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Funny story. (Not mine)

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by RussianM3_dude, Dec 28, 2005.

  1. RussianM3_dude

    RussianM3_dude F1 Rookie
    BANNED

    Mar 15, 2004
    4,054
    Switzerland/Montreal
    Full Name:
    Nikolai Petroff
    Warning: May not be suitable for all ages. I'd rate it at PG to PG-13 myself.

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------
    All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning
    computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething
    cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over
    forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the
    process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal,
    following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch
    at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with
    subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things
    would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to pick up an order
    for my wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way backto the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go.
    I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have
    numbered 0 through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:

    0.Occupied.

    1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

    2.Poo on seat.

    3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

    4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of
    toilet.

    Clearly, it had to be Stall #1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and
    sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn't happy about being
    next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

    I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds
    of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone
    conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of
    Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs. Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

    Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer
    cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand
    against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded
    with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone
    ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.
    The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not
    unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency
    of the stall, and it shook gently.

    Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became
    apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's
    continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the
    bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a
    gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way underthe stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had
    ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

    "Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of
    choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear
    that (gag)??"

    Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear
    that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and
    blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in
    me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later,
    in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to
    ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now,
    all I could do was hang on for the ride.

    Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he
    desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made
    themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up...
    in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..."
    followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

    Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at
    the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding
    down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear
    words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

    There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I
    could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal
    announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily
    into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a
    fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him
    running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

    After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage.
    I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew
    that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that
    unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

    As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl.
    Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom
    with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

    I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a
    face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
    __________________
     
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  3. 285ferrari

    285ferrari F1 World Champ
    Sponsor

    Sep 11, 2004
    19,922
    Southern Md
    Full Name:
    Robbie
    ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  4. quartermaster

    quartermaster Formula 3

    Sep 11, 2005
    1,813
    Nicholai,
    Please don't come to California. I don't think our 'low-volume' toilets could handle you.:)
     
  5. BigAl

    BigAl F1 Veteran

    Mar 17, 2002
    6,146
    TX
    Full Name:
    GSgt Hartman
    "miasma"...had to look that one up....
     
  6. Ferrari0324

    Ferrari0324 F1 Rookie

    Mar 20, 2004
    3,482
    Full Name:
    Brandon
    OMG! I'm at work dying, ROFLMAO!!!
     
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  8. judge4re

    judge4re F1 World Champ

    Apr 26, 2003
    13,234
    Never home
    Full Name:
    Dr. Dumb Ass
    Spicy came into the office asking why I was laughing so hard...
     
  9. CornellCars

    CornellCars Formula 3

    Mar 24, 2005
    1,087
    South Florida
    Full Name:
    Jason
    *tears running down cheeks*

    Not sure where that came from, but the guy who does most of the writing for www.zug.com has a very similar writing style, and I find myself howling with the same type of laughter when reading some of his stuff!

    I'm still laughing!

    *sides aching*
     
  10. branko

    branko F1 Rookie
    Owner

    Mar 17, 2003
    3,710
    Birmingham, Alabama
    Full Name:
    Branko Medenica
    ROTFLMAO! That was too funny. I showed it to my wife and she died laughing too.
     
  11. CMY

    CMY F1 Veteran

    Oct 15, 2004
    9,915
    Redondo Beach, CA
    Full Name:
    Chris
    Kinda reminds me of a famous thread from a few years ago.. gentlemen, I give you Poo Tech.

    Post #6 is particularily funny. ;)
     
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  13. asb9987

    asb9987 F1 Rookie

    Dec 4, 2004
    4,190
    Toronto
    Full Name:
    A. B.
    LMFAOOOOOOO HAHAHHAHAHAH OMGGGGG!!!! The word use was INCREDIBLE!! AHHAHAHA Great post!
     
  14. Dan Ciezniewzky

    Dan Ciezniewzky Formula 3
    BANNED

    Sep 6, 2004
    1,334
    Indianapolis
    ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    this is the THERAD OF THE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    my sister came in wanting to why I was laughing so hard too!!!! And she liked it too!!!!

    awwww I love you for this man!!!!
     
  15. Manny

    Manny Formula Junior

    May 21, 2004
    854
    Full Name:
    Manuel
    Incredible! That is the funniest **** I've ever read! ;)
     
  16. GoFerrari28

    GoFerrari28 Formula 3

    Jun 16, 2004
    2,242
    Ridgemont, CA
    Full Name:
    Jeff Spicoli
    OMFG that was hilarious! Serves the other guy right for chatting on his cell phone in a public bathroom.
     
  17. ylshih

    ylshih Global Moderator
    Global Moderator Advising Moderator Honorary Owner

    Mar 21, 2004
    16,143
    Northern CA
    Full Name:
    Yin
    LMAO! But true story?
     
  18. Dan Ciezniewzky

    Dan Ciezniewzky Formula 3
    BANNED

    Sep 6, 2004
    1,334
    Indianapolis
    oh i hope so!!
    next time Im in a public toilet Im gonna have no shame and go all out...laughing my arse off the hole time :D
     
  19. angrydrone

    angrydrone Rookie

    Oct 12, 2005
    42
    north Fort Worth
    Full Name:
    Chris
    you have to love Lightning Larry for his great stories!!
     
  20. LZeitgeist

    LZeitgeist Karting

    Mar 23, 2005
    190
    Raleigh, NC - USA
    Full Name:
    Patrick
    OMG!!!! I'm absolutely rolling over here... LOL!!!!!
     
  21. Shiloh Phoenix

    Jun 25, 2005
    34
    right behind you!
    Full Name:
    Audiguy Jr.
    Someone told me that a huge laugh can be had by going into a public restroom when it is pretty occupied and sneaking in a grapefruit. Go into the stall and make all kinds of grunts and moans as if you are completely corked up. Then let out a giant sigh and stand up and drop the grapefruit in the water from 4 or 5 feet up. The resulting splash will resound through the restroom and the splash will make a good amount of water hit the floor. Sure to get everyones attention. Wait a minute for the sound to settle and walk calmly out of the stall. Look at the first person you see and say "man, that sure took a load off my mind", excuse yourself and walk out................
     
  22. VROOM!!!

    VROOM!!! Formula 3

    Feb 11, 2004
    2,478
    Los Angeles
    Full Name:
    Armen
    LMAOOOOO!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D

    That was great!!!! Thanks!
     
  23. quartermaster

    quartermaster Formula 3

    Sep 11, 2005
    1,813
    'I didn't come here to take a dump; I came to leave one..."
     
  24. Buzz48317

    Buzz48317 F1 Rookie

    Dec 5, 2005
    2,803
    Shelby Twp., MI
    Full Name:
    Michael
    LMAO...funny funny stuff...serves that guy right who answers the phone on the crapper?
     
  25. MarkPDX

    MarkPDX F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Apr 21, 2003
    11,202
    Gulf Coast
    Another board I frequent had a few similar threads a while back..... So here are more stories :D

     
  26. carless

    carless Formula Junior

    May 20, 2005
    272
    So. Ca.
    Full Name:
    Paul
    That is the the best post I have read all year. I havent LMFAO like that in a long time. Thank you for making my day.
     
  27. LZeitgeist

    LZeitgeist Karting

    Mar 23, 2005
    190
    Raleigh, NC - USA
    Full Name:
    Patrick
    OMG... 5-1/2 years later, I rediscover the original post in this thread and it STILL makes me laugh my a$$ off...

     

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