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Monday Jokes-----------------

Discussion in 'Other Off Topic Forum' started by tonyh, Feb 9, 2004.

  1. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    A man walks into a busy Chinese restaurant in Dublin but is told by
    the
    waiter that there's going to be at least a 20-minute wait.
    "Would you like to wait at the bar, sir?" he says.
    So he man sits up at the bar and the barman says: "What'll it be?"
    The man replies: "OK, give me a Stoli with a twist."
    The barman pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says: "Once upon
    time, there were FOUR little peegs..."
    --------------------------------------------
    How To Get Ahead In The Office----------------------------------------
    1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.
    > 2) Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one
    > other'non-player'must be in the toilet at the time).
    > 3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
    > 4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and
    > say,"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
    > 5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your
    > ears
    > and grimace.
    > 6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper
    > huskily,"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".
    > 7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it
    > out,say,"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
    > 8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
    > 9) While riding a lift, gasp dramatically every time the doorsopen.
    > 10) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with
    > double-barrelled fingers.
    > 11) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get
    > all
    > that,I don't want to have to repeat it".
    > 12) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
    > 13) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
    > nozzle(there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
    > 14) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
    > 15) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice
    > to
    > conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you
    > actually launch into it yourself).
    > 16) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you
    > with
    > growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
    > 17) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
    > 18) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do
    > a
    > number two".
    > 19) After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican
    > accent.As
    > in"the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.
    > 20) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the lift.
    > 21) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly
    > and
    > mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
    > 22) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my
    > witness,I'll never go hungry again".
    > 23) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in
    > tights".
    > 24) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna
    > trade?".
    > 25) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same
    > person:"Do
    > you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
    > 26) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't
    > talk
    > about it".
    > 27) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a
    > lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
    > 28) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a
    > very
    > important conference call.
    > 29) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
    > 30) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your
    > pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
    > 31) Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit,smash
    > each biscuit with your fist.
    > 32) During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards
    > the
    > door.
    > 33) Arrange toy figures on the table to represent each meeting
    > attendee,move them according to the movements of their
    > real-lifecounterparts.
    > 34) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point
    > a
    > hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
    > 35) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going
    > to
    > have to let one of you go.">
    > 36) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
    > fries
    > with that.>
    > 37) Put your rubbish bin on your desk and label it "IN."
    > 38) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got
    > over
    > his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
    > 39) Don't use any punctuation marks at all in your e-mails.
    > 40) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
    > 41) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they
    > answer.
    > 42) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
    > 43) Sing along at the opera.
    > 44) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
    > 45) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of
    > jungle
    > sounds all day.
    > 46) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
    > party
    > because you're not in the mood.
    > 47) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling
    > name,RockHard.
    > 48) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!
    > 3rdtime
    > this week!!!"
    > 49) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
    > yelling,"Run for your lives, they're loose!"
    > And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
    > 50) Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it
    > to
    > you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this
     
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