Al Jaffe!! Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions! I grew up on MAD books. And I still have them in my basement. I can still see the animations that go with those 3. Thats too funny!
LOL, John, what are you smoking...?!? This thing is over two years old...!!! I just reread the whole thing and now I'm laughing all over again at the Bentley comment...
A guy stops into the general store in a small town he's passing through. There's an old man in a rocking chair out on the front porch with a dog at his feet. "Say old timer, does your dog bite?" says the man. The Old Timer says, "Nope." The guy reaches down to pet the dog who promptly snaps at him and draws a little blood. The guy cradles his hand and says, "I thought you said your dog don't bite!" The old timer says, "That ain't my dog."
My favorite came from my departmental secretary. She's an amateur painter and, one night, was out with a friend doing paintings of a local golf course. A man was hovering around near and behind them while they painted until she stopped for a moment, turned around, and said hello. As she did this, the man exposed himself to them and said "paint this." She -- and this is why she's my hero -- looked at him and calmly said "Sorry, I don't do miniatures."
When I was in university, a friend of mine invited me to his frat party. One of his fraternity brothers was full of himself with none of the charm that would've allowed him to get away with it. So he's boasting about all the women he could get and how ugly girls have it bad. He himself was no prize so someone snapped back, "dude you're so ugly you couldn't get laid in a wh0rehouse w/ a fist full of $50s". Zing.
Did you get a hair cut? No, I got them all cut. Call me a taxi. You're a taxi. Did you take a shower? No, is one missing? And my personal favorite snappy answer that I witnessed came from a friend of mine. Many years ago, several of us were sitting around at the car wash where my friend was working. There were several "illustrated magazines" in the bottom drawer of the desk, so my friend started looking at a few. He pulls out the centerfold and is looking at this hot babe and says, "You know, I would marry this girl in a minute if she would have me." Another guy says something like "You can't be serious. You can't just marry some girl because she LOOKS good. If you're going to marry her, you have to be able to at least TALK to her." My friend replies: "Who talks with their mouth full?"
My family and I took our boat out one weekend (as usual) for some water skiing and tubing. My dad was in the tube and I was driving it about 30 mph and a fish jumped out of the water and hit my dad in the face, LMAO!!! I couldn't stop laughing. My mom asked why he didn't trying grabbing it, ahah. We've never caught any fish on that chain of lakes when we tried fishing and the largest fish I've seen at that lake hit my dad, haha.
So a waitress comes by to warm up our partially empty coffee cups, "Would you like a refill?." So my smartass brother says, "Yes, just the top half please". At the time it was funny.
