  17. BigTex

    BigTex Seven Time F1 World Champ
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    It is a tragedy about the guy in Europe, killed in front of his family on the doorstep, over his controller's job.......
     
  18. airbarton

    airbarton Formula 3

    Nov 11, 2002
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    Great story. I can't believe how many stupid people there are in the world. I'll tell you about a funny one I heard happened to a flight instructor once. He soloed this young guy in an old piper cub which as you know has a semi-open cockpit. It seems the young man got lost an tried to stick his head out the side so he could look down at the roads below in the hopes of seeing a sign or something that might help him figure out where he was. The problem was that he became sevearly vision impaired once the airstream blew his glasses off. To make a long story short he ended up having to make a crash landing in a feild some distance from the airport because he could not see much beyond the windscreen.
     
  19. LA Swede

    LA Swede Formula Junior

    Dec 5, 2003
    369
    SoCal
    I can't remember if I heard this one first hand on the radio, or if it was a friend of mine who heard it. A short while after the Alaska Air flight went outside California due to a faulty jack screw another Alaska Air flight was talking to So-Cal control when an unknown voice came on and asked "how's your jack-screw?".

    very unnecessary.

     
  20. KKSBA

    KKSBA F1 World Champ
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    And of course, Speedbird is the callsign prefix for our beloved departed Concorde not a Boeing 747...
     
  21. Slim

    Slim Formula 3

    Oct 11, 2001
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    richard
    I've crossed the Pacific a few dozen times (as a commercial passenger) and never had anything interesting happen. Except once while coming to land at San Francisco, everything is looking normal, I'm looking right out my window and we're almost on the ground, just another second or two would have done it when the pilot pulls up again and takes us out and all the way around and makes another attempt 20 or 30 minutes later. I don't know what the original problem was but I was tense the second time around!

    My dad's last flight: he was flying a small plane from LA to Fresno and it was foggy and it cleared at one point and he saw he was over water. He started to freak out and wondered if he had somehow gotten over the pacific despite what his instruments had been telling him. He totally freaked, and then he was over land again. Turns out it was just the Tule "Lake" area which, at least in those days, is just a shallow flooded area of sierra nevada water runoff (i think they use all the water before it gets there these days).
     
  22. KKSBA

    KKSBA F1 World Champ
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    A runway incursion would have caused the pull up max power your talking about. (some plane crossed a runway it wasn't supposed to or didn't exit it in time)

    You couldn't even imagine the amount of gas that is burned up in a heavy jet doing a go around... Thousands and thousands of pounds of gas right on up to the ozone hole ;)
     
  23. ART360

    ART360 Guest

    You hear some of the craziest stuff in the air. There is a book that lists most of the good ones.

    I've been to Indy a few times, and if its race day, you never file IFR, you leave VFR, and you don't have to get a clearance. Did that right after 9/11 for the F1 race, and it worked just fine.

    Art
     
  24. Mule

    Mule F1 Rookie
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    After the Edwards AFB air show 5 years ago:

    Controller - "Stealth 01, you have an F-18 at you 12 o'clock, 15 miles, closing. Do you have radar contact?"

    Stealth Fighter - "Affirmative."

    Controller - "F-18, you have an F-117 at your 12 o'clock 15 miles. Radar contact?"

    F-18 - "Affirmative:

    Stealth pilot - "Bull**it!"
     
  25. KKSBA

    KKSBA F1 World Champ
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    #22 KKSBA, Mar 15, 2004
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
    (F-16 just lifting off)

    Tower: Skyjoy 12 you appear to have smoke emanating from one of your engines

    Skyjoy12: ahhh, say again

    Tower:Skyjoy 12 you appe...
    Ahh... disregard... skyjoy I see you have already ejected.
    Image Unavailable, Please Login
     

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