Joke.

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EWWWWWWWWW

 

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One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

 

How to shower like a woman


1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloureds. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

2. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.


4. Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.


5. Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.


6. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.


7. Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.


8. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs.


9. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.


10. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.


11. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.





How to shower like a man


1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed leave in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom if you see wife along the way - shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound.

3. Look at manly physique in the mirror, admire size of knob and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

6. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

7. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving four pubes stuck on the soap.

8. Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. Pee.

9. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Partially dry off.

10. Fail to notice water on the floor. Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, leave wet mat on the floor, leave light and fan on.

11. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise. Again.

12. Throw wet towel on bed.

 

^^^^ My apologies to those offended by the jokes deleted above.^^^^

 

The most Tasteless Joke Thread (keep the kiddies away!)

 

same

 

Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

 

01-27-2005, 10:34 PM
Replies: 236 Joke.
Views: 3,672 Posted By acpes
WORDS WOMEN USE

WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman...

Twice by the same guy!![size=+2]D'ohhhhhhhhh!!!!!!![/size]

Forum: Other Off Topic 01-16-2005, 05:04 PM
Replies: 236 Joke.
Views: 3,672 Posted By acpes
WORDS WOMEN USE

WORDS WOMEN USE
******************************
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman...

 

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sh*t, i've never seen that happen before

 

Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings

 

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?

Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!


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Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.

Shut up and eat around it!


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Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?

Shut up and eat your cornflakes!


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Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?

Shut up and get back in the box!


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Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!

Shut up and comb your face!

 

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Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!

Well throw some more gasoline on him then.


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Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.

Shut up son and keep swimming.


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Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?

Shut up son, you'll wake your father.


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Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.


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Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?

Shut up and reload.

 

Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy zigzagging in the yard?

Shut up and shoot again!


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Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!

Shut up and keep digging.


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Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?

Shut up and flush.


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Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!

Shut up or I'll flush it again!


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Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.

Shut up or I'll flush it again.

 

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Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgers for supper!

Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.


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Mommy, Mommy! I hate tomato juice!

Shut up and drink it before it clots.


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Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?

Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.


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Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!

Shut up, we only have it once a month.


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Mommy, Mommy! I hate spaghetti!

Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.

 

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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

 

What is the differnce between a golf ball and a G-spot?
A guy will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.