Joke.

A wealthy man named Steve was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage to Collette, he paid her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to a very confused Collette. "Honey," she said. "You received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said. Collette obeyed and watched as Steve read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.

 

A jumbo jet is just making its final approach to Birmingham Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Birmingham. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay here in Birmingham."

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, we have a layover... whatcha gonna do in Birmingham?"
Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that stewardess named NNO with the huge chest out for dinner. Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the stewardess named NNO.
Meanwhile NNO is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag, and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."


Sorry mate

 

Steve and Collette were vacationing in the Australian outback.

As they were leaving the hotel for breakfast one morning, they spotted a hotel employee behind the hotel having sex with a Kangaroo. When they got to their rental car, they spotted yet another hotel employee having sex with a Kangaroo.

"That's it!" shouted Steve in disgust, "I'm going back inside to complain to the manager!"

Upon walking back inside they saw another hotel employee who had a wooden leg furiously jerking-off behind the front desk.

Steve yelled at the manager, "My wife and I are appalled! This is a five star hotel and we've seen two employess @@@@ing Kangaroos, and now there's an employee with a wooden leg jerking off! What have you got to say about all this?!"

The manager replied, "Take it easy, mate. How do you expect a man with a wooden leg to catch himself a Kangaroo?!"

 

No problem M8
It's OK cos I'm Welsh as well ( Born in Abertillery)
I'm Back!!!!
I know they are {Top gear} repeats but just can't resist them.
On to More serious matters:-


I got banned from B & Q for life today.
Some Tw*t in Orange dungarees asked me if I wanted Decking, so I got the first punch in!!!

 

Tiger Woods goes into a Petrol Station and starts to fill up his BMW. Two tees fall out of his pocket.
The pump attendant (who doesn't know who Tiger woods is) asks him
"What are those for?"
Tiger replies "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving".
The pump attendant says " Those clever bast*rds at BMW think of everything".

 

>
>
>
> The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for
> a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the
> title.
>
> One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks
> will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to
> Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to
> come over to Anfield.
>
> Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 mins
> left. The manager gives the young striker the nod and on he goes. The
> lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for
> Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are
> delighted and the media love the new star.
>
> When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her
> about his first day in English football. Hello Mum, guess what? he
> says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5
> and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love
> me".
>
> "Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. You father
> got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and
> your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a
> great time"
>
> The young lad is very upset, "What can I say Mum, but I'm sorry."
>



> "Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the
> first place".

 

I was sent this as a warning. So has this happened to you or do you
know of someone who is possibly at risk. Pass it on, so that they can
forearm themselves.

Police Warning!!!

Police today warned all men who frequent pubs, clubs and parties to
stay
cautious when offered drinks by women.

Females are using a date rape drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting
men.

This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere.

"Beer" is used by female predators to persuade hapless male victims to
go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of
these "beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a
simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several "beers,"
men will have sex with even unattractive women.

Often, men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a
horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened.

Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's
savings
in a scam called "a relationship."

In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into
long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is
administered.

If you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious
"beer" and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male
support groups exist in every major city, where you can discuss the
ugly
details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly
affected, like-minded guys.
For the support group nearest to you, look in the Yellow Pages under
"Football grounds."

 

LMAO Andrew that happened to me, now i am married to her

 

Steve walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

Steve watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said Steve. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.

"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

 

"LA" Love Poem

Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo' ma don't know,
but Joe is yo' half brother.

So Susie put aside her Joe
and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this
He said, there's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my gal
and please don't tell your mother'
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I know is yo' half brother.

But mama knew and said, My child,
Just do what makes yo' happy.
Marry Will or Joe.
Yo' ain't no kin to pappy.

 

On their 25th Wedding Anniversary, Steve and Collette went back to the hotel where they had honeymooned.

Collette said, "When you first saw this body, what was going through your mind?"

Steve said, "I wanted to sh*g your brains out and suck your tits dry!"

As Collette undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

Steve replied, "It looks like I did a pretty good job!"

 

Some photos for you
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What's that purple thing Buzz is playing with??

 

Steve came home from work one day to find Collette sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."

Steve asked her why she was going.

Collette told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."

He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.

Collette said, "And just where do you think you are going?"

"I''m going too!" Steve replied.

"Why?" she asked.

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

 

Its my good ladies new "special" pen.

Funny that, until she got that she never used to write letters much

 

Some more
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Andrew i think i wet myself again

 

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man named Steve with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" Steve grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

 

In a city park stood two statues, one female named Collette, and the other male named Steve. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command, the statues came to life.

Collette and Steve smiled at each other, ran towards some nearby woods, and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,"You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

Steve looked at Collette and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, Collette said, "Sure, - But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on its head!"

 

The Hollyweird producer told the starlet that he'd make her a Bond Girl.

In the morning, he left $100 in munis on the dresser.

 

LOL Any more??

 

Steve went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help him.

Steve said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

Steve agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and sever embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

 

Nice to see someone else join the Steve and Andy show

 

Subject: RE: Work

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This is called WORK. If you receive work from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means, do not touch it. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with work put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as beer. The quickest-acting is called Stella but this is only available for those who can afford it. The NHS equivalent is Carling. Take the antidote repeatedly until work has been completely eliminated from your system. Forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends you have already been infected and work is already controlling your life. Yours A. Friend

 

At last a sensible post Christmas exercise programme...


If you're over 25 you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme.


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That's enough for the first day. Have some chocolate.