MessageApparently, this is a 'genuine' letter posted on the Sheffield Utd website by a fan! Dear Sir, I'm feeling all angry about these modern day footballers, I know why they have gone all soft - it's because of poncy names. That's what it is. Remember in the old days, when footy players kicked a f*cking ball made out of ten pound of clay stitched inside a steel-reinforced leather shell with laces made out of piano wire? Well, in them days players could only survive the rigours of the game because they were called things like Albert, Bert, Harry, Bill, Eddie, Bob, Jack & Tommy. F*cking tough names for tough men, them was. & what do we have now? Gareth, Jason, Wayne, Dean, Ryan, Jamie, Robbie. ****ing tarts' names, they are. Great big f*cking puffs. No wonder the ball's like a f*cking balloon & shin pads are like slices of bread. In the old days you never saw a Len Shackleton or a Billy Wright with a puffy little Sondico piece of paper down his little socks. F*cking shin pads in them days was made out of library books, & socks was like sackcloth. Same with the jerseys. F*cking shirts with holes in now so they can breathe. Yes, so that little Jody's hairless chest can breathe & he doesn't get a chill. F*ck off. Stanley Matthews used to dribble round Europe's finest wearing a f*cking tent & shorts cobbled together from the jacket of his de-mob suit. Aye, he f*cking did. No wonder players fall over all the time whenever an opponent comes anywhere near them. & they never used to show arses at one another either. Can you imagine what might have happened if Don Revie had flashed his ring at Nat Lofthouse during a City-Bolton Wanderers game? He'd have got one of them size-13 hobnail f*ckers up his b*stard chuff. F*cking therapy for stress my arse! Stan Collymore slaps his missus about & he takes three seasons off with stress counselling. What the f*ck is that all about? In the old days it was expected for footballers to belt the old sow about a bit, especially after a bad defeat. & the women used to expect it, & so they should have. They were lucky to be married to footballers. Ha! Trevor Morley got a kitchen knife in his back off his wife & was out of action for three month. Soft ****. Archie Mc****t of Port Vale got run over with horse & cart one Friday night & he still turned out against Bradford the following day. & he scored two goals. That's cos his name wasn't "Trevor". Good old Archie. Broke his hip, both his legs, murdered his wife & buried her under the patio & still made the England team for the Home Internationals. Did he have any "stress counselling"? Did he bollocks! & drugs? There was none of that in the old days. Oh, no. In them days it was a quick shot of morphine before kick-off & you was lucky if you got that. By half-time it had all but worn off so they pumped you full of laudanum. None of this cocaine sniffing & shooting up class A narcotics. Goal celebrations? Don't talk to me about goal celebrations. Crawling on the floor & thrusting their hips at the crowd. Huh! I'd like to have seen Cliff Bastin do that after a run down the left flank & crossing for Alex James to fire home a winner. Handshakes..... & that was all you got. That & a wank in the showers afterwards. But it was a proper wank ......all man stuff. None of these puffy wanks between blokes that you get nowadays with players like Graeme Le Saux & Stephen Gerrard. Allegedly. In them days, there was nowt wrong with it cos it didn't mean nowt. They used to say there was a "gay atmosphere" in the dressing room after the match. But it didn't mean owt mucky. Just a bit of harmless spanking the plank among healthy young sportsmen. Aye. I know. Me dad told me. Sixty grand a f*cking week! Ha! I wouldn't pay 'em tuppence. Two bob Tommy Lawton used to get.... a month! & Tom Finney still worked as a plumber four days a week when he was playing for England. It's true, you know. F*cking is. Players had to work them days just to make up their money. Not like today. Stan Pearson had to clean sewers & doubled up as Old Trafford ****house cleaner. He had to go off during one game because some **** had built a log cabin & blocked the U-bend. & that Eddie Hapgood was a male model...though he never liked to talk about it. So I say we start calling kids real male names again. If you're having a kid, don't even consider puffy names and ****e names like what people call their kids these days. Otherwise what we gonna get in twenty years' time? The England team full of players called Keanu, Ronan, Ashley and f*cking Chesney. F*ck that! Call your kids Alf, Herbert, Len, Frank, Fred and Wilf. And let's get the puffs out of the game once and for all.