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General tips to Chinese drivers driving in America

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by navygakman, Aug 1, 2004.

  1. navygakman

    navygakman Karting

    Feb 15, 2002
    234
    Bellevue, WA
    Full Name:
    Stewart Chung
    I was chatting with a friend last night and we talked about Asians and driving, so as usual, I went off on a tangent. This morning I thought to be humorous and put them down in writing...

    ---------------------------------------
    THIS IS NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED
    ---------------------------------------

    (Document meant to be given to FOB Chinese who plans to drive in America - translated from Chinese, of course.)

    GENERAL TIPS TO CHINESE DRIVERS DRIVING IN AMERICA

    - This document is meant for FOB (Fresh-Off-the-Boat) Chinese, if you are Chinese-American (i.e. born here), then this does not apply (but hell, it is not so difficult to play one, is it?)
    - If you are Chinese-Canadian, for further translation, please add “eh” to the end of each sentence below, eh.

    Basic understanding:
    - In the USA, the Chinese is considered a “disadvantaged minority”, and therefore exempted from various vehicle codes from many states.
    - If you are Chinese AND female, then you are “double-exempt” – not only are you exempted, you have special “un-alienated rights”.
    - Be compassionate and forgiving that American drivers are not as good drivers as Chinese drivers, they have a disadvantage in having to drive on the wrong side of the road all their lives, it is almost like…… wiping your butt with your left hand (sorry).

    Prerequisite:
    - Learning the OBS. Stands for “Oriental Blank Stare”. Basically this is done by staring into space like you don’t understand a word the other person is saying (even if you do). Roll your eyes a little to pretend that you are trying to understand.
    - Learning the IANBHS. Stands for “I Am Not Born Here Smile”. This is a facial gesture while you squint your eyes and smile, showing your teeth a bit.

    Basic etiquettes
    - The middle finger gesture stands for “welcome to America”, always respond with an IANBHS.
    - It is very American to yell obscenities at anybody passing you - so long as it is in Chinese.
    - If you smoke, it is OK to fling out your cigarette butts while driving, the other drivers will appreciate the little firework show when the butt hits the asphalt (this rule applies to ALL smokers regardless of color and race).
    - Unlike in China, rolling down your window to spit is NOT cool. Americans are still behind in their recycling efforts.
    - Dents in vehicle are testimony to the experience of the driver. The more dents, the more experienced the driver is and should be respected.

    Making U-turns:
    - It is OK to make U-turns anywhere - especially 4-way stop sign intersections so long as you do an IANBHS and wave to everyone.
    - Not only that it is OK, but an “art” to make U-turns on roads that are obviously too narrow. Having to reverse and forward back and forth to achieve this while stopping traffic is totally acceptable. Other American drivers like to wait and enjoy the thrill of your rear bumper near-missing their cars while you are performing this exquisite maneuver.
    - Should you ever go into a one-way street the wrong way, you really should make a U-turn UNLESS there is no one coming in the other direction. It is far safer to go through with it and you reach your destination quicker.

    Parking:
    - While loading and unloading passengers in the city, double parking is OK as long as you maintain a 3/4 car-width in between your car and the parked car. Especially outside Chinese restaurants. Not only does this make it easy for all your 5 kids to jump in and out, it helps prevent door dings to the unsuspected vehicle.
    - While waiting for a car pulling out in a parking lot, it is better to wait BEHIND the outgoing vehicle. Understand that you should take the ENTIRE driveway so no one can get around you while you wait for the other car to come out.
    - Your time limit to back out from any parking space is 5 minutes if you are DWO, 10 minutes if you are DWOAF.

    Performance driving:
    - Rushing to a red light and braking hard to stop improves your brake’s performance by pre-heating the pad discs. Learn from all the F-1 drivers.
    - When you are not in a hurry, always drive HALF the posted speed limit.
    - It is OK to slow down without any obvious reason, no blinkers necessary.
    - For freeway driving, (unlike the rest of the world) most Americans don’t understand that the furthest left lane is the passing lane. So feel free to go slow in that lane also, it is VERY patriotic.
    - Diamond Lane stands for good luck. Eating fortune cookies while driving in this lane is icing to the cake.
    - Turning right from the left lane, or turning left from the right lane, can be dangerous but it improves your defensive driving skills.
    - Turning on Auto-Suck while going over 50 MPH is strongly discouraged.

    Traffic Stops (getting out of a possible ticket):
    In the very rare occasions that you are stopped by a police officer:
    1. Give a IANBHS.
    2. Have your Chinese passport handy, that is preferred over a valid driver license.
    3. ALWAYS answer the first question with an OBS
    4. Try to talk with a thick Chinese accent – recall all the episodes from “Yan can cook” – say “ah saw” a lot – sure, you and I know that is Japanese, but they don’t know that.

    If all else fails:
    - Quiz the officer "who invented the spaghetti”?
    - Remind him/her that if not for us, they will have no “rounds” in their Glocks.
    - If you are a female, try saying “me love you long time? soldier boy”
    - Should you run into a cop with an Asian ancestry, then you are SOL.

    Disclaimer:

    Before the ACLU gets to me, let me state that I was FOB Chinese myself and this is meant for good fun and entertainment. If anyone is offended by the obvious humor here, you have my most sincere apology and please get a life.

    I think diversity is a great thing. And I cherish the ability to have the sense of humor to joke about ourselves (well, at least I do...). I think America is going limp with all the PC-ness. Remember a while back, this movie "Year of the Dragon" came out (great movie BTW) about the Chinese mafia and we have a bunch of Chinese-Americans protesting the theaters because "the movie cast a bad light for them and it stereotypes Asians"? Gimme a f-ing break!! The Italians ever complained about all the Scarface-Godfather movies?? Do we think that ALL Italians are in the Mafia?? Of course not! Only those driving Ferraris are.

    Imagine a world with white people only: Bowling will be the national sport, every restaurant would be Italian, and there will be no such thing as "dancing" because NO ONE can dance. *All our lawn would be overgrown because there wouldn't be enough gardeners; kitchens will be full of dirty dishes; Seven-Elevens will all but disappear and who is going to do our dry cleaning if we don't have Chinese laundries? Who is going to "manage" our service-providers walking the streets in the red light district? And give us something "to aspire to" in XXX movies?? And WORST of all, all phone support people in the I.T. world would NOT have Indian accents, what the hell technical support would that be?

    OK - have I managed to offend every single group there is?? Oh yeah... I forgot about the Jews....let me work on that one....

    Life is short. Happy is good.
     
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  3. 62 250 GTO

    62 250 GTO F1 Veteran

    Jan 9, 2004
    7,732
    Nova Scotia Canada
    Full Name:
    Neil
    Well... um...
























    JERK!






















    Still, kinda funny! :)
     
  4. Spasso

    Spasso F1 World Champ
    Silver Subscribed

    Feb 16, 2003
    14,612
    Land of Slugs & Moss
    Full Name:
    Han Solo
    Neil!
    Look at Stewarts last name and it will make more sense. I've met Stewart and I assure you it is all in jest.

    You should hear him when he gets started on the Irish!
     
  5. SrfCity

    SrfCity F1 Veteran

    Nov 1, 2003
    9,842
    Orange County, CA
    Hey it's good when we can laugh at ourselves. Hillarious!!!
     
  6. imperial83

    imperial83 F1 Rookie
    BANNED

    May 14, 2004
    2,892
    Funny stuff!
     
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  8. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ
    BANNED

    Aug 3, 2002
    40,647
    California
    Full Name:
    Carbon McCoy
    This part:
    was HEAVILY STEREOTYPICAL...

    ...which is why urine came out of my pee pee when i was laughing so hard... My eyes are watery even now as i type this... That was one of the funniest and most refreshing things i've read in a long time... Thank you. Thank you very much...
     
  9. UroTrash

    UroTrash Three Time F1 World Champ
    Consultant Owner

    Jan 20, 2004
    33,640
    Purgatory
    Full Name:
    Internet Poseur
    There is medication for this.
     
  10. wax

    wax Four Time F1 World Champ
    Advising Moderator

    Jul 20, 2003
    45,326
    SFPD
    Full Name:
    Dirty Harry
    Worthy of Pulitzer Prize.
     
  11. Spasso

    Spasso F1 World Champ
    Silver Subscribed

    Feb 16, 2003
    14,612
    Land of Slugs & Moss
    Full Name:
    Han Solo
    Here here, medication here!
     
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  13. Wasco

    Wasco Formula Junior

    Dec 9, 2003
    486
    Salem
    Full Name:
    Randy
    I laughed! But hey I hate bad drivers period! Especially white trash in their beat up ole ford pickups which nearly run me over trying to get a better look!

    OH Wait that's my brother.
     
  14. Matt Morgan, "Kermit"

    Matt Morgan, "Kermit" Formula Junior

    Nov 12, 2003
    405
    Ferndale, WA
    Delightfull bit of satire my friend!
    I might point out that the "fairer sex" have been useing OBS for some time now. I can provide proof! I have personally seen it on many occasions.
    Kermit
     
  15. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ
    BANNED

    Aug 3, 2002
    40,647
    California
    Full Name:
    Carbon McCoy
    Can you call in a script for me...? Thanks... :)
     
  16. Erik330

    Erik330 Formula Junior

    May 8, 2004
    667
    Ohio
    Q: What is the last thing an Oriental driver sees when exiting the freeway?
    A: (display middle finger and angry face to joke victim)

    Advertising slogan discarded by China Airways: "You've seen us drive, now come fly with us!"
     
  17. GoFerrari28

    GoFerrari28 Formula 3

    Jun 16, 2004
    2,242
    Ridgemont, CA
    Full Name:
    Jeff Spicoli
    I had a professor in college who is of Chinese descent and one day in Sociology class she asked a few of us to tell our favorite ethnic jokes. I was the only one to tell a joke about my own ethnic group, (Greek, in case you couldn't tell by my last name). She then told her favorite joke, "What do you get when you mix a hispanic kid with a chinese kid? A kid who knows how to steal a car but doesn't know how to drive it." my professor thought it was funny becasue she honestly believed that people of asian descent, including herself were generally the worst drivers in the world. At least people can pokke fun at themselves without a lawsuit or getting their collective panties in a bunch.
     

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