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O/T -To be a man----------------------------

Discussion in 'United Kingdom' started by tonyh, Aug 24, 2004.

  1. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    Legendary - To be a man -

    1. OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her
    hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She
    didn't. Jars are men's work.
    2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even
    saying it to kids
    makes you the man



    3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A
    Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning
    the
    ball and crippling the man. Magic.



    4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it?
    Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.



    5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving,
    lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile
    of
    other rubbish -noisy destruction.



    6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging
    your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then
    nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
    everyone
    else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.



    7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir
    paint with.



    8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but
    even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".



    9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been
    partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of
    your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look

    like.



    10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes
    for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the
    past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".



    11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need
    or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a ***? Superb.



    12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!
    Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.



    13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It
    doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However,
    the rest of the pub doesn't know that.



    14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,
    apparently.
    Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.



    15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast
    man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.
    Congratulations, you are now your dad.



    16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?



    17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little
    changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any
    DIY
    item.
    Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.



    18, TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying
    the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
    only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.



    19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds,
    we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
    then.Seven. Seeya."



    20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can
    Schumacher do
    that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,
    technically, makes you the worlds best driver.



    21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have
    toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can
    stand there in
    silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the
    other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.



    22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if
    you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain
    haemorrhage".



    23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For
    that? Are you mad, bint?"



    24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says
    that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.



    25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the
    shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while

    you were in hospital".
     
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  3. steve f

    steve f F1 World Champ

    Mar 15, 2004
    12,030
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    Full Name:
    steve
     
  4. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    #3 tonyh, Aug 24, 2004
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
     
  5. steve f

    steve f F1 World Champ

    Mar 15, 2004
    12,030
    12cylinder town
    Full Name:
    steve
    #4 steve f, Aug 24, 2004
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 7, 2017
  6. tonyh

    tonyh F1 World Champ
    Lifetime Rossa Owner

    Dec 23, 2002
    14,372
    S W London
    Full Name:
    Tony H
    :)
     
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  8. wax

    wax Four Time F1 World Champ
    Advising Moderator

    Jul 20, 2003
    45,315
    SFPD
    Full Name:
    Dirty Harry
     

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