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Few Jokes--------------------

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by tonyh, Apr 11, 2004.

  1. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
    Five minutes later....
    "Da-ad...."
    "What?
    "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
    "No. You had your chance. Lights out.."
    Five minutes later:
    "Da-aaaad....."
    "WHAT?"
    "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
    "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
    Five minutes later......
    "Daaaa-aaaad....."
    "WHAT!"
    "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

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    A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
    She asked him if it was dead or alive.
    "Dead." She was informed.
    "How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
    "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
    "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
    "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I married him in the first place.
    "I was just stupid," I teased.
    When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested an explanation.
    "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."



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    Question: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
    Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find!!!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ----Some T-shirt slogans:


    I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
    I work hard because: Millions on welfare depend on me!
    I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
    I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
    I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather....not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
    It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
    I took an IQ test: and the results were.. Negative.
    Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    I have a degree in liberal arts - Do you want fries with that?
    My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

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    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

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  3. Forza1

    Forza1 Formula Junior

    Mar 20, 2004
    486
    California
    The first one was really good. They just kind of went downhill from there. Nevertheless, you made me laugh :)



    -DC
     
  4. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I pooped in my pants.
    The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
    The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''ROARRRR!''"
     
  5. DGS

    DGS Four Time F1 World Champ
    Rossa Subscribed

    May 27, 2003
    42,264
    MidTN
    Full Name:
    DGS
    Well that inspires a candidate sig line:

    When you get a handle on life ...
    ... remember to jiggle it after flushing.
     
  6. ghost

    ghost F1 Veteran
    Lifetime Rossa

    Dec 10, 2003
    9,864
    Singapore
    I thought the T-Shirt slogans were hilarious. Mind if I use one as a sig?
     
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  8. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Of course not,help yourself....Wish it was my joke !
    Edited to say; used one too !!!
     

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