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JOKE OF THE DAY----------------

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by tonyh, Nov 17, 2003.

  1. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Owner Lifetime Rossa

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As
    he runsaway, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and
    guns but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed
    and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he bends
    over and kisses her on the neck, then goes to the bathroom. While he's
    in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped
    prisoner, look
    at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't
    seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
    If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells
    you,
    just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets
    angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, remember I love you"

    To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
    whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
    asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, remember
    I love you too."
     
  2. stokpro

    stokpro F1 Rookie
    Owner Lifetime Rossa

    Jun 25, 2003
    4,251
    Himalayas
    A few more...


    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
    90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

    Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"


    Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.


    I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
    front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
     
  3. jimpo1

    jimpo1 Two Time F1 World Champ
    Silver Subscribed Owner

    Jul 30, 2001
    21,838
    Dallas, TX
    Full Name:
    Jim E
    One day a woman was having trouble finding her husband. After looking all over the house, she finally found him sobbing uncontrollably in the basement. Instantly worried, she asked the husband what was wrong. "Do you remember when your father caught us in bed together and he told me I could either marry you, or go to jail for 20 years?" he asked. "Of course I do" she said, "But why are you crying?". He instantly started bawling again and said "Today is the day I would've got out of jail!"
     
  4. darth550

    darth550 Five Time F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa

    Jul 14, 2003
    58,360
    With Stu
    Full Name:
    St Mark
    True Zen Sayings:

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

    3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

    4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

    5. No one is listening until you fart.

    6. Always remember - you are unique. Just like everyone else.

    7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    8. If you think no body cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

    9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

    13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

    15. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

    16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

    17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    18. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

    19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

    20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

    21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

    23. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass - then things get worse.

    24. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    25. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

    26. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

    27. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

    28. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
     
  5. 134282

    134282 Four Time F1 World Champ

    Aug 3, 2002
    40,618
    California
    Full Name:
    Carbon McCoy
    Darth:

    Man who walk in front of car get tired;

    Man who walk behind car get exhausted;

    Man who fish in other man's well get crabs.
     
  6. stokpro

    stokpro F1 Rookie
    Owner Lifetime Rossa

    Jun 25, 2003
    4,251
    Himalayas
    DES,

    I forgot about those, they're great... starting a new thread on "Chinese proverbs"... in O/T.
     

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