Subject: Job appraisal quotes: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet." 6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better." 11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together." 12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus." 13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier." 14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime." 15. "He's been working with glue too much." 16. "He would argue with a signpost." 17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." 18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." 19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one." 20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on." 21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection." 22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." 23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." 24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it." 25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." 26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change." 27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean." 28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm." 29. "One neuron short of a synapse." 30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled." 31 "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes." 32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Reference for X Show X this reference but suggest any prospective employer only reads every other line! X, my assistant technician, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. X works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. X never thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often, X takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. X is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that X can be classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that X be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible. Regards Blah Blah
If you're in Management/Proprietorship, you'll appreciate Lexicon of Inentionally Ambiguous Recommendations (L.I.A.R.) I cannot recommend this person too highly. I recommend this candidate with no qualification whatsoever. He has made immeasurable contributions to our firm. In all the discussions she and I have had over the years, her salary never came up. I simply can't say enough good things about him. I am sure that whatever task she undertakes -- no matter how small -- she will be fired with enthusiasm. I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine. She is always trying. He is a difficult man to replace. She is one of the most discriminating people you'll ever meet. He will take full advantage of his staff. She takes a lot of enjoyment out of her work. His input was always critical. I found myself frequently raving about her work. I would place this student in a class by himself. She is now ready to strike out in a career. He is resigning a position that he has held with our firm for years. I truly wish there were more people like him. We were teetering on the threshold of bankruptcy last year, but her efforts pulled us through. For the services he has rendered to our firm over the years, we find ourselves deeply indebted. She works without direction. He works effortlessly. To get the job done, we need ten employees like her. Attacking a difficult challenge, she doesn't think twice. You should seriously consider initiating an offer since she probably won't apply herself. When he worked for us, he never did anything halfway. We were forever asking her for new ideas. You can't offer this man too high a salary. How did she manage those who worked for her? Quite fairly. There is nothing you can teach a man like this. She was never way from the job too long. He is only 30, but he has the mental faculties of a man three times his age. I would place her research on the cutting edge. His potential clients always wind up giving him the business.
