I was chatting with a friend last night and we talked about Asians and driving, so as usual, I went off on a tangent. This morning I thought to be humorous and put them down in writing... --------------------------------------- THIS IS NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED --------------------------------------- (Document meant to be given to FOB Chinese who plans to drive in America - translated from Chinese, of course.) GENERAL TIPS TO CHINESE DRIVERS DRIVING IN AMERICA - This document is meant for FOB (Fresh-Off-the-Boat) Chinese, if you are Chinese-American (i.e. born here), then this does not apply (but hell, it is not so difficult to play one, is it?) - If you are Chinese-Canadian, for further translation, please add eh to the end of each sentence below, eh. Basic understanding: - In the USA, the Chinese is considered a disadvantaged minority, and therefore exempted from various vehicle codes from many states. - If you are Chinese AND female, then you are double-exempt not only are you exempted, you have special un-alienated rights. - Be compassionate and forgiving that American drivers are not as good drivers as Chinese drivers, they have a disadvantage in having to drive on the wrong side of the road all their lives, it is almost like wiping your butt with your left hand (sorry). Prerequisite: - Learning the OBS. Stands for Oriental Blank Stare. Basically this is done by staring into space like you dont understand a word the other person is saying (even if you do). Roll your eyes a little to pretend that you are trying to understand. - Learning the IANBHS. Stands for I Am Not Born Here Smile. This is a facial gesture while you squint your eyes and smile, showing your teeth a bit. Basic etiquettes - The middle finger gesture stands for welcome to America, always respond with an IANBHS. - It is very American to yell obscenities at anybody passing you - so long as it is in Chinese. - If you smoke, it is OK to fling out your cigarette butts while driving, the other drivers will appreciate the little firework show when the butt hits the asphalt (this rule applies to ALL smokers regardless of color and race). - Unlike in China, rolling down your window to spit is NOT cool. Americans are still behind in their recycling efforts. - Dents in vehicle are testimony to the experience of the driver. The more dents, the more experienced the driver is and should be respected. Making U-turns: - It is OK to make U-turns anywhere - especially 4-way stop sign intersections so long as you do an IANBHS and wave to everyone. - Not only that it is OK, but an art to make U-turns on roads that are obviously too narrow. Having to reverse and forward back and forth to achieve this while stopping traffic is totally acceptable. Other American drivers like to wait and enjoy the thrill of your rear bumper near-missing their cars while you are performing this exquisite maneuver. - Should you ever go into a one-way street the wrong way, you really should make a U-turn UNLESS there is no one coming in the other direction. It is far safer to go through with it and you reach your destination quicker. Parking: - While loading and unloading passengers in the city, double parking is OK as long as you maintain a 3/4 car-width in between your car and the parked car. Especially outside Chinese restaurants. Not only does this make it easy for all your 5 kids to jump in and out, it helps prevent door dings to the unsuspected vehicle. - While waiting for a car pulling out in a parking lot, it is better to wait BEHIND the outgoing vehicle. Understand that you should take the ENTIRE driveway so no one can get around you while you wait for the other car to come out. - Your time limit to back out from any parking space is 5 minutes if you are DWO, 10 minutes if you are DWOAF. Performance driving: - Rushing to a red light and braking hard to stop improves your brakes performance by pre-heating the pad discs. Learn from all the F-1 drivers. - When you are not in a hurry, always drive HALF the posted speed limit. - It is OK to slow down without any obvious reason, no blinkers necessary. - For freeway driving, (unlike the rest of the world) most Americans dont understand that the furthest left lane is the passing lane. So feel free to go slow in that lane also, it is VERY patriotic. - Diamond Lane stands for good luck. Eating fortune cookies while driving in this lane is icing to the cake. - Turning right from the left lane, or turning left from the right lane, can be dangerous but it improves your defensive driving skills. - Turning on Auto-Suck while going over 50 MPH is strongly discouraged. Traffic Stops (getting out of a possible ticket): In the very rare occasions that you are stopped by a police officer: 1. Give a IANBHS. 2. Have your Chinese passport handy, that is preferred over a valid driver license. 3. ALWAYS answer the first question with an OBS 4. Try to talk with a thick Chinese accent recall all the episodes from Yan can cook say ah saw a lot sure, you and I know that is Japanese, but they dont know that. If all else fails: - Quiz the officer "who invented the spaghetti? - Remind him/her that if not for us, they will have no rounds in their Glocks. - If you are a female, try saying me love you long time? soldier boy - Should you run into a cop with an Asian ancestry, then you are SOL. Disclaimer: Before the ACLU gets to me, let me state that I was FOB Chinese myself and this is meant for good fun and entertainment. If anyone is offended by the obvious humor here, you have my most sincere apology and please get a life. I think diversity is a great thing. And I cherish the ability to have the sense of humor to joke about ourselves (well, at least I do...). I think America is going limp with all the PC-ness. Remember a while back, this movie "Year of the Dragon" came out (great movie BTW) about the Chinese mafia and we have a bunch of Chinese-Americans protesting the theaters because "the movie cast a bad light for them and it stereotypes Asians"? Gimme a f-ing break!! The Italians ever complained about all the Scarface-Godfather movies?? Do we think that ALL Italians are in the Mafia?? Of course not! Only those driving Ferraris are. Imagine a world with white people only: Bowling will be the national sport, every restaurant would be Italian, and there will be no such thing as "dancing" because NO ONE can dance. *All our lawn would be overgrown because there wouldn't be enough gardeners; kitchens will be full of dirty dishes; Seven-Elevens will all but disappear and who is going to do our dry cleaning if we don't have Chinese laundries? Who is going to "manage" our service-providers walking the streets in the red light district? And give us something "to aspire to" in XXX movies?? And WORST of all, all phone support people in the I.T. world would NOT have Indian accents, what the hell technical support would that be? OK - have I managed to offend every single group there is?? Oh yeah... I forgot about the Jews....let me work on that one.... Life is short. Happy is good.